Lost Moon
by up2nogoodj5
Summary: NEW MOON IN EDWARDS POV... there are so many twilights in his POV and so little of new moon in his POV that are actually being worked on, i figured id give it a shot... PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ok first of i would like to say i wasnt sure if i should post it and then i said what the hell. **

**second i have started new moon in edwards pov.. i know i should have started twilight first in his pov.. but there are so many of those out there.. and so very few of new moon in his pov that i figured id start here... if you would like to read twilight in edwards pov.. i have read a perfect story in his POV from mrs. cullen 22 ****called Twilght: Edward's Story.. **

**and now... PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!! **

**Chapter 1: Birthday**

She'll be here soon, Alice thought, and bounced on her toes excitedly. On yet another dreary day, we stood in the parking lot of Forks High School, waiting to start school and hera a boring set of lectures. That I heard one to many times. They were all the same. And most of the time me and my family knew more than the teachers themselves did. I found it amusing sometimes.

I didn't share the excitement of graduating that the other seniors in the school did, probably because I'd already done it a dozen times. This year was different, though, for one reason, or one person I should say.

She'd turned my entire existence upside down when she'd come to Forks, unaffected by the fear I inspired in other humans. They were supposed to fear me, run away screaming for there lives. Shy away from us. They were not supposed to like us, want to be with us. And defiantly were not supposed to love us. Instead of screaming and running from me, a monster. she was inconceivably drawn to me. Not running away when she should have. She did not run like I expected, then again she never did anything I expected her to. Even when she found out what I was. Her calm response to me being a vampire still stunned me. The words still echoed in my mind, "It doesn't matter."

She was my life now, the only reason for existing. My one true love. With out her my life would be empty. I had lived for almost ninety years, and never truly realized till I met her, that my existence was nothing without her. I didn't truly start living until I met her. Bella swan had changed me in ways I didn't think possible. Bella had changed my life, for the better.

Alice was excited, more bouncy than usually. I could barely listen to the words echoing in her head. It was all a big jumbled mess. A buzz in my mind as she went over all the plans she had made. Checking and double checking everything.

"Your giving me a headache. Bella doesn't like birthdays. If she doesn't want this don't push her." I warned. As I waited for my love to arrive. I didn't want to admit it but I was probably as bouncy as Alice. Only for different reasons. Bella hated today, she wished it would never come. She hated this day, her birthday with a passion. Eighteen wasn't all that old I thought.

I heard Bella's ancient loud truck coming. I wish she would let me get her a new car, a more sensible cone. That could be an antique.

Alice got more bouncy as she heard it to. 'yay a few more minutes.' she stated in her head.

I sighed.

The parking lot was filling up as more and more people arrived. I tried to tune out the workings of the human minds, buzzing around. They were all mundane the same every time.

Jessica I hated her thoughts, she was so self absorbed. she was drooling over Mike. She had no imagination. Still stuck on him, even though he rejected her. She was still living in denial, desperately hoping he would change his mind, he was secretly in love with her. Waiting to strike, and make his move. Her hopes were in vain though. His mind however I hated the most. It was almost always on Bella. Completely oblivious to Jessica's watchful eyes.

'crap what was the assignment due today?' he was an idiot, stupid. couldn't remember anything.

He had no idea how lucky he was. How many times I wanted to murder him. every time his thoughts went to Bella. My Bella, how pretty she was, how cute she was. How he considered me lower than him, he couldn't put his head around the fact she wanted me. I fantasized about killing him. Every excruciating, very violent way I could come up with. I had restraint though. Mainly because I knew if I had, Bella not only would be very upset, my family and I would have to move again. Would Bella follow? Would she come with me? Leaving Charlie? I didn't want to think about it. didn't want to consider leaving her. It was to hard.

'I hear her truck.' I heard Newton.

I growled lowly.

All my attempts to keep her away from him were successful. That is, until she had to go and get a job at Newton's outfitters.

She needed money. And wouldn't except any from me. Even though she knew I had more money at hand than she would make a million summers at Newton's.

She was to proud to take anything from me. Unless forced upon her.

She wanted me to not trick her into getting money or finding it anywhere. Like I would do such a thing, I remember replying. But me and her both knew I would, I grinned.

I tried persuading her in other ways. More of seducing her to stay with me. She told me to stay with my family spend some time with my brothers. She knew they wanted to have more time with me, go hunting like we used to, wrestle and fight. She just knew everything she saw everything. She was more observant than anyone I had ever met.

Then there was Charlie, Charlie wanted her to get a job, told her it would be a good idea. I knew the main reason behind it. He wanted her to have less time with me. He had been trying to find ways to get us apart for some time now. Especially after the incident in phoenix left his daughter battered and broken.

He had been less understanding and less friendly than usual. Anger and the thought of shooting me and burying me in the yard entered his mind every time I was around. He knew Mike had a thing for Bella, he thought she was better suited for him than me. Anyone was better than me in his eyes.

I even tried guilt tripping her, it did nothing but make me angry from her response.

"Bella, don't you want to spend time with me?" I had replied.

"Of course, but I need to work also. Edward working is a human thing. Humans have been doing it for centuries." she smirked at me. "But things 'could' change." She smiled.

That made a low growl escape. She was so angry. She was so eager to become undead, become a monster. It was un natural. No one should want this. But yet her she was, beautiful innocent Bella. Wishing for death. Immortality.

I refused to damn my angel. I refused to steal her immortality, and she refused to accept it.

We were at an impasse. It always went the same, never ending, I wouldn't damn her to my existence, and she wouldn't take no for an answer. It was our one and only argument.

So much trouble just so Bella could earn a minimum wage. Of all the human activities for her to insist on… and then to fight so hard against celebrating the most human of all events, her eighteenth birthday. Backwards. Of course. Always backwards. Bella never did anything easy way.

As Bella pulled into her parking place, Alice spun the present like a top on the tip of her finger.

"You know how Bella is about gifts, so I wouldn't expect her to be happy, assuming you ever get her to open it." Every time I'd given her anything, even just a nice dinner out, she'd sulked and complained, not wanting to allow herself or me any enjoyment. She had so little in the way of material things and I had so much, why wouldn't she let me share some of that abundance with her? It was ludicrous. She was to proud. To independent.

I wasn't going to let her sulk on her birthday. I wasn't going to let her just let this day pass as if nothing. Just another ordinary day. Alice was all to excited and willing to help me. She arranged a party for Bella. I wouldn't let her forget her birthday. Eighteen, what I wouldn't give to reach it. I sighed.

Alice had barely let Bella put the truck into park before going to meet her. It was amazing that the rusty vehicle survived so long in rain-soaked Washington; it should have dissolved like a sugar cube in the constant deluge of rain long ago.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" Alice called.

"Shhh!" Bella ducked, as if to hide behind the collar of her jacket.

"Do you want to open your present now or later?"

"No presents," Bella groaned, and I smiled. Even Alice couldn't sway my stubborn Bella.

"Okay," Alice said sadly, "later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

"Yeah. They're great." Bella seemed slump down even further.

"I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience." …the first time… Alice added for my benefit, remembering her vision of Bella with a newborn vampire's flaming red eyes.

"Not today, Alice," I whispered quickly.

"How many times have you been a senior?" Bella argued, unaware of the exchange between us.

"That's different," Alice said.

Bella's eyes tightened, and I reached out to her before she could respond. Her face softened as she turned to me, smiling.

Though I'd only left Bella's side a few hours ago, I was already anxious to see her again. It was like an addict, and she was my addiction.

Even if it was for a mere hour, it felt like more. It felt like a year away from her. Agony and longing over whelmed me when I wasn't with her.

My perception of time was just one of the many ways that Bella had changed me in the eight short months I'd known her.

I smiled down at her. Her eyes were glowing with love and affection only for me. I loved her face, I could get lost in her eyes. She only saw me, and what she saw was someone I couldn't see. She didn't see me the way I saw myself. That still amazed me.

She didn't seem to comprehend that she dazzled me just as often as I dazzled her.

Happy Birthday, my love, I thought, but didn't voice it. She had made me promise. Which was ridiculas I thought. "So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?" I said, tracing her lips with my finger, hoping that she felt the same electric pleasure in my touch that I felt in her balmy, supple skin.

"Yes, that is correct," she said formally.

"Just checking. You might have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

Alice laughed. "Of course you'll enjoy it." She tried to look ahead into Bella's future, but could only see me trying to coax my love to get out of her truck in front of our house after school. Until Bella decided she would attend her own birthday party, the future was a mystery.

"Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?" I barely kept my smile in place. Bella was all too familiar with 'the worst.' And with her luck…

"Getting older," Bella grumbled, and I couldn't help but press my lips together. So much for trying to avoid a very tedious argument.

"Eighteen isn't very old. Don't women usually wait until they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?" Alice smiled.

"It's older than Edward," Bella said sadly. I exhaled loudly, wishing that Bella could understand how much I desired to stay older than her – to grow old with her. How she was the fortunate one.

"Technically, just by one little year, though.". Alice paused. "What time will you be at the house?"

Bella tensed again, and her grip on my hand tightened. "I didn't know I had plans to be there."

The vision of Bella refusing to attend her party got clearer in Alice's mind and I groaned mentally.

Alice did not accept this future either, and fought furiously to change it. "Oh, be fair, Bella! You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what I want," Bella snapped.

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I said trying to calm the situation.

"I have to work," Bella said smugly.

"You don't, actually," Alice replied. Bella's face went red again. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I—I still can't come over. I, well, I haven't watched Romeo and Juliet yet for English."

"You have Romeo and Juliet memorized."

The protesting continued, "But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it-that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

I rolled my eyes. Bella could be so stubborn when she put her mind to it. I stayed quiet as I let Alice deal with her. Deciding to stay neutral in this discuss until I had to butt in.

Coward.

I turned to glare at Alice but she was already continuing to make her point with Bella, "You've already seen the movie."

"But not the nineteen-sixty version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."

I am going to get her there even if I have to gag her and drag her there by her hair. Alice's thoughts rang out as she lost her smug smile and glared at Bella.

"This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or another…" The image of Alice dragging a screaming Bella through the forest was an unwelcome sight in my mind.

"Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday." Alice pursed her lips.

Don't you dare side with her – you want this as much as I do, I know it.

"So there," Bella said. I almost expected her to stick out her tongue.

"I'll bring her over around seven. That will give you more time to set up."

Alice looked into the future and saw Bella and me walking calmly up the steps of my home, and brightened. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." She jumped up and gave my cheek a feather's kiss before dashing off to class.

Bella sulked, having lost the chance to argue further. "Edward, please—" but I gently laid my finger over her mouth.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

**thank you.. please review... i would like to hear feed back... if i should continue with this or not.. i do know that i only started this becuase i had writers block on my story orange moon. so that is my #1 story as of now.. but if this gets enough reviews and people like it and want me to continue than who knows... i will try to continue eithre way.. but the more reviews will depend on how fast i get to it..**

**so please review!! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

**Review review please and thank you!!!**

**Tell me what you think. **

**Chapter 2: Party**

Bella was mine, the angel loved the demon. Though I still felt apprehensive about all that had happened to us. I had almost lost her to James. She almost died because of me, and what I am. She would always be the fragile human Bella, I would not change that. There for she would always be in harms way. Whether it be on her own, or not. It kept eating away at me every time I saw that crescent moon on her hand. It filled me with rage every time I looked into Bella's big brown eyes and realize I almost lost her. The rage wasn't fully directed at James, but also at myself. I had been the one to put her in that danger; had I had more self control I would have been able to leave Bella alone. Now all I could do was protect her and hope nothing else happened. Bella was a danger magnet so I knew it was just a matter of time before the next bad thing happened. I promised myself that if it had anything to do with me then I would find the strength to leave her.

But could I leave her? Could I leave my angel. Live with out her? I could disappear yes, live with out her no. but I hoped I would be able to exist with the knowledge that at least she was alive and safe.

I watched as the clock ticked slowly by. Boredom was inevitable when you had been through the same class' over and over again, and already knew more than the teachers.

This school year was different from any other I'd experienced though.

Purgatory wasn't nearly so bad when an angel escorted you through it. We shared most of our classes, and though the material was a complete waste, learning about Bella was the education I most desired. In classroom situations her reactions were slightly more normal, more predictable, but she still surprised me with her knowledge and unique point of view. She never reacted the way I'd expect her to. She never did anything the easy way, or the way I thought she would. She was like one big surprise after another, and I loved every second of it.

Every day brought a new insight into her being, and for once I actually enjoyed school.

The bell rang as I escorted Bella from the classroom, out toward her ancient truck.

The school day went by rather quickly, it always did, with Bella by my side.

I sighed, knowing the rest of the afternoon would be spent fending off her attempts to avoid her party, not the most appealing of tasks.

I hoped that Alice's vision was still the same and that Bella would agree to attending. Willingly.

_Seven o'clock, Edward, don't forget._ Alice's thoughts whizzed past me as she sped out of the school parking lot in my car. Like I could forget.

Perfect memory, another curse for the vampire. I had always thought of myself as cursed. Nothing worth well anything. Eternal damnation. Not meant for heaven and to vicious for hell. Curse was all I ever felt. Not any more. Bella had changed everything about me, the way I saw things. The way I thought and the way I felt about things. It was amazing how much just one person can change you.

The resistance started when we reached Bella's truck and I opened the passenger door, as I did every day.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?" Bella demanded.

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished." I grinned.

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…" And Alice would rip me to pieces. Probably burn them also. I laughed in my head.

"All right." I'd rather stand Bella's slow driving than Alice's wrath, so I went around and opened the driver's door instead. "Happy Birthday."

Her face twisted in what appeared to be pain. "Shh," she hissed weakly before getting in.

I watched as she pulled out of her parking spot and we were on our way.

Time to fulfill the role I had to play for Emmett's benefit. I fiddled with her ancient radio, not surprised that static was the most I could get out of it. I shook my head, selling my dissatisfaction.

"Your radio has horrible reception." When I noted the horrible stereo, Bella bit my head off.

"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." Her words were so rarely sharp with me that I was caught off guard and nearly laughed aloud. Such ferocity from such a gentle creature. The thought almost made me laugh out loud. It was funny, she could be such a spunky one, but yet she was so fragile. And always stubborn.

I didn't want her in an angry mood.

I turned and put my hands around her face, pulling her slightly closer to me. Her scent hit me like a semi truck. Making my throat feel as if it were on fire. The sensation that used to be pain merely faded to pleasure. The memory of it all, her scent, her skin, her touch, her pink plump lips. Her tongue caressing mine, all fueled the fire that now engulfed my entire being. Tempting me on a daily basis.

I leaned in closer to her.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I said softly, purposely letting my breath waft toward her. The effect was immediate, and Bella's pulse jumped.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" she asked weakly. A smile grew on my lips as I devoured her with my eyes. Her eyes grew wide, and though I was trying to dazzle her, I was the one who stopped breathing. Even though I never needed to, it was still a shock every time she dazzled me. Me a vampire being dazzled by a human. The thought was amusing.

"Too bad," I whispered. Slowly I bent down and gently pressed my lips to hers.

She was always so warm. Her lips, the warmth was an extra sensation.

The monster roared loudly in me, but it wasn't the monster that I was most afraid of. It was a different kind. One that desired Bella, and not in the food sense. I wanted her, more than anything I wanted her entire being. Excitement, like an electric pulse went through me. My breathing finally started again.

The desire her kiss, had barley registered to me, before she wove her hands around my neck. Pulling me closer and closer to her. She inhaled deeply catching her breath. Her mouth began to move simultaneously with mine, she slowly traced my lip with her tongue, begging for entrance into my mouth. Her scent got stronger as she pressed her self tight against me. I smiled, it still stunned me that I could get such a reaction from her.

She continued to tempt me.

Pulling me more forceful against her.

I imagined the passion the spark that I would feel if I only gave into her cravings. Gave her the entrance she desired. Almost needed.

She had no idea how hard it was to resist, say no to not only her desires, but mine also. She had no idea how it felt, how much it killed having to stop. But I knew if it got to far, to pleasurable I would loose it, make a mistake, and she would get hurt or worse.

She trusted my control. She trusted me. Trusted that I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. And of course I wouldn't, not intentionally. But all I had to do was stop concentrating on killing her for just one second, and her life would be extinguished. She trusted my control, and tested it often.

She tested it, not knowing the fire she fueled within me that I'd thought had long since been extinguished. I'd always considered humans weak, shallow creatures compared to vampires, but the human feelings Bella made me feel, that she had awakened in me were stronger than anything I'd ever encountered. Stronger even than the most powerful vampire sensation thirst.

She called to me in that way, more than her blood did. And she didn't even know it. I wondered if she knew, if she wouldn't try to test my self control.

She gently traced my lip again with her tongue. The spark ignited, fueling the fire. Making me desire her more. She was to powerful, she should not have this much hold on me.

It saddened me, how I wanted to return her passion, her desire. Not only tell her how much I loved her, but show her. Show her exactly how much she meant to me, how she made me feel. But it was impossible. She was fragile, breakable, she was human. I couldn't allow my self to even the slightest lapse in judgment. I would loose my control, and injure her, kill her, or worse, poison her,

I slowly and gently pulled away. Pulling her hands from my body slowly with ease. I felt her pulse thumping like a humming bird in my hands.

. "Be good, please," I sighed. She sat perfectly still, and I kissed her gently. I let her go and she put her hands on her chest.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" she said, not looking at me. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not," I snickered. Her heart was not only the core of her humanity, it was also one of the few windows I had into her thoughts. The way her pulse reacted to my closeness, my touch, even my words was something to be protected almost as much as her life.

"Let's go watch the Capulets and Montague's hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command."

Once inside, I settled on the old couch in front of the TV, savoring the lingering taste of her kiss. She started the tape, and I pulled her against me gently, breathless as she settled her soft, warm back against my chest.

As I covered her with a blanket off the couch, my curiosity got the best of me. "You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo." I'd seen _Romeo and Juliet_ performed in every conceivable way and in more languages than I could count. I couldn't help but wonder why she loved it so.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" she said, clearly distressed.

Romeo was so impulsive, so thoughtless in his dealings, and I was unable to relate to him at all. Bella seemed to take offense at my criticism. How I wished for oh the millionth time that I could read her mind.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant." Surely she could see Romeo's copious flaws. "Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his happiness any more thoroughly?"

The opening previews ended "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

"No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway." The delicate softness of her arm became the center of my attention. Goosebumps rose on her creamy skin at my touch, and I cursed my frigid body temperature. "Will you cry?" I asked, remembering the sweet flavor of her tears.

"Probably, if I'm paying attention," she said, her eyes on the screen.

"Then I won't distract you." I gently ran my finger tips up and down her arm, and turned my attention to the story on the TV. Romeo confessed his adoration of Juliet, I found myself finding new meaning in his words, and began reciting them along with the actor.

Bella shivered in my arms as I whispered in her ear, softly echoing the words coming from the television.

I continued to speak Romeo's lines, with every word Bella snuggled against closer and closer.

Finally we reached the pivotal moment, when Juliet finds her love, dead. Bella didn't speak Juliet's lines aloud, but her lips moved synchronously with those of the actress.

As Juliet kissed Romeo, hoping to die with him, the tears streamed down Bella's cheeks. My lips found her hair, needing to ease her sadness, even if it was imagined. Her crying did not relent, and I tried a different distraction.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said, remembering Romeo tip the poison into his mouth and succumbing in seconds. My mouth was always full of poison, and yet I sat unaffected. Gently I brushed her tears away with a lock of her chestnut hair.

"She's very pretty." Bella said in a sour tone.

I nearly choked at her words. She thought I found this actress appealing when I had perfection in my arms? I scowled. "I don't envy him the girl, just the ease of the suicide." I continued to tease her. Without thinking I continued. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

"What?" Bella exclaimed, with a gasp.

She honestly didn't realize or understand the depth of my love for her. How my life was inexcusably and undoubtedly connected to hers. I could only exist of she existed. If she lived then I would still walk this earth, but once she was gone, I would find away to end my so called life.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he'd become…" I paused.

In my head I ticked off Carlisle's failed suicide attempts. Starvation, throwing himself off cliffs, biting himself, drowning… it was a very long list and yet Carlisle was still in perfect health. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bella shaking her head, trying to grasp what I meant.

Maybe I could also sway her away from her desire to become immortal if she realized how inescapable our curse was.

As I gazed at her profile, I could see the distressed look on her face, and I softened my tone. "And he's clearly still in excellent health." It'd been wrong for me to disclose my plans, I could see that now.

She wiggled in my arms, finding my eyes with her own. "What are you talking about? What do you mean, this was something you had to think about once?" Anger colored her words.

"Last spring, when you were nearly… killed…" My mind returned to the moment I saw her, lying broken in a pool of her own blood. A lump appeared in my throat, preventing speech for a split second. I kept my self from letting the growl escape from my throat. I held it in. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans." I remembered that terrible race through Phoenix, the torture of not knowing if she still lived, and how I'd realized that my life would end when hers did. "Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

I could see the memories pass through Bella's face as clearly as if I could read her mind, and I ached for bringing such pain back to her. Unthinking, she touched the scar James left on her palm. I watched her expression changed from fear, to pain, and back to anger as she considered my words. "Contingency plans?" she repeated flatly.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you," I said, frustrated that I had to spell it out so bluntly. She should understand this easily. Surely that was obvious to her. I'd told her I loved her so many times.

"But I wasn't sure how to do it…I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi." I sighed.

The Volturi had more than enough power to quickly end my existence. Carlisle had seen their dominance firsthand centuries ago, and since then their strength had only grown. I would be but an annoyance, extinguished as easily as a candle. I would have exposed the one thing the protect, our secret.

Bella broke my reverie loudly. "What is a Volturi?" she nearly screamed.

"The Volturi are a family." Coven is more descriptive they had no emotional ties as our family did but family was a description she could relate to. "A very old, powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?" I told her, explained, and carefully editing details about them that I'm sure would shock or horrify her. Like Jane's power for example.

"Of course I remember," she snapped. Her eyes drifted to my shoulder, no doubt reviewing the lesson I gave her in Carlisle's office.

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die or whatever it is we do." Death was not the correct term, but again, it would suffice for her.

Her gaze returned to mine, and her expression of anger transmuted to terror. She cradled my face in her hands as she spoke, obviously in earnest that I hear her.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" she stated. So caring.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point." This promise I made to her, and to myself.

"_Put me_ in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault? How dare you even think like that?" Her voice grew with anger

Of course I'd put her in danger. The day I gave up trying to stay away from her.

Her being a danger magnet may have made my decision easier, but It was still my decision. I've known since day one that the right thing to do was for me to leave her alone, leaver her live a human life. But I couldn't, I wasn't strong enough to leave her. I longed for her to much.

She needed my protection after all being a danger magnet.

I hoped she could see it from my perspective.

"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?"

"That's not the same thing," she replied quickly. I waited. "What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go off myself?"

In a rush, the image of Romeo's lifeless body was replaced by my own, and Bella sobbed over me. This was a scenario I hadn't considered.

I watched the scene unfold in my mind, Bella 'offing' herself as she so casually put it. Because I was dead. She would die some day regardless, she was human after all.

I wouldn't condemn her to the hell of an eternity alone.

I could see it from her point of view though. Living longer than me, as if it was possible.

"I guess I see your point…a little. But what would I do without you?" In my mind, Romeo now leaned over his dead Juliet, matching the way I'd knelt over Bella's bloody body in Arizona. I held my breath, just as I had then, the burn incinerating not only my throat but everything inside my chest as well.

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence," she said as if it were obvious.

I sighed, knowing with certainty that she couldn't understand how it was her life, her love, that was the only purpose for my existence.

Before I was just searching for her, once she was gone there would be nothing to find.

For almost ninety years I walked among my kind, and hers. All the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything because she wasn't alive yet.

She didn't understand the depth of my love for her.

"You make it sound so easy," I said, She couldn't understand.

"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

She was so stubborn…still, after all this time, unable to accept how desirable she was to everyone, but so much more to me. How that desire had absolutely nothing to do with how she smelled or tasted like it should.

"Moot point." I would discuss this no further. I would not ruin her day with an argument.

I heard Charlie's thoughts as he was on his way home, I gently shifted Bella, so we made no contact. Bella was so used to this, she didn't nead an explanation she knew. .

"Charlie?" she asked, and I smiled, glad for the change in topic.

She grabbed my hand as Charlie entered the house.

After dining, and after saving Bella's camera from a disastrous rendezvous with the floor, she and I left for my house and the promised birthday celebration. I drove this time, without any argument from Bella, thankfully.

We drove slowly toward my house, in the twilight. At speeds that irritated me, but I didn't let on. I finally got annoyed and pressed the gas a little more firmly.

"Take it easy," Bella said. She was so protective of this piece of junk. I couldn't stop myself.

"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…"

"There's nothing wrong with my truck." She said, jutting her chin in my direction. I smiled, like a puppy that tried to be a guard dog, she tried to be tough.

"And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on my birthday presents."

As much as I'd wanted to buy her something big, like the Audi, I had granted her wish and resisted that temptation. "Not a dime," I said proudly.

"Good."

I rolled my eyes as I turned onto the driveway. I wondered how easy this would be, would she let us celebrate her birthday.

"Can you do me a favor?"

"That depends on what it is," she said questionably

I turned toward her, hoping she wouldn't fight me to much.

"Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited." Well, nearly all…

Bella's expression relaxed into surprise. What did she expect?

"fine, I'll behave"

"I should probably warn you…" I said softly

"Please do."

"When I say they're all excited. I do mean all of them."

In this instance, Bella's reaction was exactly as I expected. Her face contorted with fear as she spoke. "Everyone?" Her voice broke on the word, and it was clear that she was thinking about facing Rose

"Emmett wanted to be here."

"But… Rosalie?"

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior." if she hadn't she would surely regret it. I threatened in my head.

My family heard us coming.

Alice showed me her latest vision of me walking Bella willingly and with out force into the house. How we got from here to here I didn't know.

"So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?" As soon as the question left my lips, I regretted it. Always the argument at hand. I couldn't avoid it, I always slipped somehow or another.

"You know what I want," she replied quietly, and her words were like a knife in my heart.

Her birthday was the point that she over took me, she become older. Marking the count down of time for her, close rand closer till she had none. And ceasing of time for me.

All summer that's all she asked, begged form pleading and demanding that I do to her what had been don't to us. Take her soul, make her immortal, a vampire. Her response was simple, she wanted to be with me forever, a human life just wasn't long enough for her. She ignored all the horrible aspects of my existence. She wouldn't hear it. The ravaging thirst, the boredom, stuck in the same place, the same age forever, and lets not mention eternal damnation. Hell she wanted it. It was like a picnic for her. She isnsted that our love would make up for all of it. The pain she would feel at first, she would over come it, to be with me.

She didn't belong in hell, and I wasn't about to send her there.

There was no reasoning with her though. And I was so fed up and tired with this argument.

"Not tonight, Bella. Please."

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want," she spat.

Her words hit me like daggers. An angry growl escaped me. Alice would never consider it. Would she? I would have a talk with Alice about the issue at hand, and Carlisle as well. If anyone would have a soft spot and see Bella's reasoning it would be them.

"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella."

"That's not fair!" she sounded childish.

My teeth slammed together, preventing an equally childish retort.

I tried to think of other things for a second, calm my frustration.

As we approached the house, I focused on the others' thoughts as they waited for us to arrive.

My family was happy, all of them except Rose. That just added to my frustration. She could be so irritating her hatred for Bella just growing, having to be here because of Emmett. Participating in today's event. She was annoyed. She thought it was stupid, ridiculous.

Jasper however fought with the conflict of emotion that was coming from everyone. Wishing just like every other day that did not have that ability. Wishing to be rid of the gift, that was his daily curse.

"Nooooo," Bella moaned when she saw the over-decorated steps.

Alice had gone too far, as usual, and now Bella was even more upset.

I wanted to calm her down. My only hope of getting her into the house would be to dazzle her as she so flatly put it. I loved it.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself to sway her.

"This is a party. Try to be a good sport," I said.

"Sure," she mumbled, and I sped around and opened her door.

As she took my hand, the familiar crease appeared between her eyebrows. "I have a question," she said.

I braced myself for her inquisition, but said nothing.

"If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?"

I was surprised. As usual Bella came up with something completely unexpected. Always never what I expect.

It was a stupid myth. If she hasn't realized by now that all myths were just that, myths. I didn't know what would convince her.

To think I would be invisible on film or hell a mirror for that matter was just hilarious. I burst out laughing. I chuckled trying to control myself.

I heard low laughs arouse from in the house as well.

I had calmed myself and then walked Bella up the steps and through the door where she was greeted by a loud "Happy Birthday!"

As I kissed the top of her head I added my own silent wish. Happy birthday, Bella, my love. May you have many more. I could only hope.

Bella's scent whooshed through the room as I shut the door, I caught the thoughts of everyone.

I immediately looked to Jasper. He held the banister tightly I was surprised it didn't splinter in his hands. He didn't just have his thirst he had the thirst of six other vampires in the room. There reaction to Bella's scent was that of a normal vampire. Thirst, uncontrollable hunger. But they all held there control. My eyes still didn't leave Jasper. He was the newest of the family to the vegetarian world. He looked over to me, and shook his head.

' heard his thoughts. I'm fine, just the first, its just difficult. I'm fine.' I could tell he was annoyed as he caught looks from the rest of the family.

His eyes opened wider, showing his amber eyes held no sign of thirst.

I was still worried.

I heard Alice tell me to give him a break, she reassured me that it would be fine.

Yeah for now I thought.

She showed me the laughs and fun it would be when Bella opened her gifts.

My mother Esme came and wrapped her arms around Bella. And kissed her head, as if she was one of us.

"Sorry about this," Carlisle whispered loudly to Bella. Touching Bella was not nearly the challenge for Carlisle that it had been for Esme, and he squeezed her shoulders affectionately. "We couldn't rein in Alice."

Rosalie and Emmett stepped up next, and my sister managed to keep her expression casual. Emmett however was beaming. Happy.

"You haven't changed at all," he said, teasing. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

She hadn't grown, but had become more confident around my family, standing taller, though she did waver momentarily before my mountain of a brother. He towered over her, resisting the urge to pat her on the head like a pet.

Bella blushed "Thanks a lot, Emmett."

He laughed, "I have to step out for a second. Don't do anything funny while I'm gone." He chuckled silently as he exited out the front door.

"I'll try," Bella said, rolling her eyes.

She glanced across the room at Jasper, and when he didn't follow Alice to her side, she smiled at him carefully.

"Time to open presents," Alice announced, leading Bella to a long table set up next to my piano. An enormous over done cake was in the center of the table. Over done, entirely to much for the only person who was going to be eating it. It was over done just like the room, pink sheets, and pink roses all over.

"Alice I know I told you I didn't want anything"

"But I didn't listen," Alice interrupted, glowing as she too saw the tiniest glint of excitement in Bella's eyes. "Open it," she handed Bella the present.

She took the box gently and carefully. A normal person would have snatched it up and ripped the paper off quickly to discover the present. She however was all to careful, slow even.

She finally got it open and realized the box was empty I held back a smile.

"Um… thanks?" Bella said, not as a statement but as a question.

Jasper laughed the loudest, covering my chuckle. "It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

Bella sighed at Alice, but then smiled warmly. "Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," then looked at me. She pursed her lips, still smiling, easily conveying her recognition of my insulting her truck earlier. She didn't look mad or upset. She was happy. I smiled at her. Glad she was having a good time at least. I told her this wasn't a horrible day.

"Thanks, Emmett," Bella called slightly louder, his booming laughter entered the room covering up her own.

_She truly is wonderful, Edward,_ Carlisle thought, recognizing that Bella had already accepted that Emmett could hear her without yelling.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice nearly squeaked. I tried to see the image of her opening her persent, her reaction. But it wasn't there, it was clouded.

She turned to glare at me with a hard look on her face. "You promised," she said darkly.

"Just in time!" he bellowed. I hoped that would be the end of it, but she was stubborn, and still held a hard glare at me.

"I didn't spend a dime," I swore, raising my hand. She'd been fine with the radio—was it only presents from me that disturbed her?

A lock of hair strayed across Bella's face, ever so slightly hiding her eyes from me, and I reached out and tucked it behind her ear gently. Bella's heart skipped a beat, as it always did. I noticed Esme look at Carlisle.

'He's so gentle with her… it's lovely, Edward. I'm so happy!'

Bella took a deep breath. "Give it to me,"

She forcefully put her finger under the wrapping paper and went to rip. Before she could even tear the paper, she sliced her finger with the edge of the paper.

I was horrified as a single drop of her blood appeared on her finger.

After that time seemed to stand still crawl ever so slightly forward. Just the sight of it caused the wrong monster to roar in me.

My vision blurred for a split second as the scent became a flavor, an overwhelming, ecstatic taste, recalling the last time her blood had crossed my lips. I shoved that monster back in its cage, forbidding it to escape.

"Shoot," Bella said her voice broke me out of my fantasy.

I stopped breathing, to help keep the hold on my self control. The thoughts all around the room were overwhelming. They all tried to keep there composure. Keep there monsters at bay as well. There thirst was nothing like mine. Bella's blood sang to me, but I couldn't hurt her, I wouldn't hurt her.

And then my worse fears were put into affect. As I saw what Alice did, Jasper diving for Bella, my Bella. And then his mouth met her throat. In the next second out of the vision and back into reality Jasper crouched for the dive. Ready to leap. I reacted out of instinct.

With my last breath of air I held in my lungs I shouted "NO!"

I moved to quickly for even me to realize. I knew he would be to fast, my only option was to shove Bella out of the way and take the blow.

I became a wall between her and Jasper.

His body crashed into mine, his mind was completely filled with bloodlust, but with out a leash to restrain it. There was no restraining him. My arms locked around his, and with a burning desire to save Bella, equal to his desire to kill her. I held him at bay.

'Get out of my way.' his mind growled at me.

His entire being was no longer controlled by him, but by the blood lust. He was not the Jasper we all knew, he was a ravenous blood thirsty vampire. He snapped at me. As I tightened my hold on him I heard a loud crash echo through the room.

He fought harder against me.

He struggled against me, trying to break free as he saw the heap that was Bella. Lying on a pile of shattered glass. Her arm covered with blood, as shards stuck out. I saw it all through his eyes, the need to grab her and drain her. Her blood was surrounding the air around us now. Jasper could almost taste it as the scent hit him harder.

I tried to hold back a growl, but it escaped me. The monster not only was thirsty, but possessive. She was mine. I shook the monster back.

A deep, animalistic snarl ripped out of his chest, his teeth flashing as he repeatedly lunged against me toward her.

He couldn't control his thoughts, they were a shamble of incoherent thoughts, he was only the blood lust now. Frenzied by the scent. His razor sharp teeth snapping an inch from my face; his eyes and his thoughts past reasoning.

I saw my chance to save Bella, attack his throat, and end the threat.

'EDWARD DON'T!' I heard Alice scream her thoughts at me.

I saw Emmett out of the corner of my eye, coming closer. I angled Jasper in front of Emmett trying to keep all the monsters at bay. I searched for more attackers there minds were all frozen in horror.

Emmett grabbed Jasper, pulling him free of my hold. And holding him himself. Pulling him back slightly.

Then I felt it. The familiar sensation crept into my throat. The smell of Bella's blood overwhelmed me, sending me into a hazy cloud of bliss. I whipped around to see Bella lying helplessly in a pool of her own blood; jagged pieces of crystal covered the floor.

I not only battled Jasper but I battled myself. The venom poured in my mouth as I fought the urge to turn on her myself.

I saw Bella through Alice's view. And then I had realized why she lay crumpled on the floor bleeding in a pile of glass. It was not because Jasper. I had carelessly and thoughtlessly threw her into the table.

Dear god what have I done?

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	3. Chapter 3

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**Chapter 3: Stitches**

'I've got him, Edward it's ok, it'll be ok.' Emmett's thoughts were steady. Strong, he had it under control.

I didn't move, not trusting anyone around me.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside," Carlisle ordered.

Emmett nodded as he pulled Jasper backwards. "Come on, Jasper," he said with the last of his air. I realized then he was holding his breath to keep his control. I watched as he dragging our brother toward the door. Jasper continued to fight, turning his attacks on his captor. His thoughts were completely incoherent, just a jumble of violent, feral reactions.

Trying to escape, and get his pray. Get Bella. My Bella. I wouldn't let that happen.

I growled, louder this time, as I looked around, preparing to defend Bella against the rest of my ravenous family while also fighting my own urge to take her. Wisely, no one moved. No one else came closer,

'Do you see now?' Edward she doesn't belong with us. Period, she never does and never will.' Rosalie's thoughts were harsh and stern as she dragged Jasper from the room. I glowered at her and clenched my teeth, trying not to react to her. I was already beating myself up enough as it is.

I could tell Esme was getting weaker and more panicked her thoughts were of panic, for not herself, or Jasper, but for Bella, she wasn't strong enough. "I'm so sorry, Bella." she cried covering her face with her hands as she swiftly left the room.

Only Alice and Carlisle were left now. I heard Bella sight from behind me.

Carlisle stepped forward. Toward Bella. He held his hands up palms up. "Let me by, Edward." it wasn't an order. He wanted to make sure she was ok. His thoughts were purely on her injuries. Medical attention was needed. He said to me.

Alice still stood there frozen.

She looked up at me and showed me the future. That it was going to be ok. Bella would need stitches, but that was there was no immediate danger. Except me. My monster was roaring, raging inside me. A battle, no more like a war. To feed the thirst, or protect my love. There was no more danger. The only danger now was me. With out the urge to protect her, my thirst became more dominant than the need to protect her. I clenched my teeth and tried not the breath.

She was my love. I had to focus on that, and not the urge to end her life.

'Vitals are strong. She's not in shock, no broken bones. She seems alert.' Carlisle checked off all the things in his head for me as he examined Bella. I stood back and watched. She was horror struck, I could tell. It was unmistakable. She tried to calm herself for appearance sake. It didn't work. She should be scared. Terrified. The danger to her life was not out of the room. Oh no, it stood right there in front of her, watching. I was the danger now. The monster.

"Here, Carlisle." Alice said handing him a towel. She was helping. Why was I just standing there. I was scared, scared to move scared to breath.

He shook his head. "Too much glass in the wound." he said to her. 'she'll require stiches though. She'll be fine.' I heard him in his head. 'are you going to be ok?'

I didn't say anything. Still holding my breath.

Sure I was ok. I was perfect. Bella had been hurt yet again, because of my stupidity. And the only thing I could do was sit by and watch, holding my breath as he fixed her. Why did I put her in danger like this. With me in the picture she would always be in danger. Her life would always be at risk. I couldn't have that. But I couldn't leave her either. Could I?

Bella looked nauseated. The scent of blood I reminded myself. It made her ill.

"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle said compassionately to Bella. I knew the answer to that one, I didn't even need to read her mind for it. Even without seeing what Alice had.

"Here please." she said softly. Almost in pain.

"I'll get your bag." Alice said. She was strong, she loved Bella. But I also knew she need the escape for fresh air. Clear her head.

He nodded to her. "Lets take her to the kitchen table." He looked up at me.

'Go I have her Edward, it's ok.'

"I ignored his thoughts and walked toward Bella and gently picked her up. She was brave. If she could be, so could I. I wasn't going to faultier. I wasn't going to show weakness. I was in control. I had to be.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked as we walked.

"I'm fine," she said automatically. I could hear fear in her voice, and edge of panic still.

She was so close. Easy pray for the taking. The quick pulse, underneath her skin was just begging me to take it. Release it from its veins.

I heard a yell from outside, as Jasper fought against them. He was less thirsty now, but now he was filled with guilt and remorse. He was ashamed of himself. Alice stared sadly out the window.

Bella tried not to grimace as we adjusted her arm on the table, always the brave one.

Alice thoughts hit me quickly. 'don't even think it.' she said as my mind wondered outside to Jasper, Bella was sitting her broken again, and it was his fault I wanted him to pay. I looked at her apologetically. 'it's ok, he's just.' She sighed. 'I'm so sorry Bella' her thoughts went blank she didn't know what to say. Neither did I.

My throat burned, the venom was pooling in my mouth. My throat was as if there was a flame burning in my mouth. And ever swallow got hotter and hotter. I shook the monster down a little. Bella was the one in pain, she needed me to stay.

"Just go, Edward," Bella said, putting her needs below mine… again.

"I can handle it," I said, using up most of my remaining air.

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air." Carlisle injected her with a local anesthetic, and Bella inhaled through her teeth in pain. She was afraid of the needle, instead of the monster standing in front of her.

"I'll stay," I said with my last gasp of air. I would suffer in silence with her. She was strong enough to go through this, so I was too.

"Why are you so masochistic?" she mumbled. I didn't respond, I couldn't respond. I had no air left.

"Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now." Carlisle agreed with Bella.

He wouldn't want me, he would want Alice I thought.

"Yes, go find Jasper," Bella added, finding her strength again as if to push me away.

"You might as well do something useful," Alice added, making it three against one. 'I'll be there soon, tell jazz please' she urged with her thoughts

Id run out of air, I couldn't refuse, I couldn't argue.

I wanted to take a breath,

. I nodded to my love before leaving. In moments I was across the lawn and in the trees.

The first sense I had of Jasper was his shame. 'I could have killed Bella. She was so scared. God what have I done?' then his thoughts went back to the ravenous monster inside him. It made me angry.

Esme was worrying . Always the mother. The mother bear protecting its young. She was worried for Jasper, for Bella and for me.

Rose was upset, and venting to Emmett. His attention wasn't fully there. His thoughts fluttered back to the house, back to Bella.

They all felt sympathetic toward Bella. All but Rose.

I shouldn't be here, I should be back at the house with Bella. But instead the monster that I am got the best of me.

"We should have just let him kill her. Save us all this trouble. For a stupid human!" Rosalie said. "Edwards going to be mad enough as it is. Why not give him something to be really upset about."

"Stop it, Rosalie, you will not think that way. She Is apart of this family now. What if something were to happen to Emmett?" Esme scolded.

There were no concerns in Rosalie's mind; vindication was the only thought in her head.

She was enjoying this all to much.

She stopped paying attention, her thoughts else where. To the what ifs of life. What if Jasper had succeeded what if James had. She let go of Jasper.

"Rose, he loves her, don't spoil this for him." Emmett said as he took his attention off of Jasper also. Jasper knew this was his chance. I saw it all in his head, his plan of escape. Rose had let go, and Emmett was trying to make her see reason. He took his chance. Yanked his arm free and was gone in the next second.

"Jasper!" Esme shouted with fear.

He ran, not for the thirst, but for the shame, he wanted to hide. Get away from the shame of it all.

I took off after him. He wasn't going to get away that easy. I had to keep telling myself what if I lost Bella. I had to think of Alice keep my anger under control.

I saw him within in seconds. I was on him in the next. I tackled him the forest floor.

He rolled me off, and I was up in a crouch, ready to attack within less than a second.

Jasper sprang to his feet. Ready. "Edward, please!" he begged. "I am so sorry, you will never know how sorry. I tried to stop, I really did. I couldn't. it was to much. Please."

I growled loudly at him, he sent a wave of calm at me trying to get my anger under control. It was beyond that now.

I shoved him against a tree. It snapped in to and fell to the forest floor behind him.

"You tried? You tried, that's it, it's ok because you tried. Bellas in shambles and fearing for her life. Bleeding. But its ok cause you tried!" I snapped.

"Please, you know I wouldn't hurt her on purpose! She's a sister to me! Edward." He sighed. 'is she ok?' his thoughts were coherent again. "is she.." I cut him off.

"You nearly killed her. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" I yelled, shaking him violently. "Is she ok? What do you think! She nearly lost her life! What do you think?" I shouted at him again.

My heart felt what Jasper felt I saw it all in his head. The agony he felt. Just added to what I already felt. The fear the torture I felt every time I saw Bella laying hurt or broken. The van at school. Laying in a pool of her own blood in the ballet studio, and mere minutes ago from Jaspers attack. I was so frustrated. Frustrated with an impossible situation. I loved her, but I couldn't protect her. I couldn't protect the one thing I loved most in the entire universe. The only reason for my existence, and I cant even protect her.

Desiring to love her for a lifetime, but dying to kill her. And fighting ever day against the urge that I so longed for but refused with a passion. The future Bella and Alice both wanted, and both saw. I would not damn her. But I couldn't protect her.

The force of my emotion stunned Jasper, almost crippling. I threw him across the forest.

"This isn't fair! God is punishing me for a sin I didn't want!" I shouted. I dropped to the floor beneath me.

"Edward, I'm sorry."

"It's not fair." I didn't even look up at him as he put his arm on my shoulder and knelt beside me. "Why, why would he make me immortal. I always thought I was destined to meet Bella. If that's true, then why would it be this way. To meet her and love her. But not be able to keep her."

"You could.." He said softly.

I shrugged his arm off in anger. "I wont damn her to a life of eternal hell. I wont take her soul!" I snapped.

"Edward, but you cant live with out her either." He stated bluntly. It was true. I couldn't live with out her. But I couldn't keep putting her in danger. I was at a crossroads. Either way, would lead to heart break.

"Edward." I heard Esme call from behind me. Her arms were wrapped around me with in seconds.

"You don't understand. None of you do!" I shouted as I stood up. Letting Esme's mothering arms fall from me. "It's not safe from her, I cant protect her from the danger. She's always in danger if she's with me. Hell I can't even protect her from my own family. You don't know what it feels like!" I said as shoved Jasper out of my way knocking another tree down in the process.

Jaspers thoughts became angry.

"I may not know what it feels like to have to protect someone all the time. But that's your own choice! There are other options, your just to damn stubborn to listen! You want to know what I feel?" He shouted back at me, anger was in his head, just a jumbled mess of fury.

I just stared at him.

"You can hear others thoughts. Your curse as you so call it. That has to be annoying a buzz of thoughts that aren't your own. Imagine if that was other's emotions Edward! I can barely control it all. Hell I can barely manage it on some days! You can hear there thoughts, there thirst, there pain and suffering. There desires. But me, I've got the real curse. I experience it!" he shouted at me. "My throat is on fire, a blaze of flames. I feel the thirst you do when your with her. I understand your suffering. I feel it! But its even worse, that thirst you feel. Is just added the thirst already feel myself!" He his voice got sadder. "Now add five other vampires to the mix Edward. I couldn't control it. It was to much to bare. And I am sorry, you will never know how sorry I am. But understand one thing. I would never hurt her intentionally."

"Jasper." he waved his hand at me.

"Don't. I just wanted you to understand. You cant even imagine how it felt being in that room. I tried to, I really did. But your thirst alone is almost to much to bare. Let alone the rest of the families."

"She shouldn't of been in danger. I should have." he cut me off.

"you know your options Edward. You know what we all want. You know what she wants. Will you deny her of that. Deny yourself the chance to be with her forever? She would no longer be in danger. that's what you want most."

I growled at him viciously. I was not going to argue this with him to. I wanted to hurl him from my sight.

"don't!" I heard Alice come from behind us.

I didn't move.

"Edward."

"Esme, please. I wont argue this." I replied before she could even finish.

"Carlisle will be done soon." Alice said, answering my unspoken question.

Without another word I walked toward the house.

"Hm who got the worst of it. Did you beat Jasper up more, or yourself." Rosalie said smugly.

I growled.

"Rose." Emmett warned as I walked past her.

"You're the one at fault here, not Jasper!" She continued none the less ignoring her husband "You brought her here, you forced her on all of us. To play your stupid little game of house. So human! Now you know at least it will NEVER work. You cant think it will after tonight." She smiled at me.

I think I wanted to rip her head of even more than Jaspers.

I spun around fast and Emmett was suddenly in front of me, between Rose and my vicious snarl.

"Just go, you know Rose." Emmett said trying to shrug off her comment.

"Yes, go to your pet." Rose added. I was around Emmett before he realized it and Rosalie was thrown out the door.

He may have been stronger but I was faster.

"You bitch, how dare you!" I growled. I rarely used foul language, but Rose was asking for it.

Esme walked up to the house before I could react more.

"Come Edward." she grabbed me and pulled me back inside.

Emmett looked at me apologetically as he went to tend to Rose.

I glared back at her before shutting the door.

Her words were more than irritating, they stung with truth. My anger turned inward, where it belonged.

"I need to clean up the mess." she smiled at me. Trying to make me feel better, but it wasn't working.

I thought about all the things that have happen. All the pain I had caused Bella. She wasn't safe here, in a house full of vampires. I couldn't protect her. She would always be at risk. Always be in danger if I was with her. I had to do something. But I couldn't damn my angel.

Somehow I would have to find the strength to do what was right… the strength to free Bella of this world I'd brought down around her like the plague. It just kept coming.

I had made it come, with my own desire to keep her. I trapped her here, making her fall for me, love me. Only I could remove it. Only I could take it away from her forever.

I walked toward where Bella was.

I had to regain control before I could see her. But what then? Drive her to the brink of death again? I cleared my head. Locking the monster tight back in its cage where it belonged.

The false logic I'd been selling myself, that I was some kind of twisted guardian angel, could no longer fool me. I wasn't strong enough to protect her from harm with my presence, that was clear. But did I have the strength to take the danger, take myself away from the equation? Without me she would be safe. She was clumsy sure, but she wouldn't have the mythological creatures that go bump in the night to attack her. She would no longer be in danger, I would no longer put her life at risk. I had to make sure she was safe. That was my number one priority.

My attention turned to Carlisle's thoughts and to the sound of Bella's voice as I struggled with myself.

"The rest of them don't feel the same?" The sound of her words calmed me instantly. She truly was alright.

"Edward's with me up to a point. God and heaven exist … and so does hell. But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." How many times have I tried to convince him otherwise? "You see, he thinks we've lost our souls."

Of course we have. But this was a very old argument. What had drawn Bella into it?

"I look at my …son. His strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out of him—and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever." How distorted his vision was… he struggled so hard to find some semblance of goodness in me where there was none. "How could there not be more for one such as Edward?"

Bella's head bobbed emphatically, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. He was glamorizing me, feeding her fantastic image of us, of me.

"But if I believed as he does…" His eyes moved to hers. "If you believed as he did. Could you take away his soul?"

What unexpected answer would she come up for this question?

I saw Bella's mouth open, then close, as she tried to respond. Carlisle had told her everything I tried to get her to realize in her crusade to become immortal.

She didn't say anything.

"You see the problem," Carlisle said.

"It's my choice."

"It's his, too, whether he is responsible for doing that to you." Carlisle's mind drifted to each of his children, lingering on me for a moment before fixing on Rosalie. There weren't words to describe his regret for bringing her into this life.

"He's not the only one able to do it." She looked expectantly at my father.

"Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with him." he paused a moment. "That's the one part I can never be sure of. I think, in most other ways, that I've done the best I could with what I had to work with. But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide. It was Edward's mother who made up my mind."

I listened as Carlisle recount the story of my change.

Bella was hypnotized by the tale, her face reacting with shock, concern, and compassion as he spoke.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim," Carlisle said wryly, verifying my assertion that I was always destined for this… life. But not her, not Bella. I wouldn't repeat the errors in judgment… her fate could not, would not, be mine. There was only one way to prevent it, I knew that now.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward," Carlisle said, "I suppose I should take you home now."

"I'll do that," I said evenly. Bella didn't need to hear more fairytales on the way home. This world wasn't for her, and somehow I had to separate her from it… separate her from me. It was the right thing to do.

She looked up at me, trying to see how I felt. Read my face. I cleared my face. It was empty. No sign of emotion. I couldn't let her see my battle. My struggle between what I wanted and what was right. The right choice, the only choice.

I couldn't let her see that love could only win by losing… by losing her.

This would be the last time she could be here, surrounded by so much peril. Taking her from here would be the easy part. Removing myself from her life would be the impossible task. But I had no choice, now.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella said, staring into my eyes, and then down at herself.

"I'm fine," I replied. Seeing the worry in her face. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."

I left before she could start another argument. Not trusting myself to talk to her, or look at her for long. If I did, I would never be able to go through with it. Never be able to save her from this.

"What are you trying to decide?" she asked, coming to a stop next to me. Again the future swirled in her mind, but it was a dark fog.

'Edward, you are meant to be with her, don't doubt that. Just except it. For all our sake, not just yours' I knew she had guessed.

I walked away from her and stopped listening to her. I blocked her thoughts. I couldn't listen to hope. That hope would be the nail in Bella's coffin.

Bella's voice was what I heard next. "Esme, let me do that."

"I'm already done. How do you feel?"

"I'm fine" Bella said automatically. I knew that phrase all to well. She wasn't fine, she was just being brave. Always the brave one.. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had." They both laughed lightly.

We stepped in, and Alice took over. "C'mon, I'll get you something less macabre to wear," she said, leading Bella upstairs.

"Are you all right, Edward?" he asked. Both he and Esme were trying to read my face, and for once being made of living stone was a good thing.

"No," I answered truthfully.

Esme thought about hugging me, but when I turned my frozen gaze on her she changed her mind.

"How's Jasper?" Carlisle asked.

"How's Jasper?" Bella echoed upstairs.

Typical, putting herself last, again. "He's fine," I said,

"This wasn't your fault." Carlisle tried to assure me.

"Don't. words are not enough right. The situation is unbearable." something had to be done, and I was the only one who could do it.

Carlisles thoughts were agony. For me. He was sorry for me. He kept saying it wasn't my fault as did Esme. But neither one of them would ever understand. How could they.

Could they give up the one they love, if it meant saving them. Protecting them? I thought about that for as second as Bella emerged, and I stood by the front door, wanting her to hurry, yet wanting time to stop.

I couldn't keep her in danger. I couldn't let her life be at risk any longer. But I couldn't imagine my life with out her.

"Take your things!" Alice cried as Bella turned to leave. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

Esme and Carlisle said goodnight. Everyone was watching me as I waved Bella to the door, but I refused to acknowledge them.

'What are you trying to decide, Edward?' Alice thought as I turned away.

Her inability to see my future only added to my worries. It only could mean one thing. I wasn't strong enough to follow through. How many more times would Bella pay for my weakness. How many times would her life be put in danger.

I opened her door silently. I didn't say anything, not trusting my own voice. She climbed into her truck.

We pulled away from my house. I put all my energy at the task at hand. All my thoughts on what needed to be done. I had to take her home. I had to keep her safe.

I had to let her live a normal human life. I had to save my love. Save her from the monster that was me.

I had to take her home. I had to leave. .

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	4. Chapter 4

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**Chapter 4: Decision**

The trees flew past us as I tore down the driveway, pushing Bella's truck to its limits. As if hurrying to say goodbye to Bella would make it any easier. Just the thought of it made my throat swell.

"Say something," she said desperately trying to break the silence.

"What do you want me to say?" I said irritated, trying to hide it didn't work.

Oh I know that I hate myself for nearly getting you killed. Again! I thought to myself bitterly.

I saw her shrink to the door, further away from. I kicked myself. "Tell me you forgive me." Her voice was quiet, but her words cut me to the core.

"Forgive you_?_ For what?" She couldn't possibly be trying to take responsibility for this appalling situation. Absurd.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened," she said.

She was not going to put the blame on herself. That was absurd, how could she think this was remotely her fault. I was the one that dragged her out to my house to celebrate a birthday that she didn't want! Surrounded by ravenous blood thirsty monsters. How could I ever forgive myself.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty." If she'd been anywhere else it wouldn't be an issue.

"It's still my fault," she pressed.

Her persistence, made the guilt I feel triple in size. "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage. If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." The steering wheel creaked under the stress of my grip, and I barely held myself to restrain from ripping it from the dashboard.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I snarled. Mike Newton was alarmingly annoying and arrogant ignorant child. But he was a hell of a lot better for Bella than I was.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton! I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

Would you have me kill you? I thought bitterly. She couldn't see the truth. I was dangerous.

Alice's vision of my Bella with blood-red newborn eyes showed me the awful answer. "Don't be melodramatic, please," I said to her, trying to contain my self-directed anger.

We were close to her house now. I had to say goodbye. I had to calm myself, I couldn't leave on these terms, so much anger.

"Then don't you be ridiculous," she snapped.

I had no response. When the truck came to a stop in front of her house, I continued to stare out the windshield, willing myself to say the words. The words that would rip my heart out. _Goodbye, Bella_.

But silence was all I could muster.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asked timidly. That small request, stripped me of all the strength I had left. I remained frozen, staring out the window. No I wont. I tried to say but the words would not disobey my heart. My heart betrayed me. "I should go home." and never come back. But I knew I couldn't do that, not now. I wasn't strong enough. Yet.

"For my birthday," she begged, and I knew I'd lost. With just a few words, she destroyed my plan, pulling me closer, pulling herself closer to death. Close to the monster within. I couldn't leave her, not yet. I had to muster the strength somehow. Part of me knew I couldn't, knew I wouldn't be able to.

Part of me rejoiced, yearning to reach out to her and hold her close. The other part of me was ashamed.

In time, I would protect her. I swore. Promised myself and her, that she would no longer be in danger for long. I had to be strong. Find the strength to do what was right.

"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." The argument was as weak as my resolve. Why couldn't I just say no. I could never deny her of what she wanted. I knew that. Maybe that was why I feared Alice's vision so much. I knew eventually my resolve would diminish. She would rip through my protest and she would eventually win in the end. Win her immortality.

"Okay." she paused. She heard the heat in my voice. "I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." With her good hand she opened the door and jumped down. I didn't move, I couldn't move. I had to be strong. Refuse, say no. suddenly a commercial complain against drugs popped into my head. 'just say no.' Bella was my drug, and I had to just say no.

I saw her turn and awkwardly gather up her presents.

"You don't have to take those," I said, finally looking at her. The contents were not something that she would need after I was gone.

"I want them," she said without thinking.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." And the other one is from me… she'd made it abundantly clear that my gifts were the least desirable thing in her mind.

"I'll live." A half smile crossed her lips as she slammed the door shut. I couldn't argue any further. She had totally control over me. I slightly wished she would just tell me to go, then there would no longer be an issue.

I was out of the truck and standing with Bella.

"Let me carry them, at least," I said in defeat. I sighed to myself, knowing I would not win the fight tonight. I would try again tomorrow. "I'll be in your room."

"Thanks," she said with a brilliant smile.

"Happy Birthday," I said with a sigh. I leaned down, unable to resist. I gently kissed her lips. She strained to stay in contact, pull me closer. I pulled away. I hated myself, my heart betrayed me again, as a smile filled my face. Showing all the love I had for Bella, the love of a lifetime. I ran, knowing I couldn't hold onto that feeling. Knowing, holding on to it. Meant Bella was in danger, she would be at risk, her life would be at risk. I couldn't bare it. But I couldn't bare the thought of leaving her.

I was in her room before she reached the front door.

I sighed, I should have let Carlisle take her home, if I had, I could have been gone by now. I could have ran. Never came back. But could I stay away. I shook it from my head. I had to. I had to run and never come back. Leave Bella forever. If only I had let Carlisle take her, I could have disappeared into the night. With out at trace.

Obviously she would be confused, maybe worried slightly. But she would remember the last time I had ran away. What would she do when I didn't show up for school. When I didn't come for her in the night. Would she wait for me? Expecting me to return. When I didn't return what would she do? Would she try to find me? But where would she look? I slightly thought of Alaska. it's the only place I could think she would go to look. And its the only place I could think of that I could go. At first.

I couldn't do that, I couldn't sneak away. I couldn't be a coward. She deserved better. She deserved peace. She defiantly deserved better than me, better than a monster. Closuer. I couldn't just leave. She needed to be free of me. I had to break the connection make her understand it was for the best. Make her realize this wasn't just a simple goodbye, this good bye was forever. I had to do the impossible.

I heard her coming up the stairs. I knew I would need her, love her, and crace her every day of the rest of eternity. I indulged myself of the memories. Remembering her saying she loved me for the frist time. As she slept. It was a dream, but I knew it was the truth. It had been a dream to me just as much as a dream to her,. I wanted it so much. I realized it was coming to an end. I had to end it. Cut it off before it could get worse. I sighed, wishing the dream would fade from my memory forever. Just as it would fade from hers. Human memories faded in time. Mine however would never fade. It would be as crisp and fresh in my mind as the day it happen.

"What happened to your arm?" Charlie asked.

"I tripped. It's nothing." Bella's ability to lie had not improved, but Charlie was distracted by the TV.

"Bella," he said with a sigh.

"Goodnight, Dad," she said, then rushed up the stairs. I heard her head to the bathroom. I took a deep breath as I looked around her room. I loved her so much – but I was pathetic.

Moments later she swept in, oblivious to my mood.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"Hi," she said, displacing the presents and planting herself in my lap. The heat of her cheek against my chest was electrifying, and I couldn't resist wrapping my arms around her. Again she took control of me, chasing the struggle from my mind.

"Can I open my presents now?"

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I asked. I couldn't fight any longer tonight. It wasn't worth the effort I was bound to loose. I knew that, so why fight?

"You made me curious." She picked up the package from Carlisle and Esme almost gleefully, and I felt a flicker of happiness.

I took the present from her. "Allow me." There would be no more blood spilled tonight.

I unwrapped the present. Tossing the paper neatly away. I placed the box in her awaiting hands.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she said sarcastically. The box opened easily, and Bella lifted the white vouchers out and held them so they would catch the light. She read silently, squinting her eyes, a crease appeared on her forehead. her face relaxing. The sight was stunning. I smiled to myself, making a mental note. To not forget her sweet face. As much as it would hurt, I knew I wouldn't be able to forget her. Ever. Everything about her. The scent of freesia mixed with her strawberry shampoo. Her eyes. Ugh I had to stop.

"We're going to Jacksonville?" she nearly squealed. Shaking me from my silent battle.

"That's the idea." But no, _we_ wouldn't be going.

"I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." Her excitement was lovely. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth – that she'd be going alone. Not today, not on her birthday. "I think I can handle it." So it _was_ only my gifts she rejected out of hand. I frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain." Even now, after so long, so much time with her. I couldn't guess her reactions, she was a mystery to me still. She never did what I expected her to.

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"

"Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize you were capable of being reasonable." I chuckled lightly

She reached for the last present, I grabbed it. Once unwrapped, I handed her the homemade CD. The silver of the disc glinted in the weak light.

"What is it?" she asked, confusion filled her face.

In answer I grabbed the CD player on her bedside table and slipped the disc in.

I wondered if she would like it. Or find it stupid compared to airline tickers.

I pressed play, and my full attention was on Bella.

The music filled the room, she froze.

I remembered when she'd heard the song for the first time, sitting at my piano. The same expression had painted her face then, and she had been just as speechless. That image was forever marred by the memory of the bright red stain on the carpet next to the instrument.

She rubbed her face. When I realized that it was because tears were welling in her eyes my heart broke. Did she remember the trauma earlier this evening? How I'd carelessly put her in danger.

I glanced at her arm and at the yellow antibiotic stain surrounding the white bandages. The anesthetic must be wearing off – that must be causing her tears. And I keep causing her pain.

"Does your arm hurt?"

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She pressed her lips tightly together and leaned a little closer to the CD player.

Yet again, another un predictable response from Bella. My love. My music had brought tears to her eyes. She heard the song so many times from me, humming lightly. And yet, this, this small round cd touched her heart. Maybe because she could listen to it when I couldn't play it for her, when I wasn't here. Would she listen to it after I was gone, and cry not of tears of joy and love, but tears of sadness because I had left her. Forever.

Leaving wasn't going to be as easy as disappearing into the dark, I saw that now.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here."

"You're right." She touched her bandage gingerly, probably without realizing it.

"How does your arm feel?"

"Just fine," she said, of course.

"I'll get you some Tylenol." I would have to get something strong her for her in the morning from Carlisle it seemed wrong. The thought of it seemed wrong. I saw Bella grimace again, and then nothing else mattered, she was hurt.

"I don't need anything," she whined, but she couldn't hide the pain from me, oh no, not me. Her eyes betrayed her, just like my heart.

When I reached the door she hissed, "Charlie," and I had to smother a laugh.

"He won't catch me." In two of her heartbeats I was back at her side, handing her the pills. Thankfully she didn't argue – her arm must really hurt. This had to be the last time…

"It's late," I said. With the music still playing, I carefully lifted her off the covers and repositioned her under it. Foolishly I lay down next to her. Just one last time, I told myself. She snuggled against me, resting her head on my shoulder and sighing. And I wanted this to last forever. I had to make this last, make it last forever. This would be the last time, the last time I held in her the night, the last time I held my love. Forever.

"Thanks again," she whispered.

After everything that'd happened, she was thankful. "You're welcome."

She fit into me like she was made to be there. She was made for me, made to be with me.

No. It wasn't right, it was selfish. To take this warm, vibrant life and corrupt it with my darkness was the ultimate sin.

Could I leave her?

There was no doubt she loved me, and that my leaving would break her heart. How could that be right? What about _my_ heart?

The CD became silent momentarily, then Esme's song began. I remembered how my mother had accepted Bella unquestioningly into our family. My feelings were her only concern in the beginning how Bella improved my life. But she had come to think of Bella as part of the family. Her well being was as important as any of ours. I just had to hope that Esme and the rest would understand. They would realize this was what was right. Leaving was the only option.

I once told Bella I would hurt myself by leaving if it would keep her safe. Noble words at the time…could I live up to them?

"What are you thinking about?" she asked over the music.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." And how weak I was, knowing the right path but unable to force myself down it.

She tensed beside me. "Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?"

"Yes."

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again." My frozen heart trembled in response. I shouldn't…

"You're greedy tonight," I said to the both of us.

"Yes, I am but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she said, her voice laced with irritation.

I laughed as she tried to use reverse psychology. It was rather pathetic. But still in a cute beautiful way that was Bella. My mind, my body my heart my lips. My entire being ached to kissed her, wanted to kiss her. I never wanted to stop kissing her. It was the leaving that I didn't want to do. But there wasn't really a choice, I had no other options. I sighed.

"Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." I put my hand under her chin and drew her to me.

Her mouth was warm, and as always, eager. The heat of her desire met the fire of my thirst, fanned by the sweet taste that permeated me, even through my sealed lips.

The strength was dwindling. I realized sadly this should be the last time I'd kiss her, this had to be the last time. I quickly pulled her closer. Trying to convey to her all the love I had for her. This last embrace, this last passionate kiss. Would be my last good memory of Bella. As her body pressed against mine, my chest tore open, and I learned that heartbreak was not a metaphorical term. My heart ripped open… I couldn't breathe from the depth of the agony, and my eyes tried futilely to tear. No, I couldn't do it… I couldn't go… she was my life.

A small voice in my head, told me the words I needed to have strength. Those three little words cut through me with more pain than anything I had ever felt before. Knowing I now had the strength. 'let her live' I had to let her live.

Somehow I managed to push Bella away. The first piece to break away, and be lost forever. But that piece would be joined soon.

"Sorry, that was out of line."

"I don't mind," she said breathlessly. When her eyes opened, they sparkled with life up at me.

I love you so much, Bella… Those were the words that rested on my tongue, but I banished them. It wasn't fair to encourage her. "Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again." So many reasons to stay…

"You're overestimating my self-control." in more ways than one. More than you know.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She tried to make light of the way she attracted me… literally like a moth to a flame.

I thought for a moment, the burn in my throat, the ache in my heart. .

"It's a tie," I said, smiling in spite of myself. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?" If only _I'd_ been created to love her, rather than destroy her. Fate was cruel.

"Fine." She slid close to me again, draping her injured arm over my shoulder.

The lump in my throat burned with thirst, as it always would. It was reality's calling card.

I had to leave we all had to leave. Only then could Bella be safe from me, from the danger I brought into her life. But how could I?

Unknowingly, she had turned my world upside down. For almost a century, in human years, I had grown old; trapped inside this youthful body and now, it was as though she had dragged me back through time. I was becoming the boy that I had once been, almost eighty years since, and here I was now, existing intellectually as both an experienced man and naïve adolescent as one. Did I regret the effect that she had on me? I was not ashamed to say that I did not. It was selfish of me, completely and utterly so, considering the danger in which I had put her and continued to put her, but for the first time since I was created, I felt truly alive and almost human once more. For all the things that had gone wrong, I could not deny that these few months with her had been the best of my life. However, with the renewal of these human and adolescent feelings and reactions, how could it not claw at my insides knowing that any other male could simply kiss her? A human partner could consider kissing her without sparing a second thought, for as long as he wished. He could hold her during the moment, letting her move against him, allowing them to be physically aware of one another and embrace the pleasurable sensation without worrying about accidental death! No, not for us, for us, that was taking things too far. I had to save her, separate myself from her.

Once more I gazed down at her longingly. Her arm suddenly tightened around me and for the briefest second, I feared that she had sensed my upcoming thoughts. The fingers that clutched at my side relaxed and she mumbled something unintelligible under her breath. My lips twitched involuntarily at the sound, before I forced myself to delve into the thoughts that hovered, waiting to consume me.

She was as much a part of me as my hands, my legs, or my heart. She was my life now. I couldn't deny that. But I also couldn't deny the fact that with me she was always in danger.

I looked down at my peaceful sleeping angel. She shivered against my cold hard body.

Another reason.

I looked down at her bandaged arm.

Yet again another reason.

I am so sorry my love. I said as I stared at her arm. I've caused so much pain.

My heart flickered reminding me that I had protected her, saved her from harm again. My heart pleaded with me, she'll be fine.

This time…

Bella slightly moved, and sighed in her sleep. I took a deep breath, breating in her scent, the burn and ache in my throat was not due to hunger. I knew my path was clear. I needed to get the most out of these last minutes with her.

Carefully I stroked her hair and enjoyed the faint, artificial remnants of strawberries that lingered.

All my decisions had been about what I wanted. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to touch her warm skin. I wanted to kiss her luscious lips. I wanted to give her a birthday party, when she wanted to have nothing to do with it. And I wanted to spend the rest of her life by her side. What I wanted was so wrong. And then there was the greatest evil, the one desire that defined a monster in me even greater than the bloodsucking murderer I was. The image of my Bella as a cold, dead vampire appeared and the self-centered creature I was narrated the image. You could have her forever… my heart sang to me.

No. This demon would not win.

As I held Bella for the final time, I let the full weight of my decision sink in. My presence would not be the only thing that had to be removed from her life; all traces of my cursed world must be eliminated. My family would have to leave too. Only Alice would try to argue she had developed a friendship with Bella that she'd never had with any other human. She clung to the visions she'd had of Bella becoming immortal, but those would change. I didn't look forward to seeing what the future held now.

The lie I'd told myself; the outright lie, that somehow I could make Bella happy had affected them, too. They would be relieved to be free of that obligation.

I had let go. I had to let _her_ go.

With that one thought I was overcome with grief. It was time. Gently I pulled my sleeping Bella as close as possible and buried my face in her hair. Her breathing didn't change, and she tightened her arm around me again.

"I love you so much Bella, please forgive me," I barely whispered.

"Edward," she said, still asleep. The word cut me like a knife, and I shook with a tearless sob. I will never be the same without her. I will never forget her, even if I wanted to I knew I couldn't. I knew this would be hardest thing I have ever had to do. But it was right. The right thing to do. I heard Charlie getting ready to come up the stairs.

"Sleep well, my love," I whispered, but the words faded to nothing on my lips. My chest trembled as I inhaled, and then I loosened my arms. As I slid my arm from in under her fragile body, she rolled away from me. If only she'd release me this easily when she was conscious.

My arms begged to hold her one more time, but I wound them around my own chest instead. The decision was made. I had to start living with it.

I had to give her the chance to find that life she was meant to have.

But I couldn't leave.

Woven into my every thought was the burning desire to take her back in my arms. My whole being craved her closeness, and even this small separation tore at me. How would I be able to leave? But how could I stay?

She started stirring as the sun came up and the clock showed 6:30am. It was time for her to wake.

"Bella, time to wake up," I said softly. This was another last – I wouldn't stay with her tonight. I couldn't, I knew If I did, I would have this battle every night for the rest of her life. The battle to try to leave, but never ever being able to.

"Good morning," she said with a smile. As she tried to roll over.

"Careful, Bella, your stitches…" I said.

"I'll let you get ready for school. See you there." She said rubbing her eyes.

It took all I had to pull myself away from her warmth as I turned and leapt out her window.

My head automatically turned back and I glanced up at her room before turning for home. The first link had been broken.

As I ran I thought of everything all the things I would have to do to make this right, to make her understand. Hell to make my family understand.

If you love some one, you want to protect them. But what if you're the thing they need to be protected from. How do you cope. How to do you face that. Stuck, a cross roads. Leave and save her. But live forever without her. Stay and watch her die. Either way I loose. Either way, I loose the one thing that is most important to me. I had to think about Bella. And what was best for her.

Leaving was the one thing I had to do.

My family. I had to tell my family.

Rosalie wouldn't be a problem. That was the first. She was always a problem. I slightly thanked her for making this just a bit more easy. One less person to convince.

Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper already had 'moved' at least to the town they had. Carlisle would be the one to organize the move. Find a place to go, and find a job there. Esme would follow him anywhere.

Then that left the hardest.

Alice.

I knew the incident last night would have her on high alert. Looking for all possibilities. She would already see this out come. She would know my decision as soon as I had come upon it.

I knew she would be against it. Whole heartedly she would put up a fight. Her friendship

Her love for Bella. Clouded her judgment. She didn't see that this was the right thing to do. This was right. Staying was wrong. Keeping Bella in harms way was wrong.

She was so convined that Bella was meant to become one of us. Irritating.

I came up closer and closer to the house.

I could here them.

"Alice, are you sure? He wants to leave her?" Emmett's voice was high in disbelief he didn't believe I would be able to do it. That made two of us, but I knew I had to.

"_Yes, I'm sure. His minds made up, for now."_

An image of me climbing the stairs of the porch blinked through her thoughts._ 'y_ou're an idiot, you know that? You cant do this Edward, you just cant!' her mind was screaming at me. She knew I was close enough to hear her.

"It's about time." Rosalie was annoyingly cheerful. "Stupid human was nothing but trouble anyway." Rosalie, I just shook my head.

'No, Edward can't he wouldn't do this. He loves her he wouldn't hurt her like this. Poor Bella, this is going to devastate her.' These last thoughts from my mother hurt the most. The hardest part of leaving was the knowledge that Bella would suffer yet again because of me. She would hopefully soon hate me for what the pain Id caused her. I knew that was impossible. Bella didn't hate anyone. She had to move on though, she would move on eventually. Hopefully. Did I really hope that though? No my heart wanted hre to be mine forever. I shook that thought away. Pushing my heart deeper down, not letting it over take me. Breaking it more.

I reached the steps, and the door opened. "Alice," I said, unsurprised by the glare she focused on me.

"This won't work, you know," she jeered, and a crystal clear image of my Bella dressed in a long white gown filled her mind. I was there too, holding her hand, sliding a ring onto my love's slender finger.

"Stop it, Alice, that's just your imagination." She'd seen this vision on and off all summer, because it was a fantasy of mine. I'd once toyed with the idea of proposing to Bella, but never acted on it.

I growled softly in my throat. She would marry some one, one day, but I wouldn't be me. It couldn't be me. Some one human. Mike Newton. I grimaced at the thought. It was someone at least. That future was not mine, not anymore. Nor was it Bellas.

"That's not how its supposed to be!" I hissed. She is not meant for me. She is meant for so much better.

"You can't leave her. You will kill her Edward!"

"How many times has she been close to death. And because of me, because of what we are?" I growled. "This life was not meant for her. She was meant for better!"

"We'll see," she said in an insolent tone. She closed her eyes, concentrating on me. I cringed, afraid of what she would see.

It was exactly what I had feared. I was at school, with Bella. I sighed, how many days would it take for my heart to listen to reason. The scene changed, it was blurry, out of focus. A figure was laying on the ground.

"You're not as sure of yourself as you'd like us to believe," she muttered as I ran passed her

"I assume Alice has told you what I'm planning." I took a breath and turned around and looked at Carlisle.

"Yes. It is your intention to leave Bella. don't you think that's a little bit drastic?" no it wasn't. it was the right choice. To save Bella.

"She never should have been here. I never should have allowed any of this. I never should have let her into our world. It has nearly killed her more times than I'd like to count. I cant have her life in danger any more. With us, with me she's always in danger. Always. I cant have it, I wont allow it. She needs to have a normal human life. Without all this mess. With out us, with out me. Mythological creatures are for story books. Not life." my voice was even, emotionless. I couldn't let it wavier. One small amount and they would see right through me.

"she makes you happy Edward. You cant give that up. She makes you just as happy as you make her. There has to be another way?" Esme's eyes pleaded as she looked at me. It made it hard to swallow. My one hope was there was another way. Any way. My mind wondered to Alice's vision of stone hard cold, dead Bella. I shook that hope away. There was no hope. Not any more.

"No, there is no other way, Esme. It's not fair to Bella to be in constant danger, and it's not fair to you to have to pretend to be something you're not. Its not fair for any of you."

"I still say your stupid Edward. It wont work. You are so tied to her so connected to her you don't even understand! Your not strong enough to leave. I have told you before, I will tell you again. I've seen it Edward. I've seen the way it should be!" she tried to show me Bella dead again, I ignored her. Her persistence on the matter only pushed me further down the road I knew was the right way.

"You saw two futures for Bella Alice! Immortality. Or the grave. Either way she dies. And I wont have it!" I growled.

"you'll come back Edward. If you mange to leave, you'll come back anyway! You cant keep yourself away from her." she doubted my ability, and my need to protect Bella.

"Watch me!" I hissed.

No one said anything, they just stood there, in shock and disbelief. They knew it was no use to argue.

"I cant stand by and watch her be injured and broken because of us. I have to protect her, this is the right thing. Were are the most dangerous thing to her. We are monsters. We should be feared. We should avoid things like this. But I forced you to do something were not meant to do. For that I am sorry." I looked at Alice. She stood arms crossed stiff as a board. For once looking like a stone cold statue. She was angry. I knew I wouldn't be able to convince her. But I also knew she would follow none the less. All I had to do was convince Jasper.

"Jasper? How is he?" I stated calmly. She knew what I was planning and she knew it would work.

Her face changed, she glared at me even more.

"He's fine, he just needs time," she murmured. Her lie didn't fool anyone.

"You should be with him. Maybe you two could get away. Take a vacation before.." I stopped knowing if I brought up a new school year at a new school she would revert back to the argument.

"I'll go after school," she said. "Bella wont let you do this. You must know that. Your stupid to even try. She loves you to much to try. She loves us. She wont let you leave." she spat

"I'd like it if you went now. don't make it harder for her, or Jasper."

"You want us all to leave?" he eyes went wide almost with terror. She would loose her friend. And I would loose my love.

I took a deep breath. "Yes." I whispered.

"Finally!" Rosalie stated bluntly. I kept in a growl. This was hard enough without her rubbing in an I told ya so.

"Rose, calm down," _Emmett sc_olded. "I'm sorry Edward. I know how much you love her. She seemed so right, she fit in with us." he stopped as he saw my face, another piece of my heart chipped away. His mind briefly went to Arizona, he wished I would have just let her change. He stopped suddenly aware of my change in posture. "if you think this is the only way. I'll do it." he said sadly.

"And what about me, Edward? I love her too." Her eyes flashed with betrayal.

"Then you should understand better than anyone how it is only right to leave. She has suffered so much because of us, because of me."

"Your just to stubborn to see the truth Edward. To stubborn to give her what she wants! To make her safe!" she glared at me seeing Bella as her immortal friend and sister. Seeing Bella cold and dead, with me.

I ground my teeth together.

"It's so easy for you to want to take away her humanity something you have no memory of at all!" I snapped. "Bella doesn't realize what she would be giving up. She doesn't know. And neither do you!" I shot back at her, angry now.

"Bella's humanity is not at issue here," he said sternly.

"Our leaving will make her safe," I said through my teeth.

"But I can't even say goodbye?" she whispered, and I frowned, seeing only misery in her face.

"You know that Bella won't let you go, either, Alice. It'll be easier for both of you this way," I said softly.

"I thought you loved her. How can you treat her like this?" she glared.

"I do love her, that's why I can do this."

"its not right." she shouted at me, she was angry now. She ran out past me.

No one said anything to stunned, to hurt to speak.

Carlisle broke the silence first.

"We can leave today, if that is your wish," he said. "If you think this is right."

"I do, and it is. it's the only way." I replied.

He nodded. "How much time?"

"I want time to say goodbye." Like an addict unable to admit their dependency I tried to hide behind excuses to extend my fix.

He frowned. "Are you sure Edward?"

"Positive." my voice cracked a little. He just nodded again.

I walked away, up to my room. I had to get ready, I had to get changed. I had to prepare myself. For the most difficult task I had ever encountered. I was sure, this was going to hurt worse than my transformation. Hurt worse than anything in this entire world. Ever. The most pain anyone or anything has ever had to endure.

I couldn't do this. No I had to do this.

Right and wrong, two simple five letter words. I had thought so much about them the last few days. Was it right for me to keep her for myself? Yes, but it was also wrong to put her life in danger. Selfish creature that I am, I thought of my needs and wants first. In the end it wasn't about my wants and needs it was about Bella and her safety. The vision of my love in mortal danger because of what my family and I were was just too much. It was hard enough when outsiders were a threat to her, but it was unbearable to think that a threat had come from inside my family. A paper cut. It was something so trivial, people get paper cuts all the time but in the presence of my family it turned into a life threatening situation.

I looked down at myself. Mustering the strength to go to Bella… and begin to say goodbye. Only it would be goodbye for the last time.

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	5. Chapter 5

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_**Chapter 5: Once in a lifetime love**_

_If only I'd accepted what Bella said. Give her, her wishes, let her have the quiet birthday she'd wanted, maybe… But no, this would have happened sooner or later. I was lucky that Bella left her disastrous party with only stitches and not a tombstone._

_When Bella arrived at school, pulling next to me, the same spot every day, the same as yesterday. Only it wasn't the same. Everything was wrong, everything was different. She looked my direction, I knew she was trying to read my face, read my mood. When her pulse accelerated I was tempted to see what emotion her face displayed, but I looked away. No, her feelings, her thoughts, were not my concern any longer only her safety. _

_I looked down at her arm. It looked relatively normal. Hidden beneath her clothes._

"_How do you feel?" I asked._

"_Perfect," she said, nearly spitting the word at me._

_We walked to class in silence. As much as I didn't want t have a conversation with her, knowing it would be that much more difficult. Her silence was deafening, much more worse than I could have imagined. She was irritated. _

_My throat burned worse than ever. Hotter than Hades. A shiver went down my spine. The first time ever in my immortal life I shivered. The silence mad me feel cold. I deserved her silence. I deserved worse than that. I had no intention of breaking the silence between us. Breaking this barrier. This wall. _

_I still fought against the truth. Fought against what was right. I ached to reach toward her, pull her closer to me and feel her warmth against me. Knowing that a single kiss could dazzle her and end the silence. _

_Her mood didn't improve all morning. I kept my eyes straight ahead at the teacher. Pretending to listen, or to care. _

_It went that way the rest of the day._

_As I walked her to PE I stopped her before she entered. "here" I said handing her a piece of paper excusing her from gym. It was from Carlisle. She avoided touching my skin as she grabbed it. Was she aware? Did she know I was slowly trying to say goodbye. Slowly trying to cut myself from her life? _

_The longest conversation we had all day was at lunch. She asked where Alice was. When she heard Alice was gone, she looked guilty almost ashamed. I wanted to put my arm around her, hold her and tell her everything was fine, everything would be ok. I forced myself to have restrain. I knew once my arms were around her, I would never let her go. I had to do the right thing. Let her live her life. A normal human life. With out monsters, with out me._

_The last class of the day was hardest, one of the few I didn't share with Bella. I spent the hour trying to make myself compose the words that I would say, the final goodbye. Knowing in my heart, it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Saying goodbye to my love. Forever._

_When I saw myself walking away from her. A new thought arouse with the agony. What would I do once I left? Where would I go? Where could I go? Far away, I had to go far away. My mind drifted, drifted back to Bella. No matter how far I went, no matter how hard I tried. She would always be the center of my world, constantly calling me back. She would always be my life. I knew, without her, I had no life. She was my life. With out her, I was just empty. I would be empty forever. For the rest of eternity. _

_Finally the bell rang, ending my torture._

_I met Bella outside her class, and we walked quietly to her truck. _

_She seemed lest angry, but more frustrated. _

_My mind went back to a vague promise I had made her. My heart clearly was looking for a way out of this pain, a way back to salvation, back to life._

_;I'll be right here as long as you need me,; I'd said. Clearly she didn't need me to injure her any longer. She didn't need me to kill her._

_She broke the silence as we got to her truck. "You'll come over later tonight?" she asked. _

_I should know why she wasn't expecting me to follow her home, but I couldn't fathom the reason for the change in her routine. What was she doing this afternoon alone? I scrambled to remember what was special about today, even though it shouldn't matter. "Later?"_

"_I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." She seemed proud to have caught me unaware._

"_Oh," was all I could think of to say. I'd planned on spending the afternoon working at her kitchen table on homework that was a waste of graphite and paper. Then I would leave her before dinner for the night, taking the next step in my extended goodbye. Tonight she would sleep alone._

"_So, you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?"_

_No, I'll see you tomorrow. That's what I should say. What difference was a few hours? _

_I should say it, I had to say it. The words just say no popped into my head. _

_I wondered if she could hear the weakness in my reply. "If you want me to."_

"_I always want you to," she said with such conviction that I had to work to keep my face expressionless._

_I'll always want to. "All right then," I replied flatly, and helped her into the truck. _

_I fought the urge to kiss her good bye. I kissed her on the forehead. I had to do something. Even though I should I was like a junky to his stash. _

_I went to my car. I closed my eyes, shutting out the world around me. Closing them off. Trying to focus on the task at hand. On the goodbye I knew would surely come, it had to._

_I kept my eyes closed, refusing to watch her drive away._

_I grabbed my steering wheel and clenched it tightly between my hands. I took a deep breath. If vampires could cry, I knew my car would have been soaked by now. My heart broke in to a few more small pieces. Knowing this was going to end. _

_I started the car, didn't know where I was driving. Just drove not paying attention to anything around me._

_Was there no other way? I had promised her forever. Was it to be just another broken promise? The pile was growing, was it necessary to add another? I knew it was, knew there was no way around this for us. All hope was lost. But I was a monster in more than just the literal sense, and for this reason we could never be together. Only a monster would be so selfish as to put the savior of their life in mortal peril to satisfy their own own brother had attempted to kill her, and if I for one moment had a lapse in self-control, Bella would be gone, gone to a place I could never follow her to. There was no heaven for those of us with no soul. But of course when she finally went there, I would surely follow her into death, the furthest I could follow her to, as soon as I could. A world void of Bella was no world for me.I would no longer put Bella in danger. As I pondered that which was to come, my chest was seized by two fists of granite which wrapped themselves around my chest and squeezed with all their might, crippling me. I had not felt pain like this since… I tried not to remember last spring in Phoenix, when I thought I had lost her forever.I had to leave Bella… How could I do the impossible?Every second was heaven, ever second was hell, but I loved her and she made it worth the constant agony._

_She was beautiful in every way possible, from the way she looked to the way in which she loved. Her intellectuality and attitude only attracted me even more, as did my frustrating inability to read her thoughts. She was the most precious thing that existed in this world, in the universe and that would never change. I had lived long enough to know that she was the one that I was meant to love, had always been meant to love. I would love her like no other because unlike all the promises and declarations that humans enjoyed to make to one another, my love for her would be forever._

_I loved her enough that the thought of existing without her was too painful to even consider. When I had told her what I had contemplated during the time when I thought that she might have died, she had been furious with me. I had let her have her say, but I had never regretted my thoughts. I could not and would not live in a world where she did not exist. As she had lay recovering in the hospital bed, I had almost found the courage and will to do what was right and naturally, upon waking, she had shattered my determination. It upset me no end to see her so distressed, almost as much as it did knowing that being with me was a danger to her, so I succumbed to her will. If only it were because she wanted me, that at least would have made the sacrifice minutely selfless, but it was because I wanted her too. If I hadn't, I would have ended it there and then. My selfishness had much to answer for. I had wanted what was best for her, but after the ordeal, my feelings were twice as strong, the resistance I had shown while extracting James' venom from her only proving the extent and value in which I held her. The aftermath of the events made me more aware of what __I should _do and more reluctant to do it. How could I relinquish the one who I loved with every fiber of my being? How could I release my hold on her when her hold on me was so immense, so final and so powerful?

Jaspers attack had changed things dramatically. I had always fooled myself into thinking that I could keep her safe; I had never dreamt that she would be in danger of being attacked by a member of my own family. I did not hold it against my brother. The accident only proved that I had been the one at fault. I had been so careless and thoughtless, that I had overlooked the constant, looming threat that was presented in the form of _us_. I was always too preoccupied with suppressing my own thirst, knowing that I was the only one that was affected by her so. I never stopped to think about such insignificant things, such as how her endearing accident-prone nature and ludicrously bad luck could lead to a potential feeding frenzy, whilst she was locked in a house full of vampires! How did I feel about her now? Did I love her more than ever? Did I want to protect her more than ever? Yes and yes, but did I love her enough to do what was best for her?…

Could I let her go? Could I walk away and pretend that we had never met? Could I go back to the life that I had tolerated day by day at a snail's pace before she had arrived in this small town? I could walk away. For her sake, I could leave, but I could never forget her and there was no possible way in which I could _ever _return to my previous state of being, not now, not knowing what I was about to lose. After nearly one hundred years of self-indulgence, this would be my sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice; so unbearable was the thought, I was unsure how I would cope. I forced my mind to return to her. This was not about me, it was all about her and if my suffering meant that she would be safe, I would take all the pain in the world. Her happiness and safety meant more to me than my own and I would do whatever it took to do what was best for her. I wanted to plan further, if only for the sake of the distraction from the pure agony and loss that lurked around the corner, ready to consume me, but it was impossible.

When I realized that I'd parked at the curb in front of Bella's house, I knew I'd found my distraction. Hunting Victoria could be the one thing that could keep my mind off of Bella. Maybe…

Looking at the tiny house, and the old lace curtains hanging in one window in particular, all other thoughts vanished. I could remember every time I'd scaled the wall and opened the window, entering the only heaven I'd know. 

Thankfully Charlie arrived home early, and invited me in. "Bella will be home soon," he said, looking at his watch. "Ya hungry?"

I just shrugged, and followed him into the house. 

Charlie was unaware of my turmoil, and pulled out some leftover pizza while we waited for Bella.

Charlie switched on Sports Center and slipped in to quiet concentration on the scores as they were displayed on the screen.

I had known that it was going to be hard, but it was worse than I had imagined. While waiting for her, I went over my plan that was already in motion. Detaching myself from her, setting her free, second by second further and further apart.

The second that I heard the roar of her truck, my resolve began to crumble. She didn't see any of it; I hid it beautifully. It was incredible what a few hours away from her could do to me. I wanted to forget it all and then I scolded myself inwardly for being so weak. 

The door hit the side of the house as she entered. "Dad, Edward?" she called, her voice frantic.

"In here," Charlie replied, not responding to her urgency. .

"Hi," she said timidly. I didn't move, I was afraid any movement would crumble my already weak plan.

"Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay," she said.

I looked at her and smiled, remembering my manners. "I'll be right behind you," I said, then tore my eyes away. Another lie – I wasn't going to leave the chair I was in until I went to the front door.

Bella was just sitting in the kitchen. I hadn't heard the pizza box open, nor had the disgusting smell of pepperoni intensified. Her breathing was labored, and her heart was racing. What was she thinking about?

I crossed and uncrossed my legs, fighting the urge to go to her, and thankfully she calmed. Whatever had bothered her must have resolved itself. She was strong, she would heal. I heard shuffling in the kitchen, and hoped she was finally getting something to eat.

As I settled into the chair again, wishing for the same ability to recover, her pulse jumped again. I tensed, but she rushed up the stairs to her room. I caught a glimpse of her face as she flew by, and determination was all I saw.

The next sounds I heard should have surprised me, but the clicking of the camera was just the sort of unpredictable reaction I'd come to expect from Bella. At least something good was coming from her birthday presents.

I was beginning to worry that I would have to go upstairs to say goodnight to her, when she came down the stairs, much slower than she'd gone up. It was the camera that reappeared first, as Bella snapped another photo.

I didn't react, but she had my full attention. She insisted that I take one of her and her father, and I began to grow suspicious. Bella wasn't one for sentimentality, why this sudden interest in preserving the moment?

Charlie volunteered to take one of the two of us, and I lightly touched her shoulder, posing for the picture. She wrapped her arm tightly around me, and I wondered if she'd learned of my plan to go. Had Alice gone to her at work?

I forced my lips into an empty smile when the camera flashed. Thankfully Charlie put a stop to the photography after that.

She sat next to me, on the floor.

The sight of her on the floor, wrapped in a ball, crushed me. She was so small, so vulnerable, and she was trembling. Why was I putting her through this? "I'd better get home," I said, hoping she'd be relieved.

"See ya," Charlie said absently.

I made my way to my car, while she scrambled to keep up.

"Will you stay?" she asked, but her depressed tone told me which answer she expected. 

I silently wished she wanted me to go, but the tone of her voice gave it away.

"Not tonight." Not ever again.

The rain began to fall with my words, providing the tears I couldn't cry.

Bella didn't move, not touching me, she crossed her arms flat over her chest. 

She held it all in, all her emotions. She was holding it in, as was I.

I tried not to look at my mirrors as I drove away, but I couldn't help it. Bella stood there in the rain, watching me disappear. My heart ached again, ripping it apart. Crippling me. Would she do the same when I told her I was leaving. Would she just simple stand motionless watching me. 

The thought of spending this night alone, without the sound of her heartbeat to comfort me, brought the lump back to my throat. I had not spent a night alone with out her except to hunt. 

I took a deep raspy breath.

It had to be this way – she had to be safe…

My heart wrenched within me as I thought of the possibility, the pain twisted my face. It would kill me to leave her. It would kill her if I were to stay. I would not put myself first again. I would not risk her again. I would not be that selfish. If I must die to save her, then so be it. I resigned myself to my fate. My love. She had already saved me, it was my turn now. I longed not to go back to her, to stay forever. I knew the impossibility of such a wish and turned away from the hope that intertwined it. I knew Bella was my once in a lifetime love. I would always remember her. I would long for her for eternity. Our love, would never die.

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	6. Chapter 6

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**Chapter 6: Goodbye**

Today was the day I would say good bye to Bella. I could do this, I had to do this. Right? Yes it was the difference between right and wrong. She would move on, her life would be full of love and warmth. She would find some one else. Some one better. I slowly continued this build myself up, convincing myself that this was what was right. I would ask her to meet me at her house after school and I would tell her. Then I would leave forever. The thought was almost impossible to believe.

Today was the last day – the last day I would see her, the last day of what I could call my life. But she would live a much longer, much happier life, without me. Any pain I suffered would be easy payment if she could live the human life she deserved.

I had to make this happen it was time to say goodbye. i had no choice. This was the right thing. This was what was best for Bella. My family was already gone, some with a bit of a fight. Alice was not happy with me, she thought I was being foolish, she thought this wasn't going to work. She saw this wasn't going to work. But I had to prove her wrong, I had to stay strong, for Bella. This was no longer about what I wanted. This was about what Bella needed. She needed to be safe, she needed to be pushed out of my world. She was never meant for my world, never meant for the danger. She was meant for better.

I didn't know how long this would take. I could spend all afternoon trying to convince her that I didn't love her. She may never believe me. I had to make her believe me.

It was almost a relief to have to sit here and wait for her to arrive at school. Her truck pulled up, and I couldn't hide my first reaction. I smiled at the thought of her arrival,

Waiting for her magnificent scent to hit me. Anticipating the angelic face of my love. No, I had succeeded in separating myself from her more and more over the last few days. Today was the last day. I couldn't think this way, I couldn't indulge in these thoughts, not today. Today was goodbye. Today had to be goodbye. I looked down, I had to look away. Calm myself. Ready myself for this.

When I looked up my eyes were empty again. Bella came around to my car, her face was empty also. She could feel the coming change, I could tell, but she was fighting it, she was denying it. Part of me wanted her to resist, to keep me from leaving, but I carefully locked those selfish thoughts away. She deserved better than this, better than me.

"Good Morning," Bella said without feeling. As I lifted her backpack off her shoulder I put my other hand in my pocket, not only keeping her from it, but keeping myself from doing the wrong thing. I had to be strong, for Bella.

Finally the end of the day was almost here. I walked Bella to her last class. A class we didn't share. Every second with her was agony knowing that there were so few left, knowing this was coming to an end.

"Will I see you after school?" she asked, almost fearful. She was scared of the answer.

"Sure," I said emotionless. She frowned, and turned, entering the building. I sighed as she disappeared. The rest of the afternoon would be filled with the two tasks I dreaded most: collecting any evidence of my presence in Bella's life, and saying goodbye. But it had to be done. I had to leave her, and I had to leave her without any trace of me. It would be easier that way.

Instead of heading my class. I headed to Bella's house. I knew I would not have time to do this after it was all over. I wouldn't have enough strength to enter this house after it all. If I did, I knew I wouldn't leave.

I ran up the stairs, knowing I had to do this fast. I couldn't think about it. I couldn't reminisce. Just get it done and over with.

As I grabbed her door, I froze. What was I doing? How could I do this. How could I leave. Leave my one and only love. The hardest thing I had ever had to do. I turned the door knob and opened the door. It felt like I hadn't been here in forever.

I had to do this I told myself. It was the right thing. How many times would I tell myself that? The right thing. I slightly rolled my eyes at the thought.

I had to get to work. I had one reason and one reason only for being here. I had to do this. I had to erase myself from Bella's life.

I easily located all of the things that Bella had ever let me give her. There was her birthday presents, I grabbed the tickets, and removed the CD from her CD player.

I thought about removing the stereo system but then decided against it. A gaping whole would probably be worse than the radio its self.

I looked around again, making sure it was all gone, making sure I was all gone.

I spotted her photo album on the floor. The pictures, I had to, they would be to much for her to handle.

I took a deep breath and tried not to think about the bed I sat on, about the nights spent there, holding her… DON'T…the nights spent talking to her, holding her, kissing her. STOP! I practically yelled at myself.

I grabbed the book and picked it up flipping it open. The first picture she had taken. I examined the photo. Not recognizing the person staring back at me. Smiling. Exotically happy. It was before, when I was still happy, when I still was in denial of the fact Bella was in constant danger. I gently pulled the photo and turned the page. I flipped through the book, removing any and all evidence of me. Any picture I was in, background or front and center was removed. I got to the last page. Me and Bella. I sighed, I was temtped to take the picture with me. But I couldn't, I was removing myself from bellas life, but at the same time I had to remove her as much as possible from mine. The memories would never fade, but reminders like this. Pictures of my love would just make me want to return.

I collected all the items I was taking and looked around one last time, picking up the negatives that were sitting on her desk. There was nothing else I had to find, to take. What would I do with these reminders? I couldn't keep them.

I couldn't dispose of them – they still belonged to Bella regardless.

The loose floor board came up easily, revealing a small space between the joists. Somehow the thought of leaving these memories behind, so close to her, comforted me. She would never know, but I would. One last selfish act. The last I could give her.

As the board slipped back into place I realized that my heart was being sealed in to the tiny space as well. I would never be whole again. I stood, took one more look, then ran out of the house. Ran away from the one thing I wanted most, to stay. Forever.

I waited in my car for the final bell to ring. For Bella to walk out to her truck. This would be the last time I saw her walk from school. The last time ever.

Right before the Bella rang I thought to myself. These would be the last moments I would have with Bella. I decided to meet her out side of her class.

Forcing my eyes ahead, we walked to her truck. I couldn't help but steal a glance at her as we walked, and I could see resolve forming on her face. She was preparing to fight. How I loved her, only here. Ever there would never be another for me. I knew that, but there has to be some one better for her. Someone she deserved, she deserved a full happy human life.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked.

"Of course not."

"Now?" I asked too quickly.

She looked at me puzzled. "Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I looked down at the envelope in her truck. It was so full it could barely close. I looked at the shape analyzing it. She had doubles made of the pictures. I had to get rid of them.

"I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I managed a smile, as I grabbed it, but she didn't return it.

"Okay," she said.

I would have to get these safely stored away with the other memories the other pictures under her floor.

I raced to her house. Knowing she would have trouble getting her giant ancient truck out of the over packed school parking lot.

Time was nearly up; Bella would be arriving soon. I finished sealing the letter and the floor, and didn't bother looking back this time. Slipping into my car, I hid the letter under my traveling bag in the passenger seat and turned on the radio. I covered my eyes with my hand, trying to focus on what had to happen in these last minutes. The goodbye that was inevitable it was this, or death for Bella. Death in the way of becoming immortal but I would never allow that. The only death for Bella would be six feet under, in a coffin. I shook the thought out of my head and waited.

Bella was not a fool. She knew something was up. She was worried that something was seriously wrong. She thankfully didn't realize my real intentions. It was clear that she would resist me. She wouldn't understand that this was the right thing to do. the only way to keep her safe. She would be hurt by my words, and the thought of her sadness was like a knife in my heart. I turned the radio on.

How would I do this? Where would I do it? I couldn't do it here, I couldn't do it at her home, the memory of this moment would kill, I couldn't do that to the place she lived, to the only place she had left.

The woods. It was the only place.

Perhaps my goodbye would discourage her from ever treading that path again, keeping her just a little farther away from the dangers lurking in the woods.

I reached down and turned off the radio. The music had been no help, only serving to remind me of what I was about to give up. I realized that my one refuge would no longer hold any peace for me. The ache in my chest intensified, but what I felt didn't matter. Only she mattered, her safety. I tried to breathe as I heard her truck approach. I had to do this. I had to do this now.

I got out to meet her. Her scent him me like it always did, but for once I didn't try to push the bloodlust away. I embraced it, remembering the creature I was, this was why I was here. This monster, and all others like it, had to be removed from Bella's life for good.

She looked at me, with confused eyes. Sadness. I was temtped to reach out hold her, make the pain go away.

I am a monster and she would die if I stayed I reminded myself.

"Come for a walk with me," I said. I struggled to maintain my calmness. This had to be absolutely right, or she wouldn't fall for it. I half expected her not to fall for it anyway.

She grabbed my hand as I led her to the woods. Her heart was beating fast, and her breathing was heavy.

I stopped, within easy sight of the house, she had to be able to find her way back. I dropped her hand, breaking yet another connection between us. My hand ached to reach out grab her hand again, hold it and never let go.

Bella frowned nervously as I gazed at her, diverting my attention momentarily. The words I'd planned to say ran through my mind.

"Okay, let's talk," she said strongly.

"Bella, we're leaving." she took a deep breath, but her expression relaxed and my heart sank. This was going to be exceptionally difficult.

"Why now? Another year –" she started.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I studied her expression as her brow furrowed in thought. She didn't understand. How could I make her understand, she had to understand.

Her face changed, and her face got pale. My stone heart ached, seethed in pain.

"When you say _we_ –" she whispered and paused. No, don't do it, there has to be a better way, my heart screamed, but I would not be swayed. I had to do this. I had to be strong

"I mean my family and myself," I said. Not you, never you. Please come with me. Let her come! My heart screamed at me.

She shook her head, displaying the argument I was expecting. She didn't say anything, as my words were slowly sinking in. she looked relieved. How, my heart ached, in realization.

"Okay, I'll come with you." And the argument began. I wanted that, so much, to take her away with me, to stay here wit hher. Run away with her, just the two of us. Only the two of us. I couldn't I wouldn't keep her in harms way. No matter where she was I had to be some where else.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going," I paused. Knowing it wasn't where my family was it was the danger ahead of me, finding victory. That was what I was going to do, I had to do. "it's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me," she said stubbornly. How could I get her to see, to let me go?

"I'm no good for you, Bella," I said firmly.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."

No, that's wrong… she is the best part, she is all of my life. Always she saw things backwards. I very nearly backed out of it all, knowing this wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was to stay with Bella, but I knew perfectly well that would be selfish. She needed this, and she wasn't willing to make the decision on her own. I needed to do this for her; It was probably the only good thing I would be able to do for her.

"My world is not for you." And never would be, no matter what Alice saw.

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right." Finally she saw something for what it was. "It was exactly what was to be expected." And would happen again.

She didn't give up, she was stubborn. "You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay –"

"As long as that was best for you." But my presence had only brought her closer to death, brought her danger beyond her wildest dreams. My world was what nightmares were made of, not fairy tales.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she yelled. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care. You can have my soul. I don't want it without you it's yours already!" she shouted.

I ripped my eyes from hers, tilting my head down but seeing nothing. How wrong she was I could never take her soul, destroy such a beautiful, perfect spirit. If I could give her mine in return, maybe, but mine had long since made its way to hell. There was no way I would allow her to join me there, no matter how much she begged. That would be worse than watching her die.

Bella was hanging on to every last thread of hope to convince me to stay. Even my lifeless heart was clenching in agony. I was hurting her, something I had tried to avoid, but she was so persistent. There was only one last thing I was forced to add before I left. I needed to leave her so she could heal and move on. I was hoping to not have to resort to this, but it was the only way. Lying had become a part of my life. Lying about what I was, who I was, what I did, but nothing could even compare to lie that I was about to tell.

Your not good for me, I don't want you. No. that wouldn't work how could she possibly believe it? She'd witnessed the happiness she gave me. The reason for my existence. The happiness that made spend every moment possible with her. The evidence was not just emotional, but physical. Esme, Carlisle, even _Rosalie_ had commented on my appearance, the light that Bella instilled in me. The life she gave me. No, she would reject this lie before it left my lips.

But what choice did I have? she had to be free to live.

Somehow I had to convince Bella I didn't love her. She saw through everything with her superhuman perception so how could I sell such a lie? But if she saw it in reverse, could she finally understand that I was wrong for her, that she deserve so much more? What would I do if it didn't work?

The hole in my chest ripped open wide, and I let everything that she'd given me disappear into it, finding that nothing remained. I was gone everything that was Edward Cullen disappeared with her; all that was left was the cursed stone shell I wore. It was with empty eyes I looked up at her and spoke the heinous words, the greatest lie.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I said, using every ounce of control that I had to not let the anguish that was inside me slip out. I stared at her with cold eyes as I could hear her heart start beating faster, and her breathing came close to hyperventilation.

She didn't move, though, and stood staring up at me blankly. Her brow creased, as if trying to make sense of such a simple statement. She must be choosing her next argument she knows that I live for her. How many times had I confessed my love to her in these past months? We spent hardly an hour apart. I hadn't been more than an a few minutes away from her since returning from Phoenix. How can I convince her that all my actions had been meaningless, when in truth they were the first worthwhile things I had in my life? She wouldn't believe it, I saw that now. She couldn't, she knew me better.

Her lips began to move. "You…don't…want me?" Her voice was confused – and that shocked me to no end. She believed it?

"No," was all I could say.

She had to see through this lie – how could she believe such a myth? Her expression changed only slightly, but not to the angry disbelief I was expecting.

"Well, that changes things," she said evenly. My heart, hidden away from her ripped in two, and I had to look away. She believed me, she believed the lie. The biggest emptiest lie ever. How easily she accepted the lie that I could just throw her away like that, throw her love away. It was as if she was leaving me now. She actually believed me.

I had to continue, no matter how much this hurt me, I had to do this for Bella. I had to stay something keep her believing this extraordinary lie.

I looked away to be sure that my face would not betray me when I said, "Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." I paused at my lie. "…I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that," I ended, it was the truth, this had gone on far to long. But I was a shameless liar. The lies I have told over the years were nothing compared to this. Only the last part of that speech was true. The longer we spent together, the more attached we both came, which only made this inevitable moment more difficult.

"Don't," she whispered, "Don't do this." Each word speared me. No, don't do this! my heart screamed in agreement. Listen to her it shouted. I pushed the words away. She had to live. I had to leave her.

"You're not good for me, Bella," I lied again. Her face fell, completely embracing the words. How can you believe me without you I'm nothing. There has never been anything as good for me as you, my love.

She must live, I argued silently. I had to let her go. I had to watch her break, I she would heal.

Bella was the only thing in the world that was good for me, but I was being too selfish in the past months.

She struggled again with her words, starting to speak, but then paused. I waited, barely enduring the torture. I would never again know what she was thinking. That thought almost broke me, almost obeying my heart reaching out grabbing her holding her, telling her I was a vicious cruel liar. But I resisted.

"If … that's what you want," she said softly. Trying, I could tell, to keep the pain out of her voice. I nodded because I was unsure that I could respond without emotion. The pain was just to much to bare.

What I want doesn't matter…

Her demeanor changed again, becoming distant. Her hands swayed at her sides, and fear rushed through me at the thought she may faint. There was only one thing more, then I would go.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." Her face softened for a moment and I could see that she would do anything for me, that she cared that much. I saw her face full of eagerness and willingness to fulfill any last wish I asked of her. I could feel the hurt flash across my face before I could compose my expression once again. Every cell in my body begged me one last time to stop, to wrap my arms around Bella and never let her go. It is all a lie!

My chest began to ache and I had to fight for every breath, carefully concealing the truth from my one and only love.

"Anything," she said, she promised.

I couldn't hide my feelings as I made my last request of her. I gazed deeply into her eyes, willing her to know how much I loved her, how important she was to me. Lost in her perfect chestnut pools, I had to remind myself to speak

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I commanded with more emotion and intensity than I had conveyed in the past few days. As Bella nodded, I slipped back into my zombie-like expression.

Carefully I tried to lock away all the love, all the concern, my whole life, hiding it from her again. Pushing it all away, for without her I was nothing.

But she will live. I reminded myself, this is for her.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself for him." And for me. The last and final lie.

"I will," she breathed, nodding her head again. At least she didn't argue this one point.

I owed her my own oath, though it rang hollow, mixed in with all the lies. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." As I spoke the words, I tried to brand them into my heart. She deserved nothing less from me.

Making this promise was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, because I was going to do my very best to fulfill it. Bella began to tremble, and I knew it was time that I had to leave.

Bella teetered before me. Again I feared she would faint – if I had to carry her to the house I didn't think my will would hold.

"Don't worry. You're human your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." But not for me_…_I tried to sound reassuring.

As if she read my mind she said "And your memories?" After all I had put her through, she still cared too much for me.

"Well…"

How I wanted to tell her that I would remember every intimate detail of her. Her smell, her touch, every single word she'd ever spoken to me, every look, every smile, every tear, even her unbelievably delicious taste was etched into my memory permanently, never leaving me, always there to haunt me until the end of my days. I couldn't even lie to her she would see through me in a second.

"…I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted." This was not entirely a lie because we are easily distracted, but I was unsure that anything would be able to distract my thoughts of Bella.

I tried to smile, to convince her, and myself, that it was true. At the moment, I couldn't see how I could possibly avoid thinking of her, of this moment. Victoria_,_ my mind whispered, but the name faded away on the breeze.

Bella'd believed me, believed the outrageous lie, and this was the end. It was finally time to leave. If I stayed any longer I wouldn't ever go. I stepped back, my chest empty but for the pain, a pain I would live with until the end of my existence.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." As I prepared to turn away, her expression changed to surprise, and it caught me off guard for a second.

"Alice isn't coming back." Bella realized and another flash of pain flew across her face. I shook my head slowly, still looking at her.

It seemed I must continue to torture her, and myself. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." Her face was vacant now, completely empty, just like my spirit. Her face mirrored mine.

"Alice is gone?" she asked, still in disbelief.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." This was an understatement. Alice had begged me to let her see Bella one last time, but she obeyed my wishes. She was angry she was pissed, she hated me for it. But I knew that would not have been good for Bella. I struggled to keep Alice's visions of me and Bella happily together from intruding on my mind. That future would disappear now.

Bella began to sway again, her face was white, pale almost as pale as me, her eyes were empty. She took a breath. How I wanted to hold her.

It is time…let her live. Run, leave forever. Say goodbye! My mind was fighting with my heart, fighting with what I wanted.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said softly, taking one last, long look at her beautiful face. Before I could move, she stepped toward me.

"Wait!" Bella half-shouted, but her voice broke. Her hand reached forward for me, but I pinned them to her sides. I leaned down and foolishly, and gently pressed my lips on her forehead for the last time.

I savored the warmth, the smell, the feeling of her pulse in my hands and under my lips, and for one more second the sound of her heart. My senses were full of her, and my heart tried again. Don't do it! Stay with her, forever… she needs you, she LOVES YOU. Stay don't do this. Fighting every instinct I had, I let go. "Take care of yourself," I whispered, pulling away quickly. If I let it last any longer I would not have been able to stop. Her eyes closed and I took that moment to turn and run away from the only thing that tethered me to life. I ran from the only thing that mattered to me, in hopes that she would be better off without me. I ran from my life, my world.

She will live… but the words were empty, as I knew that my life was over. Without her I would only exist, until the day she died. Then I would cease to exist, and then the pain would end. There would be no more pain for me.

Without looking back I ran as fast as I could. Each step tore at my flesh, ripping another small piece of my heart away and leaving it behind me. In three of her heartbeats I was standing next to my car.

I listened for her footsteps to cross the lawn, but heard a much more disturbing sound, the fading rustle of leaves. She was trying to follow me.

Bella, don't try and find me… let me be, live your life. I willed her to hear my plea.

My eyes turned toward the trees again, my legs begging me to go find her, but with all the strength I could muster I turned the opposite direction and ran into her house. I found a piece of paper and quickly scribbled a note, mimicking her unique handwriting and telling Charlie where to find her in case she got lost. I glanced at the clock as I set the note by the phone. He would be home in minutes to watch the early game; she couldn't go far. He would make sure she was safe. He had to make sure she was safe, this one last time she would be in danger because of me.

As I returned to my car, I heard her again, still walking through the greenery. There was nothing left inside me now except pain, and with every sound it deepened. If I stayed another second I wouldn't be able to stand it, I would go to her. And once she was within my grasp I would never let her go. Ever. I had to leave.

I got in my car quickly. Barely seeing the road as I drove away for the last time.

Her scent was still in my Volvo, it would linger for a while before slowly disappearing in time. I had to ignore the need to turn around and run to her, hold her. I had to ignore the urge to return. I could never return.

In the distance I could hear Bella calling after me. It was so hard to keep moving forward, away from her, when everything in me was drawn to her voice. I pushed myself forward trying to block out the pained cries of "Edward" that followed me. She is better off without me. I am not good enough for her. I am a monster that haunted her once pleasant life. I drove further and further away. Never to return.

I couldn't control myself any longer. I had to pull over. I was unable to take the torture any longer. The last vision the last sight I had of Bella, flashed through my head. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't shake it off. I couldn't get the last torturing sight out of my head. There could be no agony worse than this.

I reminded myself there could be. There could be more agony than this. I slowly reminded myself of the sight I saw in phoenix. Bella's broken body laying in a pool of her own blood. There could be worse than this. To many times her life had been endangered by me. By being exposed to my world. My world full of nightmarish mythological creatures. She was not meant for that world. It was just a matter of time before she would get hurt again. Or worse.

Then she would be gone forever, and it would be my fault.

The pain of that thought brought my hands up to my face as my chest was slashed open and everything inside vanished. As empty as leaving her left me, the idea of her dying literally erased my existence. I forced myself to breathe, to calm down, but the sensation was now permanent. At least without me she would live. She would enjoy a human life, and it would end someday in a human death. Then she would find the paradise I would never see.

The pain wrenched inside me worse. She had believed the lie. After everything, she believed me.

How could she believe that I could just leave her? I was so prepared for her to fight, to beg, to make it impossible for me to leave, that I was shocked when she didn't. Her love had changed me in innumerable ways; I had assumed that it was the same for her. Had I been wrong all this time?

I tried to breathe, but couldn't. Every thought that crossed my mind only caused more hurt. Even as I tried to think about how much better off Bella was without the danger my world posed, I found no comfort. As she moved forward with her life, mine ceased. There was nothing for me now, nothing.

I had to prepare myself for the hunt, I had to find victoria. What about my family? I owed them a goodbye. I should go. I told them I would come.

I decided I would stay for a week or two. Prepare myself to find and hunt down victoria. It was the only thing I could do now. Nothing else mattered, nothing made sense.

Slowly I managed a breath. I straightened up and rubbed my face, trying to erase some of the sadness. My emotions could not be locked away again; Bella had the only part of me that allowed that…my heart.

**OK THIS CHAPTER WAS HARD. IT WAS SAD AND DEPRESSING LOL… I HATED WRITING IT.. I WANTED TO JUST CHANGE IT AND HAVE HIM LISTEN TO HIS HEART. BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT COULDN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN:-/…. HMMM PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YA THINK.. WAS THIS HOW YOU IMAGINED HIM FEELING???**

**REVIEW!!! COME ON I KNOW YOU ALL CAN DO IT!! PLEASE AND THANK YOU! **

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	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N:**_

_**Review review please and thank you!!!**_

_**Tell me what you think. **_

_**Chapter 7: Cant go home, I have no home**_

_I arrived at the house. My house, our new home. I knew it wouldn't be home. It couldn't be. Nothing would ever be home again with out Bella. Nothing would be the same. I looked around the outside of the house. I didn't sense anyone inside. They must be out hunting, or finding good places to. I looked around one last time. _

_Should I go in? should I run? I couldn't be any help to them.. I would just be a bother. A burden to my entire family. I was just a shell of my former self. And they would know, and I would hear there thoughts, there apologizes. I sighed, stepping onto the front porch and opening the door._

_I had to at least try, for them. I had to try to b normal._

_I looked around the room, it was the first time I had seen the new house. Carlisle had done a good job picking it out and the location was good. Esme of course with Alice's help did a wonderful job of decorating. I'm sure with time, this will become home. It had to right? _

_I heard some one clear there throat behind me. Alice I sighed and turned toward her._

"_Glad you could make it." she hissed sarcastically at me. She was angry, very angry._

"_It took a little less than a day to get here." I tried to make good conversation, keep up the façade of a normal existence. "Where's the rest…" she cut me off before I could ask._

"_Hunting." she glared at me._

"_Why didn't.." again she cut me off. With a lot more force this time._

"_You know, I used to agree with Bella." I cringed at the name. it killed me to hear it. Or think it. I gritted my teeth as Alice continued her tirade. "About you being a monster. I never thought we were ever really monsters. Especially you Edward. I never thought you were capable of being one. Until I saw this." I took a deep breath and tried to block out her vision, knowing what it would be, but not expecting it at the same time. I saw Bella. My beautiful angel. She was drenched from the rain. Laying in a crumpled ball on the wet muddy forest floor. My chest ripped open further and further, I didn't think it was possible to have that ache be any worse. I was wrong. I bent over and fell on my knees. Dry sobs erupt through me. I wished the pain would just stop. Burn me where I was, kneeling on the floor._

"_Alice, please." I managed to choke._

"_No, I'm not done! That was just yesterday after you left her! After you broke her! Do you hve any idea what you are doing to her? Your killing her, and I don't think you even give a damn. So no I will not stop! You deserve this! Maybe if you ee enough you will realize the pain your causing her is so much worse than what it could have been. Your being stupid, maybe you'll realize that! This entire thing is stupid! Pointless! you cant live with out her Edward, and she cant live without you! As much as you want to think she can, she cant!" She snapped at me, and forced another one of her nightmarish horror visions in my head._

_This time she was sleeping. What looked like peacefully. She was fine without me, her nightmares didn't come. I slowly realized Alice wouldn't show me this if there wasn't a bad side. Suddenly Bella was screaming, she was scared, so scared. She screamed my name, and told me not to leave. She said she loved me. _

_My dead heart was ripped from me in that instant, there was nothing left. Nothing at all. _

"_I love you to Bella." whispered still kneeling on the floor. Dry sobs broke free again, I wished I could cry, something, anything would be better than this._

"_No you don't love her! If you did you wouldn't have left her like that Edward!" she was shouting, I could hear the pain in her voice as well. But it was nothing compared to my own._

_Another vision entered my head, it was Bella, she was alone. She looked sick, something was wrong, she was Bella, but she wasn't my Bella. She was lifeless, empty. There was no emotion there, there was nothing left. It broke my heart to see that. What was left of my heart. She had. I no longer had a heart. She was my heart. _

_Suddenly it changed. Bella was sitting at the table with Charlie. Suddenly his fist came down on the table. "That's it Bella, I'm sending you home!" he shouted at her, a low growl escaped my throat. She looked up from her bowl surprised. _

"_I am home." she mumbled and looked at him, confusion covered her face._

"_I'm sending you to Renee in Jacksonville." he clarified for her._

_She gasped. She clearly was as confused as I was. What could she have done?_

"_What did I do?" she replied she was hurt, sad. She didn't understand. I wanted to reach out and grab her, hold her. Make all the pain go away. Kiss her passionately like I never had before. I almost reached out in front of me, before I realized there was just air, she wasn't really there. I would never again hold my Bella. My love._

_Charlie scowled at her as she thought about what he said._

"_You didn't do anything. that's the problem! You never do anything!" _

"_You want me to get into trouble? She looked like she had to force herself to pay attention. Stay focused. _

"_Trouble would be better than this. This moping around all the time!" the pain in my chest deepened. _

"_I am not mopping around." she replied looking clearly hurt._

"_Wrong word. Moping would be better. That would be doing something. Your just." he paused for a minute, clearly looking for the right word." Lifeless., Bella. I think that's the word I want." Lifeless so I wasn't the only one to see that. _

_She sighed and apologized to Charlie._

"_I don't want you to apologize." _

_She sighed again. "Then tell me what you want me to do." _

"_Bella." he stopped and hesitated. "Honey, your not the first person to go through this kind of thing." I had to grin at that, she was the first, the first id ever known to ever fall in love with a monster. With a mythological creature, a vampire._

_She looked empty. "I know that." _

"_listen honey, I think that, maybe you need some help."_

"_Help?" she questioned. Not understanding it right away like I had._

_He wanted her to go see a shrink. She wouldn't be able to get the help from a shrink. You have to be honest to them, to get the help. She told him shed go out tonight instead._

"_That's not what I want." he paused. I could see the frustration in his face. "I don't think I can live through seeing you try harder. I've never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch." she tried to ignore it, but I could see through her. See through the hurt, the pain. The pain that I caused her, I could only hope that this was just a few days from now. She would get over it._

_I watched as they fought, he wanted her to go out but wanted her to want to go out. Be Bella again. I wanted that too. He wanted her to switch schools. Go to Jacksonville. She refused and said it would screw everything up. I knew the real reason behind it. Although I hoped I was wrong. I wondered how far into the future this was. Was it just a few days? I hoped. I hoped she would move on in a few months be better, get over me. Move on._

"_You're a good student, you'll figure it out." _

"_I don't want to crowd mom and Phil." she stated flatly._

"_Your mothers been dying to have you back." _

"_Florida is to hot." since when did she like the cold? _

_His fist came down on the table again._

"_We both know what's really going on here. Bella and its not good for you." he took a deep breath. "It's been months, no calls, no letters, no contact. You cant keep waiting for him." _

_Months? It had been months? I left her and months later she looked like this? My heart wrenched. I fell to the side and wrapped my arms around my knees pulling them up closer to my face. Burring my face in them. I was a horrible creature, I was a monster._

"_I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything!" she said. But I saw the truth behind her eyes. She was waiting. Months later and she was still waiting. Waiting for me to return to her._

"_Alice, please."_

"_You put this on yourself!"_

"_I know, but its for the best, you'll.." she cut me off._

"_No Edward, I will never see! I will never understand and neither will she. For the rest of her mortal life she will wait for you. Hurt, confused, broken. What was the word? Oh right, lifeless!" _

_I still didn't look up. I didn't move, my face was buried in my hands. Dry sobs shook me to my core._

"_As long as she suffers I will make you suffer, show you the hurt and the pain you have caused her!" _

"_At least she's alive Alice." I whispered through my sobs._

"_She would have been alive either way! Edward if you would just give her what she wanted, what we all wanted, this wouldn't be happening. She would be safe!" _

"_Alice you know why I cant do that." _

"_Your not damned Edward. Although now id have to think twice about that. You're a monster for what you have done to Bella and I hope you do have a spot in hell!" _

"_So do I." I managed to choke out._

_She started to show me another vision. Before I could see anything…_

"_That's enough!" Esme shouted. Walking into the house. I still didn't look up. "Alice?" she questioned. _

"_He deserved it. He deserves to suffer along with her." _

"_And you think I'm not suffering? You think ever second every minute spent away from her is not pure heart wrenching agony? That standing here, not being able to hold her, see her, talk to her. Have any contact at all with her, is not killing me? Your wrong! This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire existence. This beats being changed, by a lot. That burning pain is nothing compared to what I feel now." I stood up, shaking, sobs still shaking my entire body. "I wish I could live in pure fire for the rest of my existence, if only to get rid of this pain I feel now. I ran up the stairs to find my room. Slamming the door behind me. Shutting the outside world out. Shutting everything out. I was nothing anymore. I had nothing there was nothing left to give. I was as lifeless as Bella. And I would be lifeless for the rest of Bella's mortal life. As long as she was living somewhere, then I would go on. But as soon as her mortal life ended I would find away to end my suffering. If not to be with her on the other side. Then at least to end the pain. _

_End it all._

_tried to breathe, but couldn't. Every thought that crossed my mind only caused more hurt. Even as I tried to think about how much better off Bella was without the danger my world posed, I found no comfort. As she moved forward with her life, mine ceased. There was nothing for me now, nothing…_

_My mind was made up. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't give them that week. I had to go, I had to go now. There was nothing left for me here. Nothing left for me anywhere. _

_I had only one thing left to do. After that I wouldn't know what to do. Victoria. I had to do this one last thing for Bella._

_It was the only thing I could do. To get my mind off. Even that I wasn't sure would work._

_I went over what I would need. I couldn't take a lot, just the essentials. _

_I heard a buzzing of thoughts from downstairs. Alice saw my decision. Suddenly there was a knock on my door._

_I opened it slowly._

'_I'm sorry, Edward… We love you… Please don't go' Esme's mind pleaded with me. _

"_You know I have to go. I'll keep in touch, I promise," I whispered. I looked behind her, as the rest of my family walked into the room. This was no longer my home, this was no longer my room. I didn't belong here anymore. I didn't belong anywhere. The only place I belonged, I couldn't be._

_She shook her head and walked forward hugging me. I slowly placed my arms around her and leaned my cheek on her forehead._

"_I'm sorry, but I have to."_

_Carlisle walked to me, and placed his arm on my shoulder, hugging me and Esme. _

'_is this the only way?' his thoughts filled my head. He studied my face, unable to hide his own sadness any longer._

_I tried to swallow the lump that filled my throat. His words were tempting me again. One more opportunity to turn back._

"_Yes, it is," I said firmly, looking away again. This was the only way._

"_Edward, I'm sorry." Alice said not looking at me._

"_Its not you Alice. I just I cant be here, not yet anyway. I just need to be alone."_

"_Where will you go dude?" Emmett said his voice was hoarse. Sadness over whelmed me, saying good bye to my family was almost as hard as saying goodbye to Bella._

"_I'm sorry Edward, but I cant stay in this room, your," he paused. "Emotions are just to much." that wasn't the word he was going to use, the sadness that came from me was killing him. I nodded at him. Still in Esme's clutches. She refused to let me go._

"_Where will you go? Our family is incomplete without you, Edward." Carlisle replied._

_My sadness was now mirrored in his eyes, and drove the pain into my chest again. I couldn't stay and torture them, too. _

"_I'm going to kill Victoria." The name changed part of the sadness to hate as I saw the red-head's face flash through my mother's mind. She was listening intently to my every word. "She cannot be allowed to pose a threat to anyone, let alone Bella. it's the last thing I can give her. She has to be safe. It will keep me occupied. I'll return I promise. Just as soon as I am finished with her."_

_Emmett studied my expression and briefly considered offering to come with me. Before I could protest he thought of Rosalie and changed his mind. He walked forward and put his hands on my shoulders. "If you need anything."_

"_I wont hesitate to ask." I smiled up at him. It was a forced smile but a smile none the less._

"_Please Edward." these words shocked me. Rose was begging me to stay. "Don't tear our family apart." she finally realized the love I had for Bella. And it was to late. She still hated her, still wished a horrible fate for herb ut she was sincere in wanting me to stay. I had to give her that._

"_I'll be back. I have to go I cant be here." _

"_There is no way to talk you out of this?" Carlisle asked._

"_None."_

"_Well then we have no choice. We have to do as you wish. We owe you that."_

"_You don't owe me anything."_

"_Be safe. Son." he replied._

"_Please come back Edward."_

"_Soon." Emmett added._

_They all said there goodbyes and left my room._

_I finished packing the one bag I would need. I quickly ran to the computer. Searching for anything, something to point me in the right direction._

_Finally I found it._

_A bunch of campers were attacked and killed. They thought it was an animal. I knew better._

_Victoria, was hunting._

_I took one last look at the room. This was not my room. It held no sentimental value, no feeling, it didn't feel safe, or warm. It didn't feel comfortable. _

_I knew nothing and nowhere, no matter how far I went or where I went. Nothing would be the same, nothing with have that feeling, that feeling of warmth, the feeling of home again. I had no home._

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	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:**

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**Tell me what you think.**

**Chapter 8: Right thing**

There are moments in your life that stand out from the rest, I could name two. Meeting Isabella Marie Swan. And leaving her forever. The most joyous moment in my life, and also the most painful.

There are moments that you experience every second and it feels like minutes. Every minute feels like hours, and the hours drag on to years. And then you realize. Its only been a matter of a few seconds. And you feel that sharp pain all over again.

Moments you live through seem to last forever, there more vibrant, and yet at the same time. The moments are just slipping away through your finger tips. It feels like your loosing everything and your powerless to stop it. Its all slipping through your finger tips, like grains of sand. And you can do nothing to keep it there. You try and you try, but its hopeless. You end up losing it all. Although really you've already lost it, you just haven't excepted it yet. Your in denial.

I walked away from her, I walked away from Bella. And in that instant, I became a shell. A empty void of the person I used to be. I walked away. Leaving everything behind me. Leaving Edward Cullen behind. I was no longer Edward Cullen, I didn't know who I was.

Thousands of times, in the few seconds that it took me to put nearly a mile between us, I wanted to turn around and drive straight back. I could feel my joints preparing for the one fluid movement it would take me to spin and be hurtling in the opposite direction. It would've been so simple to just reappear and wipe away the flowing tears that fell. I had to control myself. It had been a few days and yet, it felt like forever.

I had left Bella, my one and only love behind me. I had left my family. I had no choice. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't put them through this. My pain was that of my own. My own pain, it was my own fault. I had nothing, and no one. I was alone.

I was on a mission. I had to stay strong, I had to stay occupied, distracted.

That word, that one single word brought back a slew of memories. The worst memory of all. Loosing my love. Walking away from Bella.

'Don't worry. You're human your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.' I told her.

'And your memories?' after everything, she had still cared about me, still worried.

'Well…I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted.'

Distracted, that was the word I had used. I slightly hoped Alice's vision in a few months would change. But I knew better than to bet against Alice. But I could still hope right?

I sighed, knowing I had done the hardest most single life altering, painful thing I had ever done, and will ever do in all of my existence.

In that one small moment of doing the right thing, it caused me the greatest loss I had ever experienced.

I was doing the right thing, I was a monster there was no other way.

I tried to convince myself. I told myself over the last few days countless times. This was what was right. And yet some how I couldn't make it sound true. The truth was there, but the reasons, there was other things, drastic things, but I couldn't think of them. I did the only true and right thing.

I had to hunt I couldn't sit here in this hotel room and contemplate any longer. I needed to get out.

I hurtled through the forests faster than I could ever recall going before, with no sense of purpose or direction. It didn't matter anyway. I had to remind myself all my things were back at the room. Half of me didn't care it just wanted to run, run fast and far away. Just run. Now that I had run away from the one thing that mattered, what was there left to run towards?

I stopped dead in my tracks, there was an opening in the forest. It was a meadow. Not the same meadow from my memories. But it was close enough to bring all that pain back to the surface.

The painful memories of that day flooded back, knocking me down in every literal sense. I sat my knees pulled up to my chin, sobs shook me.

The rain was pouring, when did it start raining? Had I missed that fact?

The rain fell staining my face were tears, as I sat crumpled wishing to be normal. The vision of her face, flushed and warmed by the sun as she beckoned me farther into the warmth, curious rather than frightened of what I was, taunted me. Calling me home.

No, I had no home. Bella was my home, I no longer had her.

You can still go back. My heart repeated itself loudly. There has to be another. My mind over powered it, the thought of Bella being hurt or killed, or worse becoming immortal was almost as much torture. Almost

Then again, how did I really know?

I could go back.

No I mustn't.

Suddenly my phone went buzzed in my pocket. I knew I should have gotten rid of it. But it made my mother feel better knowing she could contact me if she needed me. And vise versa. Although the latter of it never happen. I didn't want to talk to them, I only wanted to talk to one person, the one person I couldn't. That didn't stop them from calling though.

"Yes?" I responded as I flipped my phone open.

"Edward." Esme said on the other line. I half expected it to be Alice. She had called every day since I left. Trying to convince me to come back. To go back to Bella. At least come back to them.

"Hi." it was the only thing I could come up with. Hi, how trivial. How human.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine."

"Please don't lie to me."

"I'm as fine as I am going to be." I clarified.

"I don't like this. I don't like you running off alone hunting down Victoria. Your not a tracker, your not even a hunter."

"Is this because you want me to come back. Or your worried?"

"Both, do I need a reason to want to see you? Help you, shield you from this."

"You can't shield me from my own pain. I'm sorry."

"Edward, you have changed so much for the better. Please there has to be another way. Bella has changed your life so much. You have been so happy. You have been so full of life. I don't think I can bare it if you torture your self like this. Please Edward she needs you as much as you need her."

"I don't.." I couldn't even finish, I did need her. Why lie.

"You do."

"I have to go, I'm sorry, I'll call soon, promise. I love you bye." and I hung up.

My head felt like it was going to explode if it fought with itself any harder. I wanted to hate myself for wasting the chance I had been given at happiness. I wanted to mourn what I had lost. I wanted to hope that a solution would present itself after all. And most disturbingly of all, a small part of me wanted to destroy it. Just end all of this suffering right now. Get it over and done with.

A pure and perverse instinct wanted me to manifest the pain I was feeling in any physical way. It wanted me to rip something to shreds just because I was able to.

I couldn't control the rage that was inside of my head. The pent up anger with myself. This was my fault plan and simple no one was to blame but me.

I yelled, and threw my fist directly through the first tree I met hoping to release some of the horribly intense emotions I was feeling.

In a matter of seconds I had efficiently turned the innocent tree into sawdust and I was moving onto its neighbor when I heard the incessant buzzing of my phone again.

I froze in place, one hand raised half way to impacting with the doomed oak and the other curled just as tightly ready to follow the blow through. I slowly uncurled my fists and lowered my hands to my sides.

I fell forward, onto my hands and knees and began to sob. It had been just a few days, and I still could not control the heart wrenching agony of it all. Is it better to of loved and lost, than to never of loved at all?

I say never to love at all. If this is what it feels like to loose the one you love. Than I'm sorry ill take being lonely any day. Cause in the end your lonely either way.

I was a monster, I had destroyed everything, because of what I am. Why was I being punished. I knew I was destined to be with Bella. I knew I was made to love her. If this is what was planned, I was planned to loose her in the end. Then why give me that small taste of heaven just to rip it from my grasp? I was being punished for being a monster.

I tree killing monster. I looked down at the shards from the tree.

This was what I was. I was a reckless force of nature, unnatural in everyway. I was a perfect machine with no possible function. I was doomed and damned in every sense and no amount of repentance would preserve me.

I loved her and she loved me.

Buzz buzz. My phone wouldn't stop. I reached in my pocket and in one fluid movement turned it off. I couldn't deal with them right now. I loved them, but my love for Bella was stronger. I had to go back. What if she did something stupid.

'Take care of yourself.' I reminded her. I told her to be safe. Take care of her self. She would listen, I knew she would. If not for me for Charlie. She would be fine, there was no need for me. She had to move on. I had to let her move on.

I love you Bella. Those 4 words broke me. I felt my will break into pieces. I knew if I didn't stop thinking about this I would run back to her, grab her in my arms and take back all those blasphemous lies I had fed her; call my family to come home; and keep her in danger to keep her close. That wasn't fair, she had to live a normal happy human life. I owed her that much.

I loved Bella so much, I would be miserable for the rest of my existence just to keep her safe. Difference between right and wrong. I had to do the right thing, I had to stay away from my love. Forever.

I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the dark night sky.

Every second that we had ever been together began to play in my head like a movie.

"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?"

"Ladies first, partner?"

"I want to know the truth. I want to know why I'm lying for you."

"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you Bella."

"I have a theory about that..."

"and so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

"I love you, Edward."

From beginning to end. And I knew the movie would never stop. It would reply in my mind over and over again until the day I no longer walked this earth.

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	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**

**First I would like to give a BIG THANK YOU to:**

**Oceanluvr**

**Twiharder8**

**Princess britny**

**For there never failing reviews, in almost every chapter.. Its reviewers like them that make me want to keep writing this story.. I have a lot of alerts and favs for this story, but they review all the time.. So thank you!!!! **

**Now hopefully I can get more reviews!! There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

**Review review please and thank you!!!**

**Tell me what you think.**

Chapter 9: Passing of Time

I walked slowly back to my room.

I was set in my decision. I had to find the one threat that still plagued Bella. Victoria.

I would get a car tomorrow. A fast one.

The one last thing I could give her.

I could no longer give her anything, not that she took anything I would have offered her. She was set her ways. She would refuse anything I gave her. Even though I wanted to spoil her rotten, treat her like the queen she was. She wouldn't allow it.

I laughed at the sudden memory, then shook it away fiercely.

Maybe it wasn't even that I had to do it for Bella. I just had to do something period.

A distraction.

My body wouldn't move any faster. It was like snail speed.

Each step I took, was another step further away from Bella. Each step was harder than the last. It was as if I was stuck in quick sand, each step, each movement, It just kept sucking me in deeper and further. My entire being was fighting, wanted to turn and go back, climb into her window drop to my knees and grab her in my arms. Beg for forgiveness.

Oh how I wanted to hear her voice, her laugh, smell her sweet scent, see her beautiful face, feel her warmth against me. This was punishment, for all my sins. It had to be.

But no, I couldn't think that way. I couldn't return. It wasn't safe for her. that's all that mattered now was her safety. I had to stay away this was my punishment.

But my punishment meant nothing compared to what she'd been put through in the past eight months. The danger and the pain she had went through. No, I had to keep going. One more step, just keep telling myself one more. For the rest of my life.

I got back to the hotel after what felt like forever. I sighed, knowing that this would be my existence. Every day, every hour, every second, would be excruciating and painful as the next. I just hoped it would fade. With time.

I knew better. I knew my memories of Bella, everything, would be as fresh as it was the day it happen. The memories would linger in my mind for the rest of time. The rest of my existence.

All I could hope was that in time, I would be able to cope, be able to deal with the pain.

Pain was a part of life after all, right?

I collapsed onto the dirty old hotel room bed.

Oh how I wished I could sleep, forget about the real world the pain, if only just for a few hours. Then again, if I could sleep, I could dream. And my dreams were no longer that, they were nightmares.

Victoria, was all I could concentrate on. My distraction, my new obsession.

I let my mind wonder to the flaming red of her hair, I began to wonder what had happened to her. She was after all In line with James' and he had been dealt with. There was nothing left to fear, and yet, she had been his accomplice. So there was still a danger. She hadn't been the one to harm Bella, but she had been the reason, she had helped. Somewhere out there was Victoria. She was alive, she was still capable of harming Bella, but not for long.

I had to make sure justice was served. I had to make sure the last danger to my, I shook the thought way. The last danger that threatened Bella had to be illuminated.

But how? How could I do it, I didn't know where she was.

I thought for a while. Where would she be, where would she go now that she had no one. I had never tracked our kind before, at least not in this way. How did I go about it? Was it really that hard? I had looked into James' mind. It had seemed simple. He however had a knack for it. He had the talent for it. He loved it. Ti was all a game to him.

Would it be that simple to me? Would I be able to find it?

I had to try.

I began to rack my brain, for anything at all. Any thing that would help.

A worthy project, that would somehow feed my urge to protect the girl that I love and distract me for my other needs.

I could never think of the other needs. They were forbidden and no matter how hard they wished for me to answer their call, I would push them aside. I had no other choice.

I would not…I could not return to Bella.

How would I find her? Then it occurred to me, but would she help?

I reached into my pocket, and pulled out my phone.

I turned it on, and held it in my hand. Waiting. Debating whether or not..

But my answer came before I even know what I was going to do.

The phone buzzed in my hand, startling me.

I answered it.

"I can help you."

"I don't want help Alice."

"Yes you do."

"Alice, I don't…"

"Edward, I didn't call to tell you I wanted to come help you. But I can help you here."

"You know?"

"I do."

"Alice."

"Don't, no thanks are needed. I just hope after you do this stupid thing of yours you'll wake up and realize what you really want, and go back."

"Alice. Its never going to happen, I cant go back." I felt the anger rise up again.

"I don't want to fight." she replied. "But I also wanted to tell you that while your doing your little investigation, ill be doing a bit of my own."

"What do you mean?"

"Well the house isn't the same anymore. No one is happy, were all miserable with out you. No one want is the same. Rose and Emmett left."

"What?" shock over whelmed me, I didn't think that me leaving would cause them to all leave.

"Vacation." she just stated. But I knew we both knew better. It was more than that.

"And what will you be doing?"

"I want to find out more about, well me."

"Oh." that was a shock all its own to. "What about Jasper?"

"He understands, he'll help when he can and when I need it. But I think its something I have to do alone for now."

The last words she said to me was Nebraska city. And then she hung up.

She probably knew I would try to keep her from trying to find out more about her. It was dangerous. But I couldn't think of that right now.

Nebraska. I could be there in a few days.

The next few days passed as I was on my way to find Victoria, I had gotten a car. A new ford mustang, KR addition. It was fast. Most guys would see a car like this as a nice distraction. For me, it was just a fast way to get where I was going.

I had never paid a great deal of attention to the passing of time before, but for the first time, I noticed that when you wait for something to happen, anything, time crawls. It seemed to take forever to cross out the days and turn over the calendar pages and yet, it wasn't long enough.

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	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:**

**First I would like to give a BIG THANK YOU to:**

**Oceanluvr**

**Twiharder8**

**Princess britny**

**For there never failing reviews, in almost every chapter.. Its reviewers like them that make me want to keep writing this story.. I have a lot of alerts and favs for this story, but they review all the time.. So thank you!!!! **

**Now hopefully I can get more reviews!! There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

**SECOND!! SOOO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT BETWEEN UPDATES. I WAS HAVING SOME COMPUTER PROBLEMS!! Damn virus… so have you ever heard of xp police antivirus.. Yeah that's what I got, it was some stupid spy ware thing that looked like a antivirus program, but I had no clue how it got on my computer it downloaded itself trying to get $$ from me to delete the fake stuff it said I had lol.. Needless to say it made my computer run slow. And actually stop working and it would freeze on the start up and wouldn't load any of my icons or let me click to get onto the start menu or internet I was very sad lol.. ****L**** but I am back now so updates will come more often like usual..**

**Review review please and thank you!!!**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Chapter 10: My Future**

Time was at a stand still, or so it felt. Here I stood, in another old hotel room. Contemplating my attack. I had almost caught her once. Victoria knew I was on her trail. She would not escape me again. I had come so close. For months now I had tracked her. I looked down at a calendar on the desk.

Months? Had it only really been a few months? It had felt longer. Years maybe. But not months.

Months, only months since I left her, I did the right thing; _We_ did the right thing. Being as far away from her as possible would be the best thing for her; for me and yet, it was as though I were being torn apart by ravage ferocious mountain lions. I had hoped that with every State that I passed through, the distance would bring with it some form of peace. I didn't expect much, just a _little_, just _enough_ to exist in this hollow body. There was no peace, only a desperate struggle, as every one of my senses and the core of my being knew that I was leaving her behind, leaving me further behind. There was no other way to look at it; she owned me, every part of me. In leaving her, I left myself behind. I would let her keep me. It was better to live this pitiful existence than to endanger her further. I had brought so much danger into her life. I would no longer do that to her, she deserved better. Better than that, better than this, better than anything I could give her. She deserved better than me, a monster.

I always heard and read about heart break. Read stories of the broken hearted, the hurt and forgotten. But never in all of my existence did I think that it this painful. Literally it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest. Broken into a million piecies, and left shattered and lifeless on the ground. Lifeless and alone just like the vessel in which it lived in. Bella had done that she had awakened my once dead heart. Made it feel like it had life again. A reason a purpose in this lonely vicious world. Then I destroyed it.

In reality it was destroyed before it even started. Just because of what I was. What we were. The monsters that go bump in the night were not meant for the real world. We were meant for fairy tales and horror movies. Fictional characters in a once popular book. But no, not real life. And defiantly not meant for love.

I knew I felt like I had died. I was no longer living, just existing. I knew the truth though. I couldn't die, not yet; not while I knew that somewhere, she was still breathing, somewhere she was happy. She had moved on. A few months had passed, she had to have been better than I saw in Alice's vision. Then again, one was from a few months later. Hopefully that future had changed. for me I would never again love, or be loved. I would no longer be the Edward everyone knew, that Edward had died. He had been killed the second I walked away. But then again what were another eighty or so years? A blink of an eye.

The blink of an eye seemed like an age, as the stabbing hurt struck me. I imagined her with another, happily married and with children. A husband and family of her own, all the things that I could _never_ give her.

I had never deserved her. She was so willing to sacrifice everything, sacrifice her very life for me. Just to be with me forever. I deserved none of it. I had been bad for her, in every way possible. I chose to put myself in her life. I left a gaping hole in her heart, I knew it. Although I would never admit it. I knew I had broken her. But I knew, I had to have hope that she would get over me in time. Move on. Live to love another day. Another person. A human. Some one she deserved.

A few months, she had to have moved on. Shes happy now. Forgotten all about me. Human memories fade, diminish in time. As would I in her life. I would soon be forgotten. Although Bella would live in my heart and my mind forever. And I welcomed it. I would never forget about Bella. Even if I could. I knew I wouldn't want to.

How is it, after all of it. Even now in this painful, agonizing shell of my former self. I don't even regret it, not one bit. Allowing myself to pursue her, love her. And allow her to love me. Falling so fast and so hard for each other that it was irrevocable. I didn't regret it. I couldn't.

There were no words to describe the pain and the void in my chest. Where my heart once was. It proved I had loved and been loved. A monster like me. Who would of thought. Love, and be loved.

For only love can leave such a gaping, festering wound. Wounds that either heal with the passing of time, or don't, but they _always _scar.

She would be left with a scar and as the years passed; it would fade to a small, barely decipherable mark; not for me. This wound was not meant to heal, the pain would never fade away and time would not erase what had passed. A part of me wondered if it ever could. If I let it. If I tried? No, I wouldn't. I had wanted it so much, I still want it. I would never forget, never let the pain go away. It was all I had left. The unbearable pain I felt. Was all I had left of Bella. All that I could ever have. It would remind me of what once was. The love we shared. And also the reason why it had to come to an end.

Unable to forget, forbidden to remember. That was my future.

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	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:**

**First I would like to give a BIG THANK YOU to:**

**Oceanluvr**

**Twiharder8**

**Princess britny**

**For there never failing reviews, in almost every chapter.. Its reviewers like them that make me want to keep writing this story.. I have a lot of alerts and favs for this story, but they review all the time.. **

**Also my new reviewers..**

Manatee7

charvie

**So thank you!!!! **

**Now hopefully I can get more reviews!! There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

**Review review please and thank you!!!**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Chapter 11: Breaking Point**

Failure it's a part of life , right? Even an immortal one. I had failed. Victoria had escaped, again. She had snuck past me, through my hands like sand. The trail I had followed was gone. It was dark when I stood at the edge of a lake, far in the woods. where Victoria's scent had disappeared. She had obviously known that I had been following her and now, she was well and truly rid of me. I had circled the lake more than once, even twice. Nothing, not one single scent. I even stooped to looking in the lake. Shows what a sucker I was.

I had successfully followed her for a while, but I was always several steps behind. New to tracking.

I was very slow, and spent to long in one place, going over every possible thing, ever turn out every possible out come, every possible escape. I spent to long looking at everything over analyzing it all, and as a result she was always just out of reach, like she was teasing me, like she knew I was there, she knew I was behind her. And she just liked toying with me.

She was always one step ahead, and now she was gone.

What a pathetic attempt, what a waste of the last few months! I had followed her, tracked her, all for nothing.

She had tricked me, I thought I was on her tail. Reality I was so far off, she had led me in the wrong direction. Now I had no idea where she was. I tried to ask Alice. But I didn't know where she was. Her phone was off.

When she finally did call me, all she said was she couldn't tell where she was heading, or where she was. Just glimpse of things here and there, trees, a lake, dead body, but nothing concrete, nothing to lead me in the right direction.

So I was stuck, stuck again in my own personal agonizing hell.

The game was over. She had won and my distraction was no more.

Broken hearts, I didn't think the word was so literal till now. I felt so broken.

Nothing was left of me, I was empty. A shell of my former self. Lifeless, and dead.

I had to find something to take my mind away from it all. Numb the pain just a little make it bearable.

Maybe I would go see Tanya in Alaska. But would that be to close? Would I be able to handle not going to see her? Check up on her?

My phone buzzed in my pocket.. I hesitated to open it at first.. Then I flipped it open quickly not recognizing the number, but the same not caring.

"Don't."

"Alice?" my voice croaked. I hadn't realized how little I had talked to anyone for a while. I cleared my throat. "Don't what?"

"You wont be able to resist going, and if you go check on her you wont leave her again." she paused, anger still coated her words. "I don't know why I am telling you this maybe because I know if you do, you'll make everyone else even more miserable than we already are with out her."

"Alice." I didn't know what to say, Alice saw me going, saw me staying, it was what she wanted since we left. To go back, grab Bella and plead for forgiveness. Why tell warn me not to do the very thing she wanted, the very thing my entire being ached and pleaded for.

"Where are you? What are you doing?" I decided to change the subject entirely. Stray from something far away from Bella.

Click.

The line went dead.

Alice was gone.

My subconscious suddenly brought a wave of memories to the surface. That first day in the biology classroom, that heart-wrenching night in Port Angeles, our pivotal few hours in our meadow, holding Bella close as she cried about the love lost in "Romeo and Juliet." and the end. Her face held an expression that would haunt me for the rest of eternity. My heart ached to remember that. I pushed it away.

I was the lion and she was the lamb, she was my prey.

It's for Bella's own good, I reminded myself, And you promised it will be as though you never existed to her! My own words played back in my mind, each syllable causing me physical pain deep in my chest. Suddenly, I felt my legs crumple beneath me, knees landing on the moist dirt of the hotel room floor.

I shook it off, and stood up.

I was caught once again my the agonizing pain in my chest. I crumpled onto the bed and pulled the pillow close to my body. Hugging it, preying for it to take the pain from my body.

This pain was unbearable. Worse than my transformation, or all my years of loneliness. But in retrospect, what was it, really? In comparison to Bella's happiness? Her safety was worth a lifetime of this. Yes it was. There was no question.

I mean this was bound to happen sooner or later. It wasn't natural for humans to be so close, to close. to the immortal, to their instinctive killers. Perhaps Bella wasn't a danger magnet, but rather someone who simply ran with the wrong crowd.

It wouldn't be long before Bella was back along the path she was meant to take; the path destiny had set out before her. She would move on, graduate, go to college, fall in love, and start a family. That was how it should be. That was what mortals what humans were supposed to do. They were not supposed to be or even deal with the things that nightmares are made of. Monsters should be left there, in the darkness of there dreams.

Bella should be a human and experience everything I could never hope to offer her. I didn't doubt that she was in love with me, it was written on her face every time our eyes met, but I wasn't foolish enough to think she wouldn't recover. She would move on. She had to move on. In time, I would just be a faint memory. If anything at all.

Right?

Yes, I had to believe she would move on.

I couldn't keep thinking of her, I had to find a distraction. Go visit tanya, but I knew Alice was right. I would not leave again. I couldn't not after knowing how it would feel. I needed something to take my mind off of Bella.

I knew If I couldn't find another distraction, and soon. I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore; the pain, the suffering, the ache, the missing her every second of every day. I couldn't handle it.

The memories I had of her were all to perfect, they were all so real. Except one. The one that haunted me day in and day out. I tried to think of the good with Bella. And all I got was the very last look on her face. The emptiness as she looked at me, It was as if I could hear and feel her very own heart break. Just as mine did.

I couldn't do it, I could not live like this. This was my breaking point, I had nothing left. I couldn't anymore. Alice was right about one thing, I would not leave again.

I needed to see her again. I needed to hear her voice, feel her touch, tell her that I love her, erasing all memory of the past few months and claim her once again as my own. I needed to hear her say that she still loved me. How terribly selfish was I that even though I left her, a part of me hoped that her love for me would never die; but I did. I wanted her, I needed her and I could not carry on this way.

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	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**

**First I would like to give a BIG THANK YOU to:**

**Oceanluvr**

**Twiharder8**

**Princess britny**

**For there never failing reviews, in almost every chapter.. Its reviewers like them that make me want to keep writing this story.. I have a lot of alerts and favs for this story, but they review all the time.. **

**Also my new reviewers..**

Manatee7

charvie

**So thank you!!!! **

**Now hopefully I can get more reviews!! There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

**Review review please and thank you!!!**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Chapter 12: Price**

I as in my car, as quick as a flash. Heading back to forks, heading back to my life, back home.

Bella, my love. I had to go back right? She needed me just as much as I needed her. Alice's vision had proved that the very same day I had left her. Why didn't I see it and except it then? Why had I been so stubborn to keep myself my own personal hell. In this vague state of emptiness.

I was punishing myself. Punishment for being a monster. But Bella didn't see me that way. Bella never saw me as the ugly monstrous creature that I really was. She had loved me for me, monster and all. Why couldn't I see it sooner.

This wasn't my life, this wasn't my future. My future was with Bella for the next how ever many years god allowed me to have her. I would not change her. If only she could except the fact she would grow old. But grow old with me.

I knew this would be hard, this would be difficult. I would need to prove and beg for forgiveness get on my knees and plead.

What if she didn't want me back? What if she couldn't forgive me? What if I was wrong? Wrong about everything?

What if she was happy? She had moved on. She had found some one else.

Would I be able to handle that?

No.

No, this wasn't going to work.

I slammed on the breaks and jerked the steering wheel around and started driving further away from forks.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't rip her from her happiness again. It had been to long. She had found some one else. Moved on.

What was I thinking?

I was thinking that I love Bella, and my life without her isn't a life at all. Its not a life I want. I need Bella in my life. Whether it be more than friend. I just need her. Need to see her, touch her, hear her.

Again the steering wheel was jerked around and I had just made a complete ridiculas circle.

I needed Bella, and Bella needed me. I was sure of it.

wasn't I?

What if she didn't want me?

My memories took me back, to the day in the forest. Her reaction to my leaving. Her face. She had died that day. Just as I had.

But she had believed me. She had believed the most vicious lie.

How long had it been? I thought for a minute. About six months. It had been six months.

That wasn't very long to me, but for Bella. That would have felt like ages.

It was a very long time.

Enough time to move on. I slammed on the breaks and pulled over to the side of the road.

Could I honestly hope that she had been there all this time, just sulking, mourning me. Mourning the loss of me. Going through the motions, but other wise dead. Did I honestly hope that she had waited? I saw it, a vision of Bella walking to her window every night making sure I wasn't waiting for her to let me in. glancing at the table at lunch.

Waiting outside her class every day, for some one who would never come?

A small part of me smiled at that, wished that, it was true. Wished that she had closed of her heart from everyone around her, and only waited and wanted me. That part of her would always miss and love me. If only just a small part.

But the dark vision crept into my mind.

What if she had found someone new? What would I do?

Would I simply return and expect her to give it all up for me? Of course not. I knew deep down I was not right for her. But I also knew I would never find another like Bella. As long as she was happy that was all that mattered. Whether that happiness be with me or not.

I would go back, see her. I would watch her for a while. It would be torture, but it would be better than nothing. I would want to reach out touch her, talk to her. Torturous not to be able to. But I had to make sure she was ok.

And then, if she seemed happy…I would leave. Who was I to interfere with her happiness?

But… what if she _didn't_ look happy? Would I allow my presece to be known. Would I let her know I was there. Would I walk up to her one day and watch her look as if she had seen a ghost? Would I try to reclaim what I had lost? Would I plead with her, make her forgive me? Did I deserve it?

Whether I deserved forgivness or not didn't matter to me. All that mattered was that I would do anything to win her back. I would do what ever it took. If it took the rest of her life I would do it.

I wanted her and needed her so much. It was more powerful than the thirst. She was all that mattered. Everything else seemed insignificant compared to Bella. There was only her. Her and her alone.

My fear of rejection was strong - strong and understandable. I had hurt her incredibly…why would she ever _want_ me back? Never mind what Jasper had done…maybe after my actions, she now considered me a monster. Actions that had all been a lie… why had she believed the lie, but never believed in the truth of my feelings for her.

I already knew it was a fool's hope.

There would be a price to pay for what I had done…I just didn't know what it would be and thoughts of the unknown were becoming unbearable. Would I find her happy, living her life as I had told her, the way it was supposed to be? Would she have moved on, with some one else? Or would I find that she was like me, an empty shell.

There would be a price, but what price would I have to pay?

The sudden buzz of my phone shook me from my inner argument. I looked out the windshield into the darkness as I grabbed reached for my phone.

It had to be Alice. She had saw my plain of action. Whether she would warn me, yell at me for being an idiot in the first place, or just be happy to go home. I didn't know.

I flipped the phone open.

"Edward?" the voice was not who I had expected.

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	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:**

**First I would like to give a BIG THANK YOU to:**

**Oceanluvr**

**Twiharder8**

**Princess britny**

**For there never failing reviews, in almost every chapter.. Its reviewers like them that make me want to keep writing this story.. I have a lot of alerts and favs for this story, but they review all the time.. **

**Also my new reviewers..**

**Manatee7**

**charvie**

**theburk**

**Joeyleery**

**solemariecullen**

**So thank you!!!! **

**Now hopefully I can get more reviews!! There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

**Review review please and thank you!!!**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Chapter 13: Gone**

"What?" I growled as I put my head on the steering wheel. Rosalie was the last person I wanted to deal with right now. I had enough conflict in my head as it was. I didn't need any more.

"Come home!"

There was no question, no polite please come home. Just an order. I huffed in definance. Who was she to order me?

"She's dead Edward, just come back." her voice was softer.

I paused. Alice? What had happen, or Esme? Oh god, my family what had happen? Who was dead? You cant just say she's dead, and leave it like that. Who does that?

I lifted my head up quickly. Trying to calm myself. My body was beginning to tremble. Who else had I lost? First Bella, and now who.

"What do you mean? who?" I barely whispered.

She paused and didn't speak. First time rose had nothing to say.

"What?"

"Bella. There's nothing left for you out there. There's no reason to sulk." I couldn't even evaluate her voice, her speech, it was all just a buzz. That made no sense.

"What?"

"Alice just saw her jump off of a cliff."

I felt what little color was left in my face drain out. It was suddenly harder to swallow. My body was rigid, involuntary spasm of gasp erupt through my lungs as I tried to bring in air. Everything around me became a blur.

I closed my eyes as my entire being began to shake and tremble.

"What?" That seemed to be the only word I was capable of saying.

"Alice didn't see her resurface."

"No." it seemed like a good word. She was lying, she had to be.

"Listen Edward, she wasn't my favorite person in the world. I'm sorry I ever hated Bella. I wish I could have stopped her. I realize how much you love her and I wish that this never happened. But it doesn't change the fact."

"No." I insisted again.

"Edward! Bella. Bella is dead. She jumped off a cliff. Alice saw it, she's on here way to make sure Charlie is ok." She paused. "So there is no reason for you to be off somewhere sulking. Come back, the others need you," she insisted.

I couldn't hear it, I couldn't no. it must be a lie.

I shut the phone. Of course, I knew that Bella wouldn't live forever, but this was so soon. Too soon. This couldn't be. Was she so depressed by my departure to want to commit suicide? No, I was giving myself too much credit. It must have been something else. This had to be cruel lie.

I stared at the phone, heartbroken and tried to figuring out what to do. It couldn't be true, could it? I had to figure it out, and I had to know the truth.

I still held onto the phone, it was held tight in my hands that I was surprised it didn't crack under the pressure.

I dialed the number in less then a second, praying to god that Bella would answer and would be okay. She had to be ok. She had to, that was the whole point of me leaving. Was for her to live a long and happy life.

Rosalie's words couldn't be true. I couldn't allow them to be true. So why was I phoning the house? To hear her voice? To hear the truth for myself? Why on earth would I believe my sister?

Because in the deepest, darkest pit of my heart, I wondered if this was what I deserved.

"Hello?" I heard someone say into the phone and I opened my mouth to speak but froze. I need to figure out if she was okay. I had made a promise to her and myself that to her, I would no longer exist. I had to think quick. If she as happy and moved on I couldn't let my presence be known.

"Hello, this is Carlisle Cullen, I'm sorry to call but is Charlie there."

"No." I could tell by their tone that they were annoyed at me but I didn't care, I just need to know if Bella was okay.

"Do you know where he is?" I asked quickly, closing my eyes and praying for some sign that Bella was okay.

"He's at the funeral." It took less than a second for the words to sink in. That was all I needed to hear.

And I felt myself crumble. I wished I was human, just so I could actually cry. Cry for Bella. Cry for my loss.

I shut the phone once again and let out a strangled moan. My chest suddenly felt hollow and everything was a haze.

A cold so intense passed through my entire being. It sucked away every ounce of life, every ounce of my being, every ounce of hope and took it away…it took my reason to exist.

Rosalie had been right. My life had ended completely

I glanced outside at the darkness. It had began to rain sometime between Rosalie and now.

It seemed as if the rain had been waiting for this moment. To fill the area with the pain my heart provided. I stepped out of my car slowly shutting the door behind me.

I looked up at the sky. The moon glistened off my marble skin.

This was what I deserved.

I fell to the ground, running and tugging at my hair, sobs racked in my throat finally pushed there way out and echoed through the dark open space.

_Everything _was _over_.

There was nothing left at all.

I literally had nothing left.

The only reason for my existence was that Bella was alive and well some where.

And now, it was over, her life had ended. And so had mine.

Now, it could all end…

I would soon join her, or least pray that I could. In a place, where nothing would ever tear us apart again.

Carlisle's theory of an afterlife for our kind still seemed like something beyond any of our reach, especially for me, but if there was ever a time to wish it were true, it was now. If there was ever a moment to believe, that time was now. I had to believe there was something. That some way I could be with Bella again.

There was no question as to what I was going to do. My decision had been made a long time ago. All I had to do was say the words.

Everything suddenly flooded my mind.

'do I dazzle you?'

'frequently' she smiled at me.

'you are my life now'

The day the van came toward her.

Our first dinner together.

It was all over.

It was funny really. I had left to protect her but she still died. I released a bitter laugh.

As I gathered myself from the ground.

I looked up at the night sky as I opened the car door.

The rain splattered onto my face. Giving me the tears I so desperately wanted to shed.

The rain drops rain down my cheeks, this was it. This was far worse than any pain I had ever felt before. And I thought leaving her was the worst. I laughed at the irony in it. I had left to protect her, protect her from the monster, protect her so she couldn't get hurt again. So she wouldn't end up dead. And in the end, I had still lost her. I grabbed at my chest, the pain was unbearable. It was as if my chest was being ripped apart by ravenous wolves.

"Was this what you wanted? Is this my punishment?" I shouted into the heavens. "Then punish me! Leave Bella alone. I sacrificed my happiness, my life for her to live hers. Why?" I screamed. And collapsed yet again to the ground. I laid my head on the inside of my car door.

"I am a monster. I deserve this pain, but Bella? Why Bella." I whispered.

The thought of her dead tore me up. I released an agonized scream before completely crumbling onto the floor, burying my face in my arms.

The rain was beginning to soak through to my skin.

It all replayed in my head again.

I remember the conversation Bella and I shared that night as we watched Romeo and Juliet. I didn't know it then. didn't believe or want to except it then. But the plan I had come up with was coming in handy now.

I jumped up, determined.

I looked up to the heavens once more.

"Bella, I know I couldn't protect you and I am so sorry. For everything. I broke my promise. I hope you can forgive me. But maybe I can protect you now, In the afterlife. I love you. I promise I will find a way."

The rain soaked me, but with the image of Bella's lifeless body burned in my mind I knew what I had to do. Her fate had happened, and it was time for mine.

I raced to the nearest airport.

I asked the clerk for the first ticket to Italy. I was in luck. There was a direct flight leaving in an hour and there were a few seats left.

After paying for my ticket, I raced outside and threw my phone into the nearest trashcan. It wasn't as though I would need it ever again. I didn't think to phone the others. I didn't think at all. My heart and head only had room for one last act. Reaching the terminal in speeds not humanly possible. I didn't care anymore, nothing else mattered. It was over either way. I had nothing left. Bella was gone. She was gone from this earth, and soon I will be to.

I sat down and allowed myself to think of nothing but her. From now on, that was all I would do, until the moment that the Volturi granted my wish for death.

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	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:**

**There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

**Review review please and thank you!!!**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Chapter 14: Truly Amazing**

On the plane, I planned and thought. I would go straight to Aro and ask him to get rid of me. It was the only thing I could do.

Aro wouldn't want to. He'd think it was a waste. He'd been wanting me to join the Volturi guard for quite some time now. I had a special talent that Aro thought was very useful, and powerful. That was what he cared about, power. If you had power, you had everything. He had a knack for collecting various 'talents'.

My talent was not the only one like it out there. He would just have to do with out. I would not and could not go on, knowing Bella was no longer here.

Bella was gone. My love, my life, everything was gone.

I thought about Bella every minute of every day and still it was not enough. It had not been long enough.

I laughed silently. It was funny.

Ironic actually. I was about to give up and beg her to take me back before she decided to take her own life. Pain shot through my whole body again and it was hard to stay in my seat.

I sighed and looked out the window. What about my family, I still had them.

No, it wasn't enough. I couldn't put them through the pain and misery I feel. They would see it. Poor Jasper I would probably kill him.

I hoped they knew there was nothing they could do. I hoped they didn't try to stop me. Nothing any of them could say would ruin my plans, get me to change my mind.

I prayed that they would see there was no hope to save me, I was already gone.

I sighed again, knowing they would still try. Try and fail.

My mind was blank for quite some time. Nothing but pain and agony, replaying my life with Bella over and over again, until I couldn't take it anymore.

I huffed and wiped my face with my hands.

What if he Aro said no? Refused to take my life. What then? What would I do? What could I do? They were the Volturi. There was no disobeying them. Disobey and die.

And then it hit me, I would do something to expose them. Expose our kind, in there city. Hoist a car into the air. Throw a car. Something. I couldn't hurt anyone though. That just wasn't me.

I would ask first. It would be easier and faster that way. I didn't want my actions to cause any harm between Aro and the rest of my family.

As soon as the plane landed I was out and running toward the city. I had to do this, the pain was over whelming. I had lost Bella at first by my own choice, for the better. It was what was best for her. I only survived by knowing she was out there somewhere. And now, she was gone.

I was wondering how to ask. What would I say? I mean its not every day they get a suicidal vampire.

I figured it would be best to just come out and say it. No beating around the bush. The truth, always better.

I was inside before I could even think about it. There was no room for thinking anymore. I had to try to get to Bella. If only it was a fools hope, it was still hope.

I saw some of the guards walk down the corridor. I swiftly hid in the shadows around the corner.

Suddenly I was struck with a sharp pain that brought me to my knees. I fell over to the side. Writhing in pain. Suddenly it was over.

I opened my eyes slowly.

"Edward." Jane hissed through her teeth.

"Now, now Jane." Demitri sneered.

"What brings you here?" Felix asked.

"I need to speak to Aro." I paused. "Now." I was getting impatient.

"What business do you have with Aro?"

"Jane, its my business isn't it?" I replied.

"This way." Demitri pressed as he swept past me.

I followed closely behind, with Jane and Felix on my heals.

"Go in." Felix said as he pushed a wide door open.

In the dark room we passed a human receptionist. I was slightly saddened, I knew what they had in store for her when they no longer found her useful.

I was then forcefully escorted down a more brightly corridor to the grand hall.

Aro and his ancient brethren were all there. Along with there wives and guards.

Jane took her place. She turned and grinned at me maliciously.

"Edward." Aro said excitedly. "What brings you here? I hope all is well with Carlisle?"

"The rest of my family is fine and well."

"Please do tell Carlisle I said hello when you next see him." he replied.

I heard Caius growl grumpily in his head, he was confused as to why I was here.

"Aro, I must ask a favor of you. Something that I need done, as soon as possible. No time like the present." I tried to smile.

He stepped toward me instantly with a smile of his own.

"May I?" he raised his hand out in front of me.

I took a casual stone face that shown no emotion. I slowly stretched out my hand, and placed it on his.

Suddenly there was a rush of color, and everything moved rapidly in my head. Everything I had ever seen or thought. It was all getting sucked out of my head. I could honestly say my life was flashing before my eyes.

Everything was there, my human life, my transformation. My first years as a vampire, joining Carlisle's family. Everyone else joining also. Finally the last months with Bella. They were the worst, it was all more real seen this way. Seeing the memories brought on a more painful realization of what I had lost.

"Oh Edward." His tone was disapproving.

"You see my problem."

"Edward, you want to end your existence?" He sounded disappointed.

"Immediately," I repeated.

Some of the other vampires stirred where they stood, I blocked out the buzz of noise coming from them. Some were shocked and appalled, others were confused.

"Well, I was hoping you would join me. Join the guard instead." he paused as he released my hand from his grasp. "You would be a wonderful asset. Your talent! Truly amazing."

"I do not wish to join you Aro, I am sorry. Maybe if the circumstances were different, but I can not see my self existing with out her. It is all to much to handle."

"Truly amazing."

I was confused, I stopped, I just stood there staring at him, waiting for him to continue.

"Not only your talent of course. But the idea of a human and a vampire. Existing as one? In love none the less. I understand your way of life, but to be that close to a human? Truly amazing. To fall in love with one, and vise versa."

"You saw it all, as it happen Aro. You saw my pain."

"Yes, just its hard to fathom." he paused and lowered his head. "We really would loose a special asset. Wont you reconsider? Join the guard, you will be welcomed with open arms."

When I couldn't come up with a response, he turned away.

For what felt like ages, in reality it was only a few seconds. He turned toward me.

"We will discuss it." He said in a dark tone. He was truly disappointed.

I nodded and turned away and swiftly left the room.

From what I had got from his thoughts, I knew he didn't want to grant my wish. He saw it as a waste. Useless and disappointing, he wanted me to join the guard, to acquire my talent.

He thought the idea of ending my existence for some mere human was pointless. He didn't understand.

Sure enough he called me back in and they had come to the decision. They refused to do it. It was unnecessary and wasteful. Aro made the offer to become part of the guard again. I declined and turned away.

'Do not do anything rash, dear Edward." Aros thoughts entered my head, I froze at the door. 'I saw what you were planning remember. Cars are for the ground.' I exited the room swiftly.

I was outside in the night sky before I realized.

I ran to the woods near the city. I put my fist through a tree turning it to dust.

What now?

Throw a heavy car through a wall, I could still stick to my original idea.

What could I do?

Hunt humans? No. that was most defiantly not me.

Aro had saw my idea to lift the car, or throw it.

Jump in front of a speeding car? No.

Stand in the sun? IT reminded me of Bella. She thought I was beautiful the first time I showed her. No.

My throat burned with thirst. Hunt a human.

Killing a human in Volterra was the most unforgivable thing. Even they themselves got food elsewhere.

It would expose our race, and I was thirsty.

I looked around and saw a group of people as I emerged from the woods. Witnesses. I lowered myself for the attack. The scent was wafting around. My throat burned with desire.

Before I could pounce I saw Carlisle in my head. I straightened my position. No, I couldn't do that to him.

I held my breath as I walked past them. I heard them talking about St Marcus day. It was tomorrow. There would be a grand festival, lots of people celebrating.

A plan suddenly hit me. There would be hundreds of people all around, in the same place. If I were to walk out into the sunlight just for a few minutes. Everyone would see, they would see the sparkle. It would be hard to forget.

I heard a clock tower of in the distance. I ran toward it.

It was in the centre of the city. The perfect place.

The clock chimed again.

I looked up at it.

Noon, the sun would be the highest in the sky. The better to show of my skin.

Perfect. The people would see it all. Truly amazing Aro didn't know how right he was.

It was perfect.

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	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:**

**There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

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**Chapter 15: Already dead**

I stood in the alleyway by the clock tower. I leaned against the cold stone wall. My final moments were upon me. The wait had been painful. I wanted immediate action. To have to wait made it that much more painful. I had forced myself from doing something drastic, something to disappoint Carlisle. I laughed at the thought. I wouldn't do anything rash because of him. Coming from the vampire who was about to pull a suicide mission.

I looked out the alleyway, all the innocent people out there.

They all walked around oblivious to the truth. Ignoring the real monsters that existed here.

I sighed, I was furious when Aro had denied me my wish. I didn't actually think he would grant it, but I had hoped. It wasn't hard to grant. He just saw it as a waste, he wanted my talent for himself. He hoped that I would come back in a few days. Have a change of heart.

He didn't understand that Bella was the only thing in my dead heart. He also did not want to upset Carlisle. I knew it would, but he also had to know this was the only way. There were no other options.

Aro was a strange leader. He didn't know my talent until he had shook my hand. And I had not known his.

It was interesting, odd eve. He knew my intentions, he knew I was about to cause some form of trouble, but he did not let on. Instead, he offered me a position among his Guard. It was laughable. He knew and yet did nothing. For that I was grateful.

People were everywhere…and so were the Guard. All I had to do was jump out and attack someone. I could not deny the appeal. If this was going to be my last act, why not drink human blood? Have one final taste, before the members and protectors of the Volturi disposed me.

The idea was dismissed as quickly as it arrived. What a poor way it would have been to thank Carlisle, for all the years that he had taught me to curb my thirst. If he ever heard about that final act, his shame would be great and wherever I went, even if I only became nothing, I was sure to feel it even there.

Then to taste another human being. Was, wrong. There was no rational way to explain it. Stupid in ways. It did not matter that she was dead and gone. She had been the only one that I had ever wanted, in every way possible - her body, her mind and her blood. To take from another was an insult. And even then, I never, ever would have allowed myself to drink from her.

There had only been that one time…The time when I had to extract James' venom from her body, and that had been…words could not describe how difficult. Difficult was not a strong enough word.

The time was almost near.

I would just walk out. Walk out and shine.

It was five minutes until the clock struck twelve. five minutes until I was liberated from this agony. five minutes until, if Carlisle was right about our kind having an afterlife, I would see Bella again.

Five minutes, and it felt like forever. Five agonizingly slow minutes, and I would see her again, hold her, feel her in my arms.

That is all I wanted; to see her again, at least once, if indeed I am condemned to an eternity in hell. Just meeting her and putting her in so much danger probably warranted a ticket straight there, at the very least. Just being should do the same. Monsters like me should not exist, especially not in the same world with creatures as good as Bella.

Monsters were only meant for nightmares and fairy tales. Not the real world.

We weren't supposed to exist, let alone exist among humans.

The clock finally chimed, a deep, rumbling sound.

I was seconds away from death, and I found that I was smiling. It will soon be over, I assured myself, and undid the buttons of my shirt. For some reason beyond comprehension, I actually folded it neatly, before I placed it on the floor.

Straightening myself up, I listened with a growing sense of peace, as the sounding of the second chime echoed through the air.

I looked down, the sunlight at my feet. I was only just in the shadow. I wondered vaguely if it was going to hurt. It didn't really matter.

The clock chimed loudly again.

One of the little girls had spotted me in the gloom. She was trying to bring me to her father's attention. Chime.

I closed my eyes and took one step toward the light, opening my palms to touch it as the clock chimed again.

I thought I heard someone calling my name. Was that my mind playing tricks on me? Or was I already dead? But the voice sounded severely out of breath. I dismissed it.

Then it came again slightly louder.

She was yelling my name. warning me, telling me not to join her, stay where I was. Silly girl, as if I could live in this world without her.

The clocked chimed again.

Ignoring the beautiful voice, I continued forward.

Bella, love. Soon. Soon we will be together again. I imagined my arms wrapping around her warm frame. I smiled.

Suddenly the yells were getting louder. Was I close? Was it that quick? I took another step forward toward the sunlight.

The clock chimed again.

I took another step.

Something hit me hard. Slamming into my chest.

"No! Edward, look at me!"

My sweet angelic Bella. The voice I longed to hear.

She was there…it was her, looking exactly as I remembered her. Startled as I was, I took a reflexive breath, and her heady scent filled my being.

The scent, my memories didn't do it justice.

Was I dead already? I was with Bella. I must be.

Already dead. Amazing how happy and hopeful I was for that very thing.

I slowly opened my eyes to make sure my assumptions were correct as the clock chimed again, sounding distant now.

It was definitely her. She was dripping wet and slightly shaken, and her eyes were frenzied; not exactly what I had in mind, but I'd take it. Whatever I could get.

"Amazing," I said, in awe. Perhaps we did have a heaven after all. Although, this was much better than any heaven. "Carlisle was right."

Well that hadn't been bad at all? I had been expecting the Guard to drag me to some far off corner, and take their time, ripping me apart. The pain was supposed to be excruciating.

"Edward," she gasped, out of breath. The sound of my name on her lips gave me great joy. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"

Touching her face and inhaling deeply, I smiled to myself.

My heart. Although it was not beating like it once did, it felt whole. It didn't feel like a gaping whole in my chest. It was no longer in pieces. I could almost feel it.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing – they're very good," I mused, leaning to press my lips against her hair.

"Death, that hath sucked thy honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty," I quoted as the bell of the clock chimed one last time.

"You smell exactly the same as always." I spoke directly to her now. "So maybe this is hell. I don't care, I'll take it." If it meant being with Bella, it wasn't hell at all.

"I'm not dead! And neither are you!" Was she trying to ruin our reunion with frivolous conversation? "Please Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!"

Who can't be far away? I was feeling very hazy. She wasn't making any sense.

"What was that?" I asked politely, slightly annoyed.

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi."

Several things registered at once. One, heaven or hell, Bella would never mention the Volturi if we were in fact safe from them.

My head was pounding, and every nerve in my body was reacting to what was happening. My love was in danger, and she was very much alive. The hand that I held behind me belonged to a _living _person, and it was _warm _and it felt wonderful. With fingers that had been desperate for her touch for so long, I held her hand tightly, and she attempted to crush mine back.

Two, I could hear the minds of Felix and Demetri nearby.

Three, I was still standing in an alleyway, shirtless, and clutching a wet and terrified-looking Bella.

Thus, I had to conclude that I was alive, Bella was with me, and we were both in mortal peril.

In the same second I realized all of this, I grabbed Bella and pinned her against the wall, arms outstretched protectively in front of her.

We were in trouble, but suddenly, it didn't seem so frightening, because she was here, holding my hand and I would do anything to get her out of this anything to get us out of this, and even if we didn't make it- we would be together.

My head was still swimming as I held Bella protectively between me.

"Greetings gentlemen," I said with false politeness to the two figures that unfolded themselves from the darkness. "I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters."

"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" Felix asked, voice hard and menacing. I could feel Bella trembling behind me.

"I don't believe that will be necessary," I said icily. "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules."

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun. Let us seek better cover." I glared at him. I had to get Bella out of here. She was here. In my arms. Alive and well. Impossible.

"I'll be right behind you. Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?" I knew they wouldn't allow it, but I had to try.

"No, bring the girl."

"I don't think so," I almost growled.

"No," Bella whispered.

"Shh," I murmured.

"Felix, not here." Demetri had more control than Felix. "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand."

"Certainly," I agreed quickly. I knew if a fight broke out, neither of us would make it out.

"But the girl goes free."

"I'm afraid that's not possible. We have rules to obey." I tried to hold back a snarl.

"Then _I'm _afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri."

"That's just fine," Felix said.

"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri sighed.

"I'm sure he'll survive the letdown." I replied harshly

They began to advance. I didn't move. I would protect Bella, or die trying.

Then I heard her, I whipped my head around toward where she would come from.

"Let's behave ourselves, shall we? There are ladies present." She said appearing in the alley. She skipped to my side as if our lives weren't in danger. I was immensely glad to see her. Felix looked annoyed now that the odds were even.

"We're not alone," Alice said, reminded them.

"Please, Edward, let's be reasonable," Demetri said, shaking his head after glancing at the humans.

"Let's," I agreed. "And we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."

"At least let's discuss this more privately."

"No," I said through my teeth.

"Enough." It was Jane. Of course, who else would it be? I must not give her an excuse to use her talent.

"Jane," I sighed in defeat.

"Follow me," she said simply, gliding into the deeper darkness. I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist and towed her along after Alice. Demetri and Felix shadowed us. Bella glanced up at me, her eyes filled to the brim with a fierce curiosity mixed with intense fright. I shook my head at her; this was not the time for questions from her.

"Well, Alice," I said conversationally. I was trying to distract Bella. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

'of course I would come for you!. You knew I would' she sang in my head.

"It was my mistake," Alice answered, mimicking my tone. "It was my job to set it right."

"What happened?"

"It's a long story. In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about extreme sports these days."

' cliff diving, werewolves, motorcycles are just the least of our worries now.' I heard in her mind.

"Hm," I said, my voice marred with disapproval. Of course, only Bella would look for trouble even when the greatest danger has moved on.

Alice showed me how she had found Bella, a mess, lifeless and as empty as I was.

It was then we reached the end of the alley so I had no chance to react.

In the ground in front of us was a sewer hole. All of them led to the stronghold. Resigned, I dragged Bella closer to it.

Alice slid down in casually.

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	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:**

**There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. Itll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

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**Chapter 16: The end?**

"It's alright, Bella, Alice will catch you." She seemed hesitant and I wished for a way to calm her. I wished I could have gone first and caught her but Demetri and Felix were still behind us and I didn't trust them one bit. I wanted to calm her hold her and run away from this mess, but I knew that was useless.

I took hold of her wrists and lowered her to Alice. The contact between me and Bella, if only just that small little contact of my hands on her wrist. Sent waves of warmth through her skin, onto mine. Something that I had not experienced in so long. Something I missed, and craved. I couldn't live with out her, I knew that now. I think I always knew that deep down. But my pride of protecting her was blinding me.

I could not live with out Isabella Marie swan. And some how I would get us all out of this.

After all this was my fault.

Once Bella was down the tunnel I slipped down behind her. The hallway was very dim. This was one of the old stone tunnels beneath the city that had existed centuries ago. The Volturi created this city and used every part, old and new, as their personal playground. As soon as I landed on the damp stone below I took Bella into my arms.

Not only for reassurance but for my own sanity.

We were now deep into the Volturi residence and there was no turning back. Bella held me very tightly as we walked down the stone path. Her heartbeat was frantic and it worried me. I wish there were a way to calm her. She had risked her life for me, someone who didn't deserve her.

I vowed that if we made it out of her, I would spend the rest of her life making it up to her. Proving to her how sorry I was and how much I truly loved and needed her.

'Good you better prove to her!' Alice thought.

Then I received numerous thoughts from her

The cliff jumping was far from the worst. Alice allowed me to hear things from Charlie. The state Bella was in when I left, the emptiness, the lack of desire she had to live, and worst of all the nightmares. I had left her a shell of her former self. She was like me in that way, there was nothing left with out her. I was nothing.

She showed me Charlie's thoughts his memories of when he had first found Bella in the woods, the state of shock and despair she was in. she was completely empty, void of all emotion.

The mention of my name alone, caused her great pain. So much, she literally had to hold her self together.

Then there was the fact that Victoria was hunting her, I had seriously under estimated Victoria. It angered me to no end to know she was hunting Bella.

Werewolves were protecting her? Werewolves! Oh Bella, danger magnet in deed.

Alice showed me one person in particular who I already did not like. Apparently he had a knack for his heritage. The wolf gene. How wonderful, specially for one so close to Bella. Werewolves, Bella would happy and content with them.

I shook my head, Bella had a way of finding the wrong people to be with. Friend or otherwise.

I had left Bella, so she could live a normal happy life. And yet she barely managed to exist. The pain I had caused her was so visible to Alice, it was almost unbearable. The only thing that kept me going was Bella was in my arms this very second. I would never leave her again.

Even if she did move on, I would watch over her, protect her from all.

I just hoped I wasn't to late to save her from the mongrels.

'you see what you have done?' Alice asked only me. I slightly nodded.

'she hasn't moved on Edward, have you not learned anything? She cant be with any one but you, and like wise for you. So stop being so damn proud.' she snapped 'and did you think any of us, could live without you? Are you that stupid?' she snapped again and then she started humming, blocking me out.

Bella was having trouble walking in the dark. Her feet tripped over the stone. I wanted to carry her, pick her up and hold her in my arms. But I knew better, I couldn't expect her to want me back, open arms like nothing happen.

We crept further and further into the dark.

I slightly wondered if this was the end for us. After everything we had been through. Would this be the only reunion we would get?

I didn't realize when I had started to stroke Bella's cheek, but the sensation was amazing. Something I had longed to feel for the longest time. Would this be it? Would this be the last time I would ever hold Bella? Feel her warmth against me?

I lowered my head onto hers. If this was the last we would have I wanted to make the most of it as I could. Breathing in her scent, letting it consume me with desire.

I felt her arms tighten around me. I wish she knew how much I wanted her, and needed her.

My existence had been nothing with out her. It had been an empty one. I was a shell of my former self, just as she was. I gently kissed her forehead. I'm so sorry Bella. I thought. Even if she wouldn't except it, I had to try.

The path started to go deeper into the darkness. I could tell we were almost there. I felt Bella shiver, I thought she was afraid, but soon realized she was cold. Her teeth were chattering. Her clothes were still wet. I tried to remember where there was water. How she had gotten wet. She must have climbed through the fountain to reach me in time.

She was so brave. I didn't deserve her. I wondered if I ever would.

I slowly slipped my arms from around her, and grabbed hold of her hand.

"N, no." she managed to get out between the chattering of her teeth. As she grabbed tighter hold of me. I quickly took her back in my arms, rubbing my hands up and down her arms. Trying to keep her as warm as possible against the stone cold body of mine.

We had reached the end all to soon for my liking, the only good was it was warmer for Bella here. We went through an iron door. I emerged through it on the other side into a bright stone room.

Bella relaxed slightly in my arms.

I wanted to run, Wisk her away into the darkness again.

This couldn't be the end for us, could it?

**I debated whether or not to leave it there or cont lol.. Sorry: - )**

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	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I WOULDA HAD THIS POSTED THE OTHER DAY, BUT FANFIC WOULDN'T LET ME SIGN IN:-/ **

**BUT IT GAVE ME A CHANCE TO GET AHEAD A LOT! **

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**Tell me what you think.**

**Chapter 17: Fate**

Bella was warming up a little now. I was grateful for that fact, but my mind still lingered on if this was our last hour. The only reunion we would get.

We were lead into an elevator by Jane. This would take us to the main level. As soon as we were all in the elevator the three of them relaxed. I pulled Bella closer to me. Knowing they were not as under control of there thirst as I was. Bella's scent was an over powering thing, especially in such a close confinement.

I heard there thoughts, and knew how much the scent was enticing them.

I was thankful when we stepped out of the elevator into a lobby. The same one I had been in yesterday.

I saw Gianna behind the desk. Poor human, I was slightly happy they hadn't seen her as useless yet. Bella seemed surprised when she saw Gianna was human.

She was not the least bit surprised to see us all enter, she bid Jane a cheery hello.

We waked through the lobby and past her desk. They led us through the doors I had just passed through hours ago.

Alec, Jane's twin brother was on the other side who greeted us. He was surprised to see all of us though.

"They send you out for one and you come back with two ……and half." He glanced at Bella, It made me worried. What was in store for us. "Nice work."

He must have been warned to block his thoughts. I couldn't read them clearly.

"Welcome back Edward, you seem in a better mood." A better mood? How could I be in a better mood? Was he being funny? I thought I had lost Bella, hence the poor mood. And now I may be leading her to death. How was that better?

"Marginally," was my reply because I guess after everything at least Bella was alive, for now.

Alec turned from me and gazed at Bella, looking her over. Trying to see what all the fuss was about. He finally deemed Bella as nothing to die over. Worthless.

"And this was the cause of all the trouble," he said with a dark chuckle.

I wanted to inform him of just how much trouble I would go through for her incase he had missed any of my pleas from the day before. He did not know the depth of emotion and love Bella stirred in me. I smiled at him.

He would never know what love like this felt like.

Felix's thoughts hit me. Threatening Bella.

Threatening me showing me the torture you wished to do to me was one thing, I would not let even the slightest thought about Bella being tortured. I turned to him, a low growl worked its way into my chest.

He held his hand up and called me forward with his finger. Beckoning me forward. I was about to move when Alice reached for my arm.

"Patience," she cautioned. It was rather handy having Alice with me after all. She shared her thoughts with me on what might lay ahead for us and it seemed that Aro truly didn't want harm to come to me, however he still didn't know about Bella being here or Alice for that matter. As much as I wanted to put Felix in his place, I had to think of Bella's safety first. There was still a chance, a small one, that we would make it out of this. We had to, I would not allow this to be the last of Bella, take me in her place if they must. But don't take Bella. I couldn't allow it or bare it for that matter.

"Aro will be so pleased to see you again." Alec replied

"Let's not keep him waiting," Jane suggested with excitement in her voice.

The fear rose up in me again. Bella still clung to me tightly and she seemed less fearful than before. How I wish she would learn some sort of self preservation. I wasn't really sure if she understood the danger that was present. I held her close to my bare chest; her warmth was so soothing to my cold skin. Now was the moment of truth.

We walked down the long hallway. I wondered which room we would enter.

We stopped in the middle of the hallway. Alec slid open a panel hiding the plain door that lead to the feeding room.

My worst fears were beginning to come true. This was not the place I wanted Bella to be. This was the room they brought humans to in order to feed. Alec held the door open for us to enter.

It was cold and damp. My body tensed when I saw how many vampires awaited my arrival. Our arrival.

Everyone turned toward us when we entered the room. Aro was pleased to have Jane return to him.

"Jane, dear one, you've returned!" As Aro moved forward I noticed Bella's mouth drop open. She was obviously surprised by Aro's movement, or as he got closer, his appearance. I was thankful that he hadn't yet realized just who Jane had brought back.

He gently planted a kiss on Jane, "Ah, Jane you are such a comfort to me."

His thoughts went to me. He was happy to have me back, alive. He felt it would have been such a waste If I were to be destroyed. Plus he did not wish to hurt his friend Carlisle.

He finally turned to see the rest of what Jane had brought back.

His thoughts were almost gleeful and surprised when he realized that both Bella and Alice were with me.

"And Alice and Bella, too!" Aro clapped his hands in pleasure. "This is a happy surprise. Wonderful!" He seemed truly delighted to see us all here. I was unsure as to why he held such great pleasure to see the two of them. Hell I was unsure of everything at this point. Aro would not let me into his mind. Knowing I would see what was coming. It was like dealing with Bella's invisible force field. Completely left out of the loop.

Bella just stared in shock at the warm welcome we received from Aro. I hoped she was holding up ok. This must be a great deal of shock for her. More so than James.

"Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers of our company. I am sure they wouldn't want to miss this." Felix skulked off to retrieve the others all the while his thoughts were on our demise and the pleasure he would have in destroying me.

Aro turned to me. "You see, Edward?" he had a tone of matter of factly. "What did I tell you? Aren't you glad I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?" Aro was very pleased with himself.

"Yes, Aro, I am," I winced at the memory of what I had asked and why. I unconsciously tightened my grip around Bella. She was with me now. This was all I had dreamed of the last few days. I just hoped this dream would not become a nightmare.

"I love a happy ending," Aro seemed truly happy about having us all here. I wasn't sure where he was going with this but the mention of a "happy ending" filled me with some hope. If we were just in another room I would feel a little bit better. Aro continued," They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" He turned to her, for the first time, with a curious stare. "Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake." Aro seemed to have a need for gossip almost like a teenage girl. I wondered if this was what happened living an isolated life for centuries.

"Oh, I am far from infallible." Alice showed no tension in her voice but there was some concern in her thoughts. She thought she would be blamed or possibly punished for such a mistake. She was, of course, already punishing herself and cursing Rosalie. "As you can see today, I cause as many problems as I cure them."

"You're too modest. I have seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!" Again Aro was giddy. He truly seemed to be enjoying himself. I hoped his good mood continued and we were released soon. Alice shot me a nervous glance she was unaware of how Aro knew anything of her talents. Aro being observant caught the questioning look from Alice.

"I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just I feel I know you already, and I tend to get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not."

The envy was clear in Aro's voice and thoughts. I thought it would be the perfect time to pay him a compliment. I wanted to keep him in his good mood and feed his ego a bit. "And exponentially more powerful," I looked at Alice to explain, "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in a moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had." I was pleased to hear that Aro appreciated my humbleness. Alice had questions of her own though.

"You showed him everything? He knows all about Bella, James, and the rest of the family?" she was shocked and a bit scared.

I inclined my head slightly at Alice. Aro noticed our conversation and the envy was back in his tone. "But to hear from a distance…" Aro sighed heavily showing his frustration with his perceived inadequacies. "That would be so convenient."

Then everyone in the room turned to face the door and the others entering. Marcus and Caius had arrived with Felix. Neither Marcus nor Caius looked pleased to be here. They did not share the enthusiasm of Aro about our presence.

"Marcus, Caius look!" Pure excitement oozed from Aro. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful!" Aro's excitement was clear but did not spread to the others. Caius and Marcus drifted towards their seats. As Marcus passed Aro he reached his hand out and let his thoughts pass to Aro. Marcus was surprised by the intensity of mine and Bella's relationship. I tried to hold suppress a laugh.

I explained swiftly, "Marcus sees relationships. He is surprised by the intensity of ours."

"So convenient," Aro repeated to himself. "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I assure you." Aro changed the topic suddenly. "It's just so difficult to understand, even now. How can you stand so close to her like that?"

"It is not without effort," was my reply. I honestly wanted to wisk her away and hold her in my arms forever. She was what I had desired for the last six months.

"But still- la tua cantante! What a waste!" Aro was amazed by my restraint.

I let out a humorless chuckle at this. Aro really didn't understand just how much Bella meant to me. "I look at it more as a price." Aro would never be able to comprehend the love I have for Bella. She is my life, the reason for my whole existence. He would always be preoccupied by her scent and as much as I loved her scent, her presence in my life was so much more important. I would forever pay the price of not drinking from her if it meant keeping her in my life.

Aro was still unsure. "A very high price"

"Opportunity cost." I would give anything to spend time with Bella and I would give my life if she no longer lived. Aro was missing the point completely.

"If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift and yet you……."

"Waste it," I finished for him. He was obviously stuck on how I could not just take her life to feed my need for blood. He didn't realize Bella filled so many other needs for me, all more important than her blood. The rest of her called to me more than her blood.

"Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him only he was not so angry"

"Carlisle out shines me in many other ways as well."

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self control of all things, but you put him to shame."

"Hardly," I replied impatiently. This meaningless chat was becoming old. It held no value. I needed to know our fate. Aro had existed for so long that time tended to be irrelevant for him.

But to me the minutes since we entered this room. The feeding room. I shuddered slighty at the thought. The minutes had past quickly, but the time, felt like an eternity. Stuck in a constant nightmare. Where you had no choice but to stand and wait for death.

I needed to know our fate. Mainly Bella's fate. As long as I got her out of this, alive and well. My fate meant nothing.

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	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I WOULDA HAD THIS POSTED THE OTHER DAY, BUT FANFIC WOULDN'T LET ME SIGN IN:-/ **

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**Chapter 18: Ultimatum **

I stood before Aro continuing to listen to his pointless rambling. He seemed perfectly content to reminisce about Carlisle, and how baffled he was with my restraint.

I wanted to be far away from here. I wished I was back on a plane, heading to forks.

I wished I could rewind time, back to before Bella' birthday.

Even if we made it out of this, I knew Bella would hold this entire experience with her. The nightmares to come would be ones I wish she never would have to have. I didn't want her here.

I knew even if we got out, Bella had made such an impression on Aro. Immune to my talent, he wanted to see what she would carry with her in the after life. I did not like that fact. And Bella knew, to much. Way to much for his liking.

"Just remembering how she appeals to you it makes me thirsty," Aro said this with a slight chuckle. I found nothing funny about the statement and tensed immediately. Aro sensed my tension.

"Don't be disturbed I mean her no harm. But I am so curious, about one thing in particular." Aro's eyes brightened as his thought came to me. He wanted to know if Bella were immune to him too. "May I?" He asked me raising his hand towards Bella.

"Ask her," I replied in a flat voice. I did not want to say yes for Bella, I knew she would be terrified, but I knew Aro was just curious.

I hoped more than anything that he couldn't. I didn't want to be the only one who was blocked from her mind. It would bother me that Aro could see things that I couldn't.

Jealously it was an evil thing.

"Of course, how rude of me! Bella, I am fascinated that you are the only exception to Edward's impressive talent so very interesting that such a thing should occur! And I was wondering, since our talents are so similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try- to see if you are an exception for me, as well?"

Bella looked at me, horrified. She was obviously frightened by Aro's request but it was necessary to please him and allow him to do this. Plus it would settle some of my curiosity as well.

I knew he would not harm her. I was sure of it, or it wouldn't even be an idea. I nodded at Bella.

I had looked into Bella's eyes. The first time since we were here. Since she was here in front of me. First time in six months, and it pained me to no end to see how unhealthy she looked.

She slowly placed her hand in Aro's. With in seconds I could tell that Aro saw the same thing I did. Nothing. Just blank. It took all I had to not show how happy I was about this.

It was also clear that it bothered him to no end that she was immune. It just furthered his interest in her though.

"So very interesting." Aro seemed to be contemplating what he wanted to do next.

The first second it entered his mind, I knew, and I knew I wouldn't allow it.

"A first, I wonder if she is immune to our other talents…..Jane, dear?"

"No!" Jane could not be allowed to torture Bella. Her talent was to inflict pain so torturous that no one should have to endure it.

I could not and would not allow them to even try. I would not sit idly by and have Bella be in pain by the hands of Jane. Over my dead body.

Alice grabbed hold of me in an attempt to control me. The rage building in me was the real monster, and I would allow it to escape. I shook her off angrily.

"Yes, Master?" Jane replied to Aro with a wicked grin grateful to be given the chance to prove herself against the mere human.

I snarled at the horrible thoughts rushing through Jane's head.

I looked up at Aro, full of anger. Did he honestly believe I would allow this to happen. That I would allow Bella to be put through that?

Felix moved forward, hoping to get his chance at me. Aro shot him a look and he stopped.

"I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to you."

Aro could barely be heard over the furious growls escaping from me. I let go of Bella for the first time since entering the residence. I had to shield her from Jane. I had to protect her, for so long I had not been there when she needed me but I would be there now. Jane turned to Bella and as she did I lunged at her.

I could hear Alice cry "don't" but it was too late. I was on the ground. I cringed against the stone floor making sure no sound escaped me; I would not give any of them that pleasure.

I heard Bella yell out for Jane to stop. Still the brave one amongst the horrible monsters. She even tried to move between Jane and me. Alice stopped her.

Aro called to Jane and now that I was out of the way, he wanted to see if Bella was immune.

As soon as Jane hd looked away from me, the pain had stopped. I was thankful to be rid of it, but I was terrified to see what would happen to Bella.

Jane was smiling devilishly at her. I sprang to my feet, waiting for Bella to collapse with the sudden pain. Start screaming, but nothing happen. I looked at Bella and Jane, I could see the frustration in Jane's head. She was giving Bella full force of her talent and yet nothing happen.

I went back to Bella's side. Pleased that Jane had finally met her match. She was not capable of hurting her.

Alice released Bella to me, and once again she was safe in my arms. Where I would protect her for the rest of her life If I was able. If she would allow me.

Aro began to laugh. Startling me. It was not the reaction I had expected.

"Ha, ha, ha, this is wonderful!" It was strange to me how Aro was so easily amused.

Jane hissed in frustration at Aro's amusement.

"Don't be put out, dear one, she confounds us all." Aro placed a light hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

Jane curled her lip as she glared at me. I had made yet another enemy in Volterra, luckily I was not as concerned about their like of me as much I as with Aro, Marcus and Caius.

"Ha, ha, ha," Aro laugh in sheer amusement at the situation. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once just out of curiosity." Aro shook his head at the memory of the pain Jane had caused him.

When he spoke again however his tone had changed and the topic was serious.

"So what do we do with you now?" It was a simple question with hopefully a simple answer. My breath caught when he said it. I could only hope against all odds that he would release us. Alice and I both stiffened at this.

Bella began to tremble in my arms. I couldn't tighten my hold on her with out crushing her, and I couldn't say anything to comfort her. There was nothing I could to do comfort her.

Our fate was to be decided by monsters. I just hoped with all hope that this would not be the end. There had to be more to me and Bella. If not me, then just Bella. She had barely lived.

Aro was being careful with his thoughts, careful not to give anything away, let anything slip.

My mind was full of panic, what was to come? Death? Would we be let go? Asked never to return?

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" Aro asked me hopefully and I contemplated if my answer would save Bella's life.

Saying yes, would mean I would have to leave Bella, and I couldn't bear to do that again.

I spoke my words carefully, "I'd….rather…..not." Aro was disappointed but not surprised by my response.

"Alice? Would you perhaps be interested in joining us?"

"No, thank you." Alice replied so much quicker than I did.

She seemed so sure of herself. I tried to read her thoughts, but nothing was clear.

The next question caught us all off guard.

"And you, Bella?" I hissed at Aro.

How could he ask such a question? He could not keep my Bella.

I looked to Bella, to see her reaction, she looked slightly confused. It was times like these that I wish I could read what she was thinking.

Caius broke through the silence.

"What?" He was not happy with Aro's willingness to invite the human to become one the most elite vampires that existed.

"Caius, surely you see the potential. I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?" Aro was so certain Bella would be one of us. I still couldn't make myself see Bella as one of us, cold and hard with no soul. I noticed Jane was not pleased with being compared to Bella. As far as Jane was concerned she was the apple of Aro's eye, the vampire he needed beside him. The thought of being replaced by such a simple human was not pleasing her at all.

I couldn't allow it, I couldn't see it. I was still unsure whether her life, or her soul was more important.

"No, thank you." Bella replied in a whisper. I was so proud of her this was the second time in one night she had stood up the most powerful vampires in the world. After everything I had put her through she had come here to save me and she was so brave. I was having trouble remembering why I left or more importantly how I thought I could exist without her.

Aro sighed heavily at Bella's response, "That's unfortunate. Such a waste."

The anger had returned in full force, "Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought to this room. So much for your laws." I chose my words carefully. I knew what the laws said and they didn't have any reason to destroy us. I needed to play this right if I wanted to get us out of this.

"Of course not, we were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you." Aro was surprised by my remark. His thoughts did not betray him, he was speaking the truth.

"Aro the law claims them." Caius was not pleased by what was transpiring. He was not nearly has amused by us as Aro was.

"How so?" I asked? Already knowing the reason behind it, but needing the rest to hear it.

"She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets." Caius was so predictable he said what I needed him to.

"There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well." I hoped I could use this to my benefit to save Bella.

Caius' replied with a weird look. "Yes, but when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not."

"I wouldn't…." Bella began to speak out against Caius, to defend herself but he silenced with a menacing look.

"Nor do you intend to make her one of us," Caius continued. "Therefore, she is a vulnerability. Though it is true, for this, only her life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish."

I bared my teeth at Caius. He knew I would not leave Bella here to be destroyed. He wanted me destroyed as well.

"That's what I thought." Caius showed pleasure at reasoning out why we were to be destroyed. Felix was also very pleased.

"Unless…." Aro interrupted. He was very unhappy with the events that had transpired. He was struggling with finding us a way out. An ultimatum came to his mind. One that I did not like at all. "Unless you do intend to give her immortality?"

I hesitated. I didn't know if I was ready to take Bella's soul and more importantly I didn't know if she still wanted to be a vampire. Did she still want to spend forever with me after everything that happened? And if she did, could I do that to her? Damn her to this kind of life? "And if I do?"

Aro smiled at my response. He could get us out of this, find a way out for Bella. If we agreed to the ultimatum.

"Why, then you would free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle. But I am afraid you would have to mean it."

Aro was not a fool. He knew I would say anything to get us out of Volterra. He needed proof. Proof that I was not lying, he had saw my indecision the first time he touched me to changing Bella. The arguments we had.

He raised his hand in front of me to read my mind.

Caius was not pleased about letting us go but he was pleased that Aro had thought through the possibility of deception. I stared deep into Bella's eyes. How could I decide for her? She stared back at me pleading with her eyes.

"Mean it, please." Bella pleaded with me. It tortured me to have her ask this of me. How could she want me to take her soul? I know we had this argument so many times but this time was different. I couldn't let Aro touch me he would see my indecision again and that would lead him to believe he couldn't let us go. There had to be a way around this. I had to think fast. What could I do or say to make him believe me even though I didn't believe it?

Just then Alice stepped forward. Her hand was raised toward Aro. She didn't say anything and Aro quickly called off his guards to allow Alice to touch his hand.

I could hear Alice's thoughts, she would show Aro one of the many visions she had of Bella. Stone cold and one of us. With our family, forever.

It worked. He would believe her, he had to, because he wanted to, he wanted to see Bella cold and immortal. He wanted to see what talent she would have. He was fascinated with her from the beginning. Curiosity consumed him on the matter.

"Ha, ha, ha," Aro's laughter echoed off the walls. "That was fascinating!" He was delighted with what Alice had shown him.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"To see things you've seen, especially the ones that haven't happened yet."

"But that will."

"Aro," Caius was not happy with where things were going, he wanted us destroyed.

"Dear Caius , don't fret think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household….. Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"

Alice had done a good job of convincing Aro of the events that would occur in the future. Aro had obviously forgotten that not everything Alice saw was true either that or he didn't care.

"Then we are free to go now?" I asked keeping my voice from showing any emotion.

"Yes, yes," Aro said enthusiastically. "But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling."

"And we will visit you as well," Caius added with a promising glare. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay to long. We do not offer second chances."

I nodded in understanding. I clenched my jaw, trying to refrain myself from speaking.

Felix was upset, he wanted a pre dinner snack.

"Ah, Felix, Heidi will be here at any moment. Patience."

"Hmm, in that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later." Heidi's return meant that the Volturi would be feeding soon and I wanted Bella no where near them when that occurred.

"Yes that's a good idea. Accidents do happen. Please wait below until after dark, though, if you don't mind."

"Of course." I agreed. I needed Bella out of this room as long as that happened everything else would work out. Once this threat had passed I realized I had to think about how Bella would take all of this.

" And here," Aro added calling Felix forward. He removed Felix's cloak and tossed it to me. I had honestly forgotten that I wasn't wearing s shirt until then, with everything going on clothing was the least of my worries. Felix was livid that Aro would give me his cloak. The cloak was a sign of the Volturi and meant that you were a part of the inner circle. Aro had handed me Felix's like it was nothing. Aro sighed at the sight of me in the cloak. "It suits you." At that Felix cursed me even more than before, feeling slightly insecure in his place with Aro. It amused me at how easily Felix was bothered by something so stupid. So trivial as a cloak. I smiled slightly at his discomfort. Rather amusing.

"Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Let's go." I said urgently. Bella knew about us and our eating habits, she knew there was a difference. But I still did not want her around that. I did not want her exposed to the cruel truth of it. Knowing and seeing are two completely different things.

I kept Bella by my side and pulled her swiftly down the hallway. Alice was close on her other side hoping that we would be out of the hallway before Heidi arrived with dinner.

"Not fast enough," Alice mumbled.

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	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: SORRY!!!!! HAHA OOOOPPPS OK THIS IS THE RIGHT CHAPTER LOL... IM AN IDIOT :) ANWAYS SORRY BOUT THAT.. FOR THOSE WHO WERE WONDERING THATS FOR MY OTHER STORY ORANGE MOON.. (SEQUAL TO FULL MOON) ANWAYS YEAH.. ENJOY LOL**

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Chapter 19: Sacrifice

It was to late. Heidi had returned. I could hear the people walking towards us. The many victims the Volturi would claim tonight. Each had been told a magnificent story, that was just to good to pass up.

When the people became visible I gently grabbed Bella and pulled her tight into my chest. I wanted to shield her from the ugly truth. There was no need for her to see or hear any of it. I wanted Bella as far away from this as possible. She knew the eating habits, but she didn't know the ugliness behind it.

The second there was a break in the crowd I pushed her through trying to escape before the screaming started. When we reached the outer hallway Heidi was sending the last visitors through.

She stared at Bella curiously. Her eyes flickered between my cloak and Bella. She was one of the few vampires who wanted me to stay, but for her own reasons.

She was not happy to see Bella walk out alive. The cloak around me also confused her.

I couldn't think of anything else though, getting Bella away from the feeding room before something happened was my number one priority.

As soon as we got past Heidi I set off at a run. My efforts were futile though. It was to late. The screams echoed throughout the hallway. I couldn't spare Bella from the ugly truth. She would again see the darkest side of my existence. She would know the monster within.

Demetri showed us to the reception area where Gianna was still there. He reminded us not to leave until dark and left.

Gianna eyed my cloak suspiciously. She thought I had joined, she was envious.

I was suddenly aware of Bella, falling apart in my arms. .

"Are you alright?" I tried to hide the anxiety in voice. I was worried. She had been through so much. No one should have to endure the things she has because of me.

"You'd better make her sit before she falls. She's going to pieces." Alice was just as concerned for Bella as I was.

She was shaking uncontrollably. I didn't know what I could do for her except hold her. The stress of the day was showing finally. She could no longer hold it all in. I couldn't believe she had made it this far without falling apart. A normal person would have lost it before now. But then again Bella was not normal. I was proud, scared and worried for her all at the same time.

She was sobbing uncontrollably I tried to cal her down. It was all I could do.

"Shh, Bella, Shh." I wanted to comfort her but nothing seemed to be working. I couldn't get her to stop.

"I think she is having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," Alice suggested.

I glared up at her. Slapping her would not help the situation, and I couldn't believe she even suggested it. I looked up at her the panic was written all over my face. I had Bella back, but yet again the monster that I was, had her in hysterics as Alice called it.

"It's all right, you're safe, it's all right." I repeated this over and over again hoping the calming words would register in her mind and she would relax. I gently pulled her onto my lap, and tucked the cloak around her.

I wanted to hold onto her and never let go. Keep her close at all times. Never let her go again. I didn't know how long she would allow me to.

She had come to save me yes, but that didn't mean she would allow me back into her life.

I had to cherish what ever moments I had left. It might be all the time I had.

Finally the sobbing became slower.

"All those people."

"I know," I whispered, there was no defense for how the Volturi lived. I may not live like them but the guilt of exposing Bella to this would not go away. I had always wanted to protect her from the reality of what I was. It was too late now. She knew everything. The horrible truth behind it. The reason we chose a different life for ourselves than other vampires.

"It's so horrible."

"Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that," I wish she knew just how much I meant that. It killed me to see her this way. I had dreamed of this so many times for the last six months. To have Bella back in my arms again. God had a funny way of granting wishes.

Gianna slowly walked toward us. "Is there anything I can get you?" she kept her tone pleasant, she was worried for Bella, but did not understand how she could react such a way. It was natural to her. The vampire world is what she dreamt of. The cold hard truth of it all was just the sad truth to her. It was the reality of the situation. Predators needed to eat, and the pray needed to die for it. Completely normal to her.

"No," I replied for Bella.

Bella waited until Gianna was out of hearing range to speak.

"Does she know what's going on here?"

"Yes she knows everything."

"Does she know that they are going to kill her someday?"

"She knows it is a possibility. She's hoping they'll decide to keep her."

"She wants to be one of them?" The horror in Bella's voice was evident. "How can she want that?" And there it was everything I always feared. Bella now despised everything I was. I knew this day would come. "How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be part of that?" I couldn't respond to her. She was right how could anyone want this existence. She would never want to be with me after this. The grim reality made the pain of the last few days resurface stronger than before. She wanted nothing to do with this life, or me. I'm just sorry it took this for her to realize the truth behind her want of immortality.

"Oh, Edward," Bella began to cry again and I wished for a way to comfort her. Each tear drop was like a razor blade to my being.

"What's wrong?" I gently rubbed her back trying to relax her rigid body.

Bella reached up and wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled herself close to me. It was the most heavenly feeling even though we were closer to hell. I pulled her as tightly to me as I could without hurting her. We were almost one body molded together.

"Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?"

"I know exactly what you mean," I was so happy to have her near me, no matter how short a time that might be. I had to find away for her to forgive me. I would gladly beg for the rest of my existence if it mean she would take me back. I was a selfish being. This was not what was best for Bella. It slightly bothered me that that was the truth, but a bigger part of me no longer cared, it only ached and craved Bella. That was a stronger part. The part that needed her no matter what. "But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive." Bella was alive and that was amazing. Just yesterday I had lived through her death and today I lived through mine.

"Yes, that's a good one."

"And together," this comment didn't get much of a response from Bella and that worried me. Maybe she didn't want to be with me. But I would enjoy this for as long as it would last. "And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow."

"Hopefully"

"The outlook is quite good." I had almost forgotten that Alice was still here. My world only consisted of Bella being in my arms for now. "I'll see Jasper in less than 24 hours." And Alice only thought of Jasper.

Bella and I continued to stare at each other. She looked so different. She had lost weight and deep circles were etched under her eyes. What had I done to my beautiful Bella? How much pain had I caused her? I traced the circles under her eyes. "You look so tired."

"And you look thirsty." She was always so observant. I could only imagine the black coal color of my eyes.

"It's nothing," and that was the truth. I was more in control of my thirst than ever before. It was still there and it nagged at me but my love for Bella could deny the monster everything.

"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice." Did she want me to leave or was she just trying to be helpful.

"Don't be ridiculous," a sigh escaped me before I continued. "I've never been in better control of that side of my nature than right now." I continued to stare at her face. My mind had not done her justice. The depth of her brown eyes and the beauty of her heart shaped face were so much more than my memory could ever dream of.

It was getting dark out. We needed to figure a way out, and back to the air port to finally get home. Home with Bella.

Alice and I discussed in low voices

Randomly Alice asked about one of Aro's many interesting questions.

"What was all that talk about singers?" Alice asked with a curious look on her face.

"La tua cantante," I said with a small smile. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer because her blood sings for me." Alice laughed. In a way it was funny. Only the Volturi would have a name for the way blood calls to someone. Bella was not only my singer but my song my existence was nothing without her.

We sat in silence waiting for our time to be free from this place.

Bella was clearly tired, but she fought against sleep with everything she had.

Every now and then I would touch my lips to a part of her. Her hair, her forhead. Never her mouth. I did not know if that was stepping over the line. I was finally whole again, at least for the moment.

Alec walked through the door at the far end of the room and I instantly tightened my grip on Bella.

"You are free to leave now." Those words were all I needed to hear. "We ask that you don't linger in the city."

"That won't be a problem." I responded. I had no intent on prolonging the trip home.

We followed Giannas instructions. When we reached the street the celebration was still in full swing. People all over were dressed as vampires, fangs and all.

I rolled my eyes at the sight.

"Where's Alice?" Bella said with panic in her voice.

"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning."

"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" Bella seemed indifferent to grand theft auto.

I grinned at her.

"Not until we are outside the city."

We continued walking, toward the entryway. Bella was so exhausted it was a struggle for her to walk. I wrapped my arms around her supporting her to make it easier.

She really needed to sleep. I knew she probably had not slept on the plane ride here. So for humans that was a long time not to sleep. If only, I dreamed. I could use some sleep right now.

We finally reached Alice, she had a car already waiting for us.

"I'm sorry there wasn't much to choose from." Alice was not impressed with the car she borrowed but it would to get us away from the city.

I got in the back with Bella. We were on our way home. The future was no uncertain. I was not going to spend a second away from her. I was worried how she would respond when things were, well normal. At least as normal as they could be. We would no longer be in danger things would settle. Would she still want me then? I had so much to make up for, I would not leave her side again. Unless asked other wise.

"It's fine, Alice. They can't all be 911 Turbos." I had seen the car in Alice's thoughts and it was very nice.

"I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous."

"I'll get you one for Christmas." It was the least I could do after all.

She had saved my life, by risking her own. If she had not went to forks, to see, I would not be here.

"Yellow." She said facing me instead of the road. I couldn't help but smile.

I kept my arms wrapped around Bella and tucked the cloak in around her to keep her warm. "You can sleep now, Bella. It's over." I wanted her to rest. I was concerned that she might get sick. Sleep would do her some good. I was worried about the nightmares to come though.

"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired." Liar was the first word that came to mind.

She was physically and mentally drained. I knew that, she knew it, almost anyone could see it. But for now I would grant her wish. She could fight it off for now. Dazzle her later.

"Try," I whispered as I lowered my lips down to the hollow under her ear. She shook her head. Dazzling was definitely out, for now. "You're still just as stubborn." She was struggling to keep her eyes open and she managed to do so all the way to the airport.

Once we reached the airport Alice had bought new clothes for me, which I was relieved to have. Bella changed and brushed her teeth.

We were headed home.

Bella, in all attempts to fight exhaustion ordered a coke from the stewardess. I didn't want her to stay awake, she needed her rest, but maybe if she stayed away a while longer, we could talk.

"Bella," I said disapprovingly.

I don't want to sleep," she reminded me. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares." The thought of her having a nightmare, did not please me, so I didn't bother to argue with her. I knew this night would stay with her from some time.

We were silent from then. She just looked at me with that same inquisitive look she always had when she wanted to quiz me. She never asked a thing though, never said a word.

I had thought about ways to start this conversation, but with her right next to me, my efforts were futile, I was afraid. Me a monster afraid. The scenes in my head played out so many different ways. She would be angry, tell me she hated me, never wanted to see me again.

She forgave me, told me she had always wished I would come back, dreamed of it. The same as I had. She had been lost with out me. She loved me and that hadn't changed.

I knew I wasn't ready for the first outcome. So I had kept quite. Afraid to loose her all over again. I kept her close to me, soaking in everything that was Bella. Everything that I had feared lost.

How could I ever have thought I could live with out this. I truly believed I could. I still didn't know how I managed to make it the last six months without her. I had already caved and was on my way back to her, when I thought I had lost her completely.

She was my life and always would be.

Five hours was all I had left. The flight to Seattle would only take that long. That was all the time I had left with her. Everything after that was uncertain. Bella could choose to banish me from her life. She could choose the wolf. I tried to push that particular thought from my mind. Alice had some pretty strong opinions on Jacob Black and his feelings for Bella. It worried me. Had she really moved on? And if she had it was my own fault. It was what I wanted. I pushed everything from my mind, all the negativity. I just wanted to be with her, for now, just as we had been. I traced her face, and she traced mine in return. The touch of her skin on my face was heavenly. It scent electricity through my entire being. I never wanted her to stop.

I gently placed kisses on her hair, nose and wrists. I didn't kiss her on the lips. I wasn't sure if I would be met with rejection and I didn't think I could handle that just yet.

We approached Seattle, my mind was filled with those negative thoughts. We would soon be on the ground. Soon we would be home, and everything was uncertain. I did not know what would happen when we landed. But I knew I had to have my say.

All I needed was some time, time to beg for forgiveness. To show her just how hard it was for me to be with out her. Most importantly I needed her to know the truth behind the lie she believed. I had to let her know she was my everything and that I was wrong. I feared the uncertainty of my future but I feared losing Bella forever even more.

She needed to know the sacrifice I had made. That I did not leave because of her. I left for her

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	20. Chapter 20

_**A/N: I WOULDA HAD THIS POSTED THE OTHER DAY, BUT FANFIC WOULDN'T LET ME SIGN IN:-/ **_

_**BUT IT GAVE ME A CHANCE TO GET AHEAD A LOT! **_

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_**Chapter 20: Given up**_

_Bella kept looking like she was going to say something, but held her tongue every time. I wanted her to say whatever it was that she was thinking, but I also didn't want to start a conversation while there was hope that she would fall asleep and get some rest. Whatever hope there was of her falling asleep was diminished though, as she kept drinking soda. I held her in my arms and traced her face over and over again. She touched mine in return. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her, everywhere, but still never her lips._

_What if this was all that I had left? _

_The plane landed on the ground and I had to release her from my arms. Not having her there made me feel empty. It was almost unbearable. Like half of me was missing. _

_We walked down the long hallway towards the exit, my arm draped around Bella's waist again. It gave me some sense of security to have her close to me. _

_Waiting for us were Esme, Carlisle, and Jasper. I figured my family would be here once Alice had called Jasper to let him know we were alive. Bella looked truly surprised to see everyone there. I felt a new guilt wash over me as I looked at Esme and Carlisle. Esme stepped forward taking Bella into a hug even though I didn't release her._

_Fear was what kept my hold on Bella. Fear that now were on the ground she would run at any moment. Run from the monster that I was._

_"Thank you so much," she said quietly to Bella. Next she turned on me, and threw her arms around me. The look on her face made my chest ache even more. It reflected the magnitude of pain I had put her through. Tears would have fallen if she were capable._

_"You will never put me through that again," she practically growled._

"_Sorry, Mom," was about all I could say. _

"_Thank you, Bella. We owe you." Carlisle said to her. He didn't speak to me out loud at least. He gave me the so nice to have you home. But in that tone that only a father could give. When Bella spoke to Carlisle I realized that her sleepless plane ride had finally caught up to her. She was exhausted. _

"_Hardly," Bella mumbled back. She looked as if she was about to pass out, and I felt her go a little more limp in my arms._

"_She's dead on her feet." Esme was not pleased with the condition that Bella was in especially because she had risked her life for me. She scolded me as if it was my fault. I had told her to sleep hadn't I? Then again, if I hadn't gone to kill myself she would never had missed three days sleep. I deserved all I got. Bella was in this condition in this state because of me. "Let's get her home." 'stop blaming yourself dear.' I hear her say in her mind. I tried to smile up at her but I was more concerned with Bella. _

_I lead her toward the parking garage and found Emmett and Rosalie leaning against the car. I stiffened, the anger rose in my chest. I wanted to rip her limb from limb. She didn't think about anybody but herself. She didn't think of the consequences of her actions. She was selfish!_

"_Don't," Esme whispered. "She feels awful."_

"_She should." I made no attempt to hide my anger. She had been horrible to me since the day Bella first appeared in Forks and she had been even worse to Bella. She took pleasure in that phone call thinking that if Bella were dead I would return to the family. It wasn't that simple. Did she not love Emmett as much as I loved Bella? Obviously not. _

"_It's not her fault," she mumbled half asleep. Bella was actually trying to defend her. After everything, after the way she treated her. Bella would always surprise me. _

"_Please let her make amends," Esme pleaded. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper."_

_I pouted. I didn't want anything to do with Rosalie._

_I couldn't help but glower at Rosalie. All the rage I had in me, I tried to focus through my eyes into her head. How I wished she would just disappear, forever._

_Bella must have seen me glaring at Rosalie because she spoke up then,_

"_Please, Edward." again, always a surprise. She was willing to ride with her. After all the horrible stuff._

_I decided that if Bella were willing to deal with Rosalie then I would make the effort. _

"_Edward," Rosalie's thoughts were clear. She was sorry but what she did was so inexcusable._

"_I know," there was little she could say that would make me forgive her any time soon._

"_Bella?" Rosalie spoke softly. There was hesitation in her voice. Rosalie was never good at being humble and this was not easy for her._

"_Yes, Rosalie?"_

_"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."_

_Surprisingly, her words seemed sincere. Rosalie meant every word she said. Her thoughts did not betray her. It was very difficult for her to do this and I was pleased that she made an effort with Bella._

"_Of course, Rosalie," Bella spoke in sleepy tones. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."_

"_It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose," Emmett said with a small chuckle._

"_I'm conscious." Bella barely mumbled before she nuzzled closely to my neck and fell fast asleep. I loved having her so close to me. All of this could wait._

"_Let her sleep." I said gruffly to them. She needed her rest I had a feeling that Charlie would not be as happy to see us or at least me._

_It was as bad, if not worse, than what I had imagined. I could hear Charlie's thoughts as we approached the house. He was worried about Bella. Then he saw our car pull up. Charlie swung the door open and stalked toward us. I lifted Bella into my arms and carried her towards Charlie._

'_I can't believe that kid is here, wait till I get my hands on him.' Charlie thought. He was not happy to see me, nor was I surprised._

_Charlie shouted to us from across the street in the doorway._

"_Bella!" the anger was clear in his voice and his thoughts were screaming profanities at me. Charlie hated me and blamed me for everything. He had every right to blame me. Right now though Bella was priority, she needed to sleep and be yelled at later._

"_Charlie," Bella was barely awake but she recognized that we were at her house._

"_Shh, it's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep." I whispered to Bella trying to ease her anxiety. She would have to face Charlie eventually and he had thoughts of grounding until she was thirty. He was highly upset, he was pissed. Furious at me. _

"_I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." Charlie was furious. He had some pretty vivid thoughts involving me and his fists. But he was also panicked. It was the second time Bella had run off because of me. He was afraid one of these times she would run off for good like Renee. I could understand his fear. I was afraid that she would run away from me for good too. Something we had in common. _

_I tried to read into his thoughts find an opening. Something to make this all better. _

_I finally realized I would have to wait for him to cool down. He was hot tempered. And anger flared within him._

"_Stop it, Dad." Bella barely let the words slip through her lips. He ignored her. _

"_What's wrong with her?" Charlie was close enough to see Bella's pale face and limp body in my arms. A whole new set of thoughts rushed through his mind about Bella's well being._

"_She's just very tired Charlie, please let her rest." I tried to keep my voice and even tone. These were not the words Charlie wanted to hear from me. Charlie preferred for me to be dead amongst the many thoughts going through his head._

"_Don't tell me what to do!" Charlie was red in the face and yelling at me. "Give her to me. Get your hands off of her!"_

_I didn't wish to infuriate him any more than necessary. I tried to pass Bella to Charlie but she clung to me. It was the first sign she had shown of wanting to be with me. I found some joy in the gloominess of this situation. Bella may want to be with me. Of course, she could just want to yell at me and tell how much of a jerk she thought I was or she was too unconscious to know what she was doing. Either way I'd take it. It would mean being with her for at least a little longer. I couldn't bare not being with her. I just prayed this wasn't going to be the end. Bella really did want this, want to be with me. _

_Cling to me forever. Forever, It didn't sound to bad, but I couldn't do that to her, couldn't risk her soul. _

"_Cut it out, Dad. Be mad at me." she mumbled, finding her voice again. _

_We had made it to the front steps of Bella's house. Charlie was standing between the front door and me. He was not about to let me in his house._

"_You bet I will be. Get inside." Charlie was definitely going to ground Bella for life after this._

"_Kay, let me down." Bella sighed heavily as I set her on her feet. Her legs were not ready to hold her weight. She took a step and her head was headed straight for the sidewalk. I quickly caught her before her face and the concrete made contact. I held her around the waist._

"_Just let me get her upstairs and then I'll leave." Charlie wasn't overly excited about letting me in his house but the thought of me leaving made his day. Could I really leave thought? Before I could think about it any further. Bella had a completely different reaction to my words. One that surprised even me._

"_No!" Bella was distraught over me leaving and if my heart weren't stone it would have skipped a beat. She didn't want me to leave. This was the second time she had that reaction to the thought of me leaving. It gave me some hope but I was still unsure of her reasons and the fear resurfaced. No I pushed it aside. She was truly upset at my leaving. For some reason this made my dead heart flutter. She didn't want me to leave? I loved the thought of it._

"_I won't be far," I promised her. I said it so low into her ear so that Charlie wouldn't hear._

_And I wouldn't be, I couldn't bare to be away from her for even a minute. Leaving her here would be hard enough as it was. Even the shortest amount of time. I needed her to be close. Time would stand still until then. I knew I would have to leave for just a little while. Pacify Charlie. _

_I walked past Charlie and had him direct me to Bella's room. _

_I carried Bella into her room. I pried Bella's fingers from my shirt and placed her on her bed and covered her in her blankets. I gently placed a kiss on her forehead and walked back down the stairs. Charlie was close behind me trying to decide which thoughts he would actually share with me. None of them were pleasant or polite. _

_"What the hell are you doing back here? Do have any idea what you put her through? How those months after you left were? You have no right to come back into her life after how you left her. With out anything, no contact at all. And she waited! Waited for you, waited for something that never came. You go and get yourself into whatever it was, and just expect her to let you back! Get the hell out of my house and don't ever walk through my door again!" Charlie screamed at me._

_I nodded, I knew I wouldn't be able to explain myself at the moment. His vision was clouded by anger and rage. _

_I couldn't blame him; he was only looking out for Bella._

_I made my way back to the house. Back home, forks was my home. It was always our home. I should have never made us leave. _

_I didn't want to be away from Bella. But I knew Charlie would be watching Bella. She would be asleep for hours, she was exhausted not only physically but mentally. She needed rest. I just hoped it was peaceful. _

_Carlisle was waiting for me at the house. He wasn't as angry as I thought he was going to be. He was hurt, and mostly concerned for my well being. Afraid that I had made enemies with the Volturi. _

_Esme pulled me into a tight hug as soon as I had entered. The relief to have me home was clear on her face. I was comforted by being back in the big white house by the river. This was my true home._

_I could hear Carlisle in his study. _

_I knew he was concerned that our relations with the Volturi were in jeopardy. I stopped at the door and knocked once before entering._

"_Edward, I am so happy to have you back home. You have no idea the worry you put us through."_

"_I'm sorry. I know it was stupi…." he raise his hand in front of him, cutting me off._

"_Don't, we all do stupid things, we all make mistakes. We all are just happy to have you back with us. We wouldn't of known what to do with out you." he smiled happily at me. _

"_It's just I.." I sighed, I didn't even know the words to describe my feelings. _

"_Edward I know this had been a tiring last few days for all of us, and probably a very tiring few months for you. Do we have any reason to worry about the Volturi? What will happen if Bella decides against you?" _

_Just the words the possibility cut me like a knife. "I know it's, I know it can happen. She doesn't have any reason to take me back after this. I don't really expect her to. I mean you saw her, I destroyed her. She was lifeless, because of me." _

"_She loves you." _

"_I love her, and I hope that's enough. But if its not. Then there has to be another way. What we promised. I don't even know if I could do it if she wants me back." _

"_I don't know what's going through your mind or hers. She may still want this Edward, and if she does, then that is something that you will have to discuss. She truly wanted this, all of it. Knowing the cost ahead of time she still wanted this. Sometimes in love you have to trust the other persons judgment." _

_I tried to smile at him, part of me knew he was right. Eventually it would come to it. immortality or death. The voturi would see to it. _

"_Promise me, you wont do anything this rash again?"_

"_I wont there is to much to exist for, Bella is alive and well. I know it was foolish to believe it, but when I called."_

"_I know. Just promise."_

"_I promise. Aro wouldn't have done it anyway. He sees me as to valuable. He didn't want to hurt you either. He sends his regards."_

"_Aro was always fond of me. I am grateful he didn't give you what you wanted. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, Edward."_

"_I'm sorry" it was a poor excuse for what I was, but it was still true._

"_did he say anything else that we sould be concerned about Bella? Other than the obvious."_

"_No, he was fascinated by her, slightly confused. Neither himself or Jane can effect her. Just like me its all a mystery."_

"_Well you and Bella are home safely now. We will deal with the consequences later." _

_He was hiding something from me. About Bella and the visions Alice had seen. _

_It was time to return to my love. I had been away from Bella for to long. She would be awakening soon. _

_I sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room. Charlie was getting ridiculas now, he repeatedly checked on Bella. Making me duck into the closet several times to escape being seen. _

_It was late in the day, Bella had been asleep for a while. I was glad she was getting the rest she needed, also surprised she had not had a nightmare, at least not yet. Any normal person would have been screaming in terror from the passing few days, but then again Bella was not normal. _

_I thought long and hard of all the things I needed to tell her. Begging would most likely have to happen. I would beg on my knees plead for forgiveness. Spend every second trying to prove to her how sorry i was. make her believe the truth, and not the lie. _

_Had she moved on like I had wanted. Found someone else? Forgotten all about me, and the love we share. Did she no longer want or love me? _

_could i bare it if that were true? I was deep in thought. Thinking of all the possibilities, the out comes, what I could say and do to prove to her. _

_She started talking in her sleep. Rolling over to face me. _

"_Jacob" The word slipped through her lips and cut me into a thousand pieces. Any doubt I had in my mind had now multiplied by a thousand. _

_She had given up on me. _

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	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. It'll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

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**Chapter 21: Heaven on earth**

I had lost all hope. There was nothing left. Bella didn't want me, she had moved on. With, I shuddered, that dog. It couldn't be.

How could she have moved on with a werewolf? She was supposed to move on and have a normal happy human life not get involved with a werewolf.

And defiantly not my sworn enemy. Granted the whole enemies thing was nothing of our doing, but through nature itself. We were created to destroy each other. Werewolves were around to do one thing and one thing only. Protect the normal world from our kind.

Charlie checked on Bella twice more before heading to bed.

The last time was the hardest to watch.

He bent down next to Bella' bed, and kissed her forehead. I thought that was going to be the end of it. But then he kneeled down on the floor and put his head on her arm.

He prayed for god to help her get through this. Get over me, and not let me ruin her progress.

But mostly he prayed that his little girl wouldn't leave him.

She would always be his little girl.

It struck hard, for I had that same prayer. But I knew mine would not be answered. No matter how much I prayed to god that Bella wouldn't leave me. My prayers would not be heard.

There was slightly good news though. He was no longer filled with rage, no longer angry. He was concerned, and worried about Bella. Worried about what this would do to her. I saw it all clearly in his head. The zombie that Bella had become. The lifeless colorless, shell. The week she did nothing, the rest of the time trying to put on a good show for his sake, but failing miserably. She was never really good at lying. She tried to appear as normal as possible. He hadn't seen any one try so hard.

Suddenly Alice's vision came into my mind. The visions she showed me, they must of all come true. The pain the suffering. Not only for Bella but for Charlie. I saw the pain he went through, the suffering he went through, not knowing what to do, how to make things better. All he could do was sit and watch his daughter fall apart. She didn't take phone calls, or go out with friends, she barely ate and never laughed or smiled. Anything that had to do with me she avoided. Anything at all that would remind her of me. What had I done? I had destroyed her, destroying myself also. But I meant nothing. i knew the pain I would suffer, but Bella?

Charlie hated me and for good reason. I hated myself. I had put myself in pure agony the last six months, hoping and praying Bella was ok and would move on. But hoping all the while she wouldn't. I was a selfish horrible monster. I realize now I wanted to hold onto Bella even though I left, but at what cost? I had caused her so much pain. She was as lifeless as I was. The last six months had been pure agonizing torture. I thought it was just me, but now I know the truth. I had caused Bella so much pain. I hurt the only person I wanted to save. The irony of it, I left to save her, protect her and keep her from harm. Give her a happy normal life, give her the chance to move on and be happy. In reality I had ruined her life.

Charlie also thought about Jacob Black. He knew nothing of the animal within, but he thought very highly of him. He had helped Bella through this. He was starting to see the old Bella come out, the happier Bella, all because of Jacob. Although there was still hope. Charlie thought about recent events. And how Jacob had treated Bella.

I needed that hope. She had moved on, but it didn't work. Hope was for fools, then I was the biggest fool of all. that's all I seemed to have these last few days, hope.

Hope that I would be reunited with Bella in the after life. Which turned into hope that we all would make it out alive, or at least Bella would. Hope that she wouldn't be too affected by the recent events in Volterra. Hope that she would still want me in her life. Hope that she would still love and need me.

That was all I seemed to have lately.

His last thought was that he was glad he had banned me from the house.

Like that could ever keep me away from Bella. I lightly laughed at the humor. I didn't want Charlie to hate me, but I knew that at this very moment, me being here was not what he hated about me. He hated what I had done. And so did I. he had every right to hate me for what I had done. I was a monster for it.

Charlie drifted off to sleep shortly after. Leaving me to my thoughts.

I contemplated all the things I had heard.

I had destroyed her with the best of intentions.

I slowly got up from my spot. I kneeled on the floor next to Bella's bed. I grabbed her hand gently and began to caress the top with my thumb. I took in a deep breath, taking in her scent.

I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it gently. I sighed, there was only one thing I could do now. I was that desperate, or maybe just that crazy.

"God. I really feel like a jack ass for talking to myself. But Carlisle believes there's an afterlife. Charlie seemed to have no problem or doubt in to doing this. So maybe just maybe you can hear me. Hope right?" I laughed lightly making sure not to wake Bella. "I didn't want this life. I didn't choose it. I don't blame Carlisle for this either. He was doing what he thought best like he always does. If there is no room for me or my kind, at least consider him." I sighed again, this was pointless. "Bella is my life, she always will be my life, my only reason for existing. I have tried to do the right thing with what I was given. I tried to do the right thing by Bella, but it back fired. I did more harm than good. I see that now. I was willing to risk my happiness for her to have a normal happy life. All I did in the process was ruin and make her life miserable. I understand if she's not happy with me, but. Ugh,. I guess what I'm trying to say is, please don't take her away from me again. I thought I lost her once, and it nearly destroyed me. Literally. Just don't take her away from me. If I cant have her love me, than please, at least let me have some part."

Now that I felt like a totally idiot. I pushed myself up onto the bed. I sat next to Bella rubbing her arm gently. Pushing the hair away from her face.

I silently got up from the bed. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I guess I saw Charlie do it, and he had so much hope in it. I mean what did I have to loose?

I sat down in the rocking chair and began to think about how I could make things right with Bella. She doubted that I loved her. I agonized over the final words I had used to make her doubt me. 'I don't want you' I had said it, but how could she believe it. More importantly how could I convince and prove to her that I didn't mean it. Once the seed of doubt is planted, it sprouts roots and becomes damn near impossible to destroy.

She had believed the lie but never the truth. I sighed and got up. I was away from her for to long. I wasn't going to waste the maybe last few hours that I had with her sitting on a chair.

I slide into the bed next to her and gently wrapped my arms around her. Holding her close to me. It was heaven. Or as close to heaven as I could get. I couldn't ask or pray for anything more. I laid there next to her, listening to her breath. Taking in her scent letting in consume me. It was everything I had remembered and yet so much more.

Bella sighed and moved a lot in her sleep. I laid there wishing I could know what she was thinking, but also knowing that I never would be able to.

'Jacob." she mumbled. The sudden voice of hers surprised me. Then angered me. It was Jacob she called for, not me. 'I have to go Jake.' I stopped breathing. Trying not to move her. Hoping with all hope she would finish. Give me something to go on. I was filled with sudden pain and regret, I had left her, and she had moved on. She used to say my name, nightly. But I had been replaced. Jealousy raged within me. I tried to will her to believe me, "I love you Bella." I whispered.

My efforts were fruitless.

Jacob came to her lips again.

She seemed to be getting irritated now. She was moving a lot more. "Jake." she almost was yelling. I gently went to slid my arms out from away from her. This would just be torture. The sooner I prepared myself for the loss the easier it would be. Even I didn't believe it though.

"I love him!" she almost growled. I froze in place. The him caught my attention. The wolf would know what I was, and he would hate me just for that. Did he fight with her about me? And what I was?

I sat there for what felt like forever. I wanted to wake her and plead with her to continue. Who did she love? Me or the dog? Or was it someone else?

Suddenly the sound was like music to my ears.

"Edward." she had finally said my name. it took me a few seconds to believe it.

A smile widened across my face. She had spoken my name. it still didn't mean she hadn't moved on with the dog. But at least she had said it. She loved me. At least subconsciously. My insides were churning. Nervous and anxious. Would she still feel the same way awake? Would she still want me? No. she couldn't. I was a monster. Guilt washed over me. I had left her, and in return I had left her in a cold dead state. A lifeless shell of the Bella I once loved. She did look a mess, paler than usual, empty, she had lost some weight, a bit more fragile and breakable. I had caused this, the pain the agony, the reason she had given up on me was because of me. I had left her, and she had moved on, like I had intended. But I really didn't mean it.

How could I be so stupid!

"Edward, please." she begged. Knocking me out of my thoughts.

I was getting impatient. I didn't like not knowing.

Please what?

"Please." she repeated.

"anything." I whispered. I would do and give anything for her. All she need do is ask.

Just tell me what you want. I wanted to shake her make her continue. Please what. You cant just say please and not finish!

"Edward!" she screamed. Her scream shook me. I was sitting up now, hovering over her. Trying to figure out what it is she needed. Was she in pain?

"Edward. Please. don't go." she begged, almost crying now.

So many emotions rushed through me. I didn't know which was worse. Hope or fear. Guilt ripped through me like razor blades. She had said my name, and she didn't want me to go. I still didn't know why, but at this moment I didn't care.

I realized it didn't matter. She didn't want me to go. I knew that was all I needed.

I was Bella's forever. Whether she realized it or not. I would always be here. I would not leave again. I don't think I had the strength to.

I gently kissed her forehead.

Her breathing pattern changed, she was beginning to stir.

Her eyes fluttered slightly. I could see she was trying to keep them closed. Forcing herself back to sleep.

I waited patiently for her to wake up and open her eyes.

Oh, dear God, if you really do exist please let her still love me. I was absolutely petrified. What if she told me to leave and never come back? The suspense was killing me, so to speak.

Bella sighed heavily and finally opened them.

"Oh!" she gasped and threw her hands over her eyes. Oh no she really wasn't happy to see me at all. Maybe this was a mistake. No I needed to know.

I leaned in close to her face willing her to move her hands so I could look into her eyes. She opened them again and looked at me, slightly surprised.

"Did I frighten you?" I was anxious. Everything over the last few days had lead to this moment. I was with her and it was time to face my fears. I watched Bella closely. The expression changed on her face so many times it was hard to tell what she was thinking and it frustrated me to no end. If I had frightened her that meant there was still hope. If I hadn't, then I had to find a reason for the reaction she had made. She used to wake up to me all the time after all.

"Oh, crap," Bella said with a thick voice. What could she possibly be thinking, it was a yes or no question.

"What's wrong, Bella?" She frowned at me. Concern showed on my face, I was sure of it. I was still anxious and waiting for my answer. Her frown made me wonder what was going on in that head of hers.

"I'm dead, right?" she moaned. "I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." What on earth was she talking about? Her first thought at seeing me was that she was dead. The pain grew deeper and spread throughout my whole being. She thought she was dead because she was with me. A deep frown crossed my lips.

"You're not dead."

"Then why am I not waking up?" she challenged. She went from thinking she was dead to thinking she was having a nightmare. I was a terrifying monster only meant for nightmares. She had finally realized it.

"You are awake, Bella." She shook her head.

"Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake" Jake, just the name infuriated me. I had to think of something to say to ease her mind. Convince her she was awake and alive.

And what was the comment about being worse when she woke up. What would be worse than death?

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." A small grim smile crossed my face. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit any murders while I was away?"

She grimaced at me, "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."

I sighed heavily. Bella, Bella, Bella. That was her for you. Always trying to make me look like some kind of angel. Death would not grant me a ticket to heaven. I was already dead.

Besides my past would never allow it. The monster I was, was not meant for heaven. God would not allow a monster such as myself in.

Bella sat there for a moment, collecting her thoughts from the look of it and I couldn't help but stare at her.

She looked away from me for a second toward the open window.

When her eyes returned to me, she blushed. I loved that blush. God how I missed that.

"Did all of that really happen, then?"

I was glad to see that she finally seemed to be coming around to the whole you're awake discussion. "That depends." Yes, you did risk your life, and everything, to come to Italy and save me from being such an idiot. Yes, you were almost killed by the Volturi, who in all are pretty much the most powerful vampires to exist. Yes, I did leave you, I was a jack ass, but its all ok now because I'm back. Yeah right, if only it were that simple.

"If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange, I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?" I rolled my eyes. I should have known she would find a way to lessen the danger we had been in.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore." She looked like she was fully awake now. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

I glanced quickly at the clock.. She started to stretch, stretching out her achy body after such a long sleep.

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours." It had seemed like an eternity for me, waiting patiently for you to wake.

"Charlie?" she asked with concern.

I frowned remembering our conversation from earlier that day, and everything he thought of me. "Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now." I thought about that for a second, and almost chuckled. "Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window...But, still, the intent was clear."

Disbelief crossed Bella's face quickly and fury soon replaced it. "Charlie banned you from the house?"

Silly, Bella. "Did you expect anything else?" I was troubled again by the memories of pain Charlie had inadvertently shared with me.

She looked angry now. I pitied Charlie. Knowing Bella was going to let him have it next time she saw him.

"What's the story?" Bella suddenly asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for, how long was I gone, anyway?" She appeared to be counting in her head, but I already knew the answer.

"Just three days." I smiled at her. Just three days. I made it sound like it should have been longer. I had all night to think and a cover story never crossed my mind. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

She groaned at me. "Fabulous." She was beautiful.

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," I tried. The offer seemed to comfort her. I mean after all she was the one who took Bella.

We sat in silence for a moment, while she appeared to be calculating in her head.

"So," she began, she seemed to be choosing her words carefully and I didn't know what to expect. So here it was. My stomach began to churn in knots. Was she going to tell me to leave? And never return. Get as far away from her as possible. "What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

I had been dreading this question. I knew it had been inevitable, but I had wanted to try and avoid it as long as possible. It just figures that she would bring it up almost right away. She still thinks that I was busy distracting myself, the hesitation gave her away. How could I ever undo the doubt I had put in her mind. How could she honestly believe the vicious lie I had told her? Even better, how could I possible get her to believe other wise.

"Nothing terribly exciting." I responded. What else could I say? That I pined for you, I was lost and empty with out you and that's just the pg version? I defiantly couldn't say hey I decided I didn't want to mope around so I went hunting!

"Of course not," she mumbled. I could tell she didn't like my answer. She even made a face. Typical Bella and I couldn't get enough of it.

Why are you making that face?"

"Well." She pursed her lips, "if you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up." She still thought she was dreaming, only Bella. We were back to square one with the whole I'm dreaming thing again.

"If I tell you, will finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" She repeated my word with emphasized scorn. I stopped, pondering what to say. "Maybe, if you tell me."

"I was, hunting." It was the best I could come up with. It wasn't a lie it just wasn't the whole truth. Bella seemed suspicious. I mean tracking and hunting go hand in hand right?

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake." She was criticizing me with some teasing in her tone.

I hesitated. How was I going to explain this? Even though I wasn't with her, I was still motivated to protect her.

I searched for words in my head to make this work. "I wasn't hunting for food. I was actually trying my hand at, tracking. I'm not very good at it." She seemed intrigued by this. She probably was shocked to realize there was something that I wasn't great at. I never did understand why she thought I was the good at everything. Then again, I would never fully understand Bella.

I could tell Bella wasn't about to let this go she was curious as usual.

"What were you tracking?"

"Nothing of consequence." How could I tell her how much of a failure I was? I had failed her in every way possible. I was a poor excuse for a boyfriend, if that's what I still was.

"I don't understand." Of course she would not understand, I barely understood what I was saying. I knew she was not going to fully understand it until she knew who I had been tracking.

I had to tell her, the time for secrets was over. She had to know how sorry I was. The anguish of discussing my failure was written on my face. "I." I took a deep breath. I was just causing my Bella more stress by confusing her. She needed to know the truth, the truth about how sorry I was and how I would never leave her again. The truth about how I really had had no idea how big of a threat Victoria was. The truth about how every single moment I had been gone had been pure torture, and how it had been a worthless attempt on my part. It would never happen again, I could not and would not leave ever again. I loved her to much, and the pain of leaving her was to much to bare.

"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know" I was not going to hold back anything now, she needed to know. I started to speak so fast the words blurred together. I had to get this out quickly so it wouldn't hurt as much kind of like pulling off a band aide. that's what I was doing partly. Showing her all my wounds, telling her all my faults and numerous mistakes I had made. Cause there were plenty to choice from. I had made a mistake by letting her love me in the first place, a mistake for not reading into Victoria when I first had the chance, a mistake for letting Victoria go, a mistake probably the biggest, no most defiantly the biggest was leaving her in the first place. "that I had no idea. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had that kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there." I recalled back to that day in the meadow. Everything had been so perfect then, the scent of Bella had been so intoxicating that day. I should have read Victoria's thoughts deeper than I had.

I felt like I was getting sidetracked from my main point, and I needed to get back on track.

It was time to put all the cards on the table and see what was left for us. If anything at all. Would I get my life back? My love?

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face." It was all pouring out, no lies, just the cold hard truth. "When I heard what you told Alice, what she saw herself, when I realized that you had put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself," I shuddered. The thought of Jacob black protecting Bella instead of me, almost made a growl escape my lips. I held it back. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for."

"Stop!" I stared at her with tortured eyes. I had only just begun to describe how much I loathed myself when she had interrupted. I could not express how much she meant to me and how horrible I was for leaving for her. And why had she stopped me? Did she not want to hear what I had to say? I need to know her thoughts, the silence from where her mind should have been was driving me insane! Did she no longer want to hear any of it, just wanted me to go. Never return leave her alone. She had moved on and I was not going to ruin it? What was going on in her head! Just tell me Bella please!

"Edward," it was said in such a small voice. She sounded pained to say my name. What had I done to this beautiful girl? "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this, this guilt. rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame." I was confused, what was she trying to get at, because no matter what she said it did not change the fact that I could not live without her. "You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault." Ha, silly Bella, that's not why I went to the Volturi, I thought you knew that? "I know it's your., your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible think of Esme and Carlisle and-" She stopped to catch her breath. She was right, it had been irresponsible of me, but Carlisle and Esme were not what kept me existing, Bella was, and if she was gone, there really was nothing to stay for. I love Carlisle and Esme, and the rest of the family to death, but Bella was my everything, I thought I had made that clear. I could not exist without her. She should know that. Did she actually think that I only went to Italy out of guilt? I felt horrible. What had I done? I had annihilated her. She was trying to set me free but I would forever be a prisoner to love.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered, I still couldn't believe what I was hearing, it almost made me mad that she had not listened to what I had told her about not existing without her. How many times had I said it? And yet she believed the vicious lie instead of the truth. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

She looked at me, confusion covering her beautiful face. "Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." All I had wanted to do was rip myself apart, destroy my self where I stood.

"Then….what are you saying? I don't understand."

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," just saying the words brought back all the images of her being cold and still. It pained me so much to think it. "Even if I had no hand in your death. Even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful. I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I suppose to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?" And it wasn't the boy who had told me it was the wolf. The wolf that was my competition for something more important than my existence, for Bella's love was the reason for my being.I thought about it for a moment did Jacob know it was me. Did he say those things out of spite knowing the consequences of his words? "The odds." It was almost impossible for Jacob to know but still such an unusual coincidence. Almost like fate telling put her hands to keep us apart, but then again fate could be the reason were both here, fate lead Bella to italy, fate let Bella get there just in time when the odds seemed impossible. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

I had criticized Romeo over and over, but really I had done the exact same thing, tore apart me and Bella myself, mistake after mistake, the biggest one being actually leaving her. God what had I done, and what can I do to fix it?

"But I still don't understand," she said. "That's my whole point. So what?"

What? Now I was the one who did not understand. So what? What do you mean so what? You were dead! DEAD, no longer living. Which means I was no longer existing. But so what? "Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?" She was obviously trying to make this hard for me and that was what I deserved. But I could never want her dead. She thought it meant nothing to me if she were gone. I thought I had explained myself but once the seeds of doubt are planted, the roots take hold and consume what use to be there. And she obviously did not remember what I had told her about not being able to go on without her. Without her I would be nothing. Without her, I no longer exist. She is the reason for everything. "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything you told me," she said with added emphasize on everything. She must be talking about our talk in the woods before I left. I was not talking about my lies that I had told her that day. She must only remember the horrible lies. The last things I said to her.

I brushed my finger along her lower lip. I needed to touch her. I wanted her to feel the love I felt for her and understand.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. I needed to find a way to convince her. Prove to her. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am..." She seemed to search for the right word "Confused."

I looked deep into her eyes. Trying to see something, anything at all. Something that would help me understand her confusion. that's when it hit me. She was confused, the conversation in the woods. I needed her to know it was all a vicious lie. I had to make her see the truth, the real truth. Not the fake heartless truth I made her believe.

"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

She froze and held her breath. I shook her gently trying to free her from her rigid pose. She needed to hear everything I had to say. She needed to understand. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I winced at the pain of that still too vivid memory. She had looked so broken, she had believed me, I knew that much. "That was, excruciating."

Bella sat there still frozen. I almost willed her to believe me. Please believe me. I could not understand why this was so hard for her to believe. I was pouring everything out. I continued trying to focus on what I needed to say. "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye," I continued, still staring at her intently. "you weren't going to let go." I whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it, it felt like it would kill me to do it but I thought that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

"A clean break," she barely whispered the words. She did remember and it clearly brought her more pain.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry, sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry." I hoped she understood the gravity of my words. I couldn't tell by the look on her face so I continued. I needed to know something. It was nagging at the back of my mind, and I needed to know. "But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could let one word break your faith in me?" It was a valid question. I needed an answer. Did she not love me as much as I hoped? It was so hard to tell she just sat there looking at me.

I could not count the number of times I told her I loved her, that is why I could not figure out how she had let one word negate all those countless times. It was insane. Did she not love me like I thought? She had believed the vicious lie, but not the truth. It didn't make sense.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept. as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"

She froze at my words. I don't know what made her tense up whether it was my words or the painful memories. She still was not moving, so I shook her shoulder again. What was wrong with her? Did she want me to leave? Was I upsetting her? Why wouldn't she talk to me? I was beginning to get worried. Did the last few days events finally catch up to her, was she in shock? "Bella," I sighed. "Really what were you thinking!"

She started to cry and I cursed myself for putting her through this. Truth be told I wasn't sure why she was crying. But I knew that every tear drop was like a needle to my being. Ripping me apart with each drop.

"I knew it," she sobbed. "I knew I was dreaming." Square one, again. How the hell did we end up back at the beginning?

"You're impossible," I said with a laugh. She still didn't want to believe I was here or that what I was saying was real. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here and I love you. I have always loved you, and will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the blackest kind of blasphemy." pouring myself out seemed like a good idea. My heart was hers after all. She should know what was held inside it. Trying to make her except it and believe it now was the tricky part.

Bella shook her head, all the while tears streaming down her face. She was broken and I wanted to steal her pain away. The pain I had caused. I was beginning to lose all hope that I could get this through her head. Prove to her that she was awake, alive, and that I really was here.

"You don't believe me do you? Why can you believe the lie but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me," Her voice broke as she spoke and so did my heart. "I always knew that." It almost knocked the wind out of me. I'd had enough, this was enough, I was going to get this through her head once and for all. My eyes narrowed, and I clenched my jaw.

"I'll prove you're awake." If my words were not going to make her see, then I would use my body. It was the only thing I could think of. The only thing I had left. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I had tried talking to her reasoning it didn't do anything. I cupped Bella's beautiful face in my hands and moved my lips towards hers. She tried to turn away from me. I didn't understand her reasoning but I had to know.

"Please don't." she whispered. I obeyed by stopping, but did not pull away. Whether it was the fact I didn't want to, or I couldn't let go, I didn't know. I just knew I was frozen in place, so close but yet so far.

"Why not?" I asked.

"When I wake up" I started to protest, there was that dreaming thing again, always back to square one with her. "okay forget that one, when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too." She seemed pained as she spoke. I pulled back just enough so I could see into her eyes. I needed to clear this up now. I was not going to leave her, and I wanted to know, did she want me to? Did she move on, like I planned for her to? Or had I hurt her so much that she could no longer trust me?

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so, hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be. quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I whispered. Please say yes. I had put everything on the line and she could break me with a single word. She could banish me from her life and I would deserve it.

"What kind of idiotic question is that?" she practically spat at me. Now is not the time to confuse me Bella. I need to know. I have laid it all out and there you go answering my questions with another question! Ugh, always Bella.

"Just answer it. Please." There was a hint of impatience in my voice. I needed to know. It was a moment of truth. I had laid everything out. My cards were on the table. Everything I had and everything I was, was either going to be saved or broken here tonight.

She could make me or break me with one word.

I was flying on the hope she would say yes. I mean hell. Hope was all I had remember.

She gave me a dark look. It scared me, that look was something I could not understand. Was she about to send me away? Never to return. Tell me she hates me and never wanted to see me again. "The way I feel a bout you will never change. Of course I love you and there's nothing you can do about it." Oh yes, indeed there was something I could do about. Thank God, she did still love me. I was no longer afraid of the unknown, and at the moment it didn't matter whether or not she was awake, because she said she still loved me. That was all that mattered. That was all that I needed to hear.

"That's all I needed to hear." I leaned forward and touched my lips to hers gently. The kiss grew more passionate with every second. It was like we were both trying to force the love we shared for one another into that small kiss. The love I had felt for Bella made the last six months not matter. I threw all the careful boundaries away and deepened the kiss. Bella responded by moving her fingers over my face. Her caress was heavenly. Her soft full lips quivered softly beneath mine, her heart beat erratically as my cool fingers caressed her face. Our bodies were so close together I could feel every curve of her warm, soft body. For a brief moment when our lips were apart I whispered her name and began the kiss again. This was my heaven. Heaven on earth. I didn't need god for that. What ever he had up there, I was perfectly fine down her. I did slightly thank him for giving me Bella back though anyway. Hell Carlisle could be right.

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	22. Chapter 22

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**Chapter 22: Mortality**

The moment I closed the half an inch gap between us, I forgot completely about my self control and gave myself away to the moment. Our kiss was not careful, and if I had been thinking like I had used to, I would have pulled myself off of myself for trying such a stunt.

But this was no stunt. I was in complete control. I had never felt more so, and I knew that any protests and arguments Bella had had were now gone. This was confirmed when her hands met my face. My skin tingled under her touch. It felt so good, how I could have ever gotten the will to leave this was completely beyond me.

I felt relief for the first time since Bella woke up. She loved me not the wolf.

I realized that Bella probably needed air, so I reluctantly moved my lips from hers and laid my head against her chest. Her heart beat was erratic and her breathing was heavy.

Everything I had dreamed of the last six months came true in a matter of minutes. I sat there thinking of everything Bella had said before the kiss and realized she still thought I would leave. It was ,my own doing, I had planted the seed of doubt, and I had left before. It would take time to build that trust again, I knew that.

"By the way I'm not leaving you." I waited for her response, some sort of excitement or recognition that this was fact. She sat in silence and I took that as a bad sign. I lifted my head off her chest reluctantly and gazed deeply into her eyes. Trying to read her face. It was impossible.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." I changed my tone to be more serious so that she would understand the gravity of my words. "I only left in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you, keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted, what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay, thank heavens for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us." I was grateful for that fact. I was not the cause of Bella's dangerous life. Fate played a bigger role in the danger brought upon her than I did. She was still in danger, I just prayed whatever danger lay ahead we could handle it.

"Don't promise me anything." She whispered softly almost as if she didn't mean to say it out loud. Or want to say it. She didn't believe me, and it was my own fault. She had ever reason not to. I was angry, but not at her. I was angry at myself. I had done this, and I would spend the rest of eternity trying to remove it if needed.

"You think I am lying to you now?"

"No, not lying." She paused and shook her head. I wish I knew what was going through her head. It pained me to watch her analyze everything we had. "You could mean it, now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper decides to take another snap at me?" I winced at her last statement. I didn't know how to get past all the bad things that had happened. How would Jasper, my family, live down all the things that had caused me to leave? I wouldn't leave no matter what; even if she kicked me out I would watch over her forever.

"It isn't has if you hadn't thought the first decision through, it is? You'll end up doing what you think is right." She had guessed, there was no way she could have known. Bella was always so observant; I should have expected she would know. It had taken me days to let her go. At first, I wasn't sure if I could really do it but day after day I told myself that I had to for her sake. If only I could show her how hard it was for me. She might understand then. I had some idea of how hard it was for her and it pained me to think about it. The only option I had was to try and explain what my existence was without her, if you could call it an existence. Besides I would never be strong enough to leave again. Bella was my life, she always had been my life. Without her, it wasn't living or existing. It was as if I was gone, just some empty shell left behind.

"I am not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through one hour. It was only a matter of time, and not much of it, before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that." I would beg, I would plead, I would even gravel if it would make her feel better, if it would make her believe me.

"Be serious, please."

I glared, "Oh, I am. Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" I paused, to read her reaction and determine whether or not she was listening to what I had to say. I watched her expression closely to make sure she knew what I was about to say was important. Hopefully it would make her realize the truth of my words. Allow her to believe me.

"Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." My existence ended the day I left her and hadn't truly begun again until my lips touched hers. She renewed my reasons for existing. I always knew she was the reason, and I was stupid for giving that up.

She sat for a moment, seemingly arguing with herself. "Your eyes will adjust," she finally mumbled.

"That's just the problem they can't" Why did she have to be difficult? My existence would be nothing but darkness without her, I knew this for sure.

"What about your distractions?"

I laughed to show her how foolish that idea was. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the. the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny," she muttered.

What was she talking about? How on earth was that funny? How could she find my pain funny? Surely she didn't mean that?. I arched an eyebrow in confusion, "Funny?"

"I meant strange I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She inhaled deeply, almost as if to prove her point. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I could clearly hear the rhythmic beating of her heart. It was found. I laid my ear against her chest to hear the beating of her heart and to feel her warmth. She had felt the same as I had. She let her cheek fall against my hair and I could hear her breathing in my scent. This was all I ever needed. Lying in her arms, drowning in her warmth was perfection. The twinge of guilt consumed me for a short time, she had felt the same way I had. How horrible. I couldn't even think about the pain of living day to day without Bella. The fact that she had felt the same made the pain that much more unbearable.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" A curious note in her voice.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"

"No, that was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, that even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with, Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I tracked her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil, and really she came here." I groaned in frustration at the thought of what could have happened. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears" I couldn't think about what would have happened if Jacob hadn't been protecting Bella when I should have been. I had left her and Victoria, she was so close to hurting my Bella.

"You were hunting Victoria?" Bella shrieked, practically waking Charlie up.

"Not well," she seemed displeased by my efforts but I wouldn't let her down again. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is, out of the question!"

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after" She tried to hurt Bella and if she had found Bella she would have tortured her.

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" she interrupted again. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned, a snarl building deep within me. I didn't have to track Victoria to kill her. I knew she would be back for Bella, it was to avenge James and she wasn't going to stop until either her or Bella was dead. And it would never be Bella, I vowed to myself.

"I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria" there was that snarl, "is going to die. Soon."

"Let's not be hasty," she said, doing a poor job trying to hide the panic that so easily rang out in her voice. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

I nodded, my eyes narrowing, "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

She snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I laughed inside my head. Werewolves were dangerous, temperamental and down right stupid. I refrained from saying anything and instead spoke through my teeth.

"Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?" she asked, something a little off. Instantly I was suspicious, why not the first?

"Alright," I agreed nonetheless, taking what I could get.

"There are others who are coming to look for me," she finally said, in a whisper.

I sighed, she must be talking about the Volturi. That was nothing to worry about, at least not compared to other things. "The Volturi are only the second greatest?"

"You don't seem that upset about it," she noted.

I was going to have to explain this to her, darling Bella, she forgets the way things are for vampires. "Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days." It was true the ninety years before I had met Bella seemed like just a few months. It was different now that I was with her all the time, she made me think about each day, each second. It was almost like I had just began living when Bella came into my life. I continued on in a light, joking tone," I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."

A look of pure horror crossed her face. Uh-oh, had I said something wrong?

I looked at Bella and realized she had tears welling up in her eyes. I wondered if she feared the arrival of the Volturi. They would never find her. I would make sure of that. No one would harm Bella again. Part of me did wonder if that was why she was really crying or if it had something to do with me. I couldn't watch her cry. I wanted to hold her and make all the pain go away.

What could I have said to make Bella cry? I knew the Volturi were scary but I would protect her. "You don't have to be afraid. I won't let them hurt you." I didn't want to see Bella cry. It broke me more and more each time she shed tears over me or the situation I had put her in. the danger was always there, no mater what I did. I couldn't give her an escape.

"While you're here," she said accusingly.

This had to stop. I needed her to understand I would never leave her again. I gently took her face in my hands and stared into the depths of her beautiful brown eyes. "I will never leave you again." Then, as only Bella can do, she shocked me with her words.

"But you said thirty! What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."

This was the dreaded topic. Not the Volturi wanting her changed or dead, but turning thirty. She wanted me to change her and I couldn't do it. It had caused so many fights before I left and now it started all over again. "That's exactly what I am going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul." I couldn't condemn her to an eternity of damnation. I loved her. I loved her enough to know this was not the life I wanted for her.

"Is this really." She tried to ask something, but it clearly pained her to do so.

"Yes" I tried to coax it from her.

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?" Tears streamed down Bella's face as she asked these questions. It was hard to see her upset and crying over things so trivial as age. I brushed the tears away gently from her cheeks with my lips.

"That doesn't mean anything to me." I breathed gently on her skin. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course." I paused; the next part scared me to say. If she agreed with it I would be broken all over again. "If you outgrew me, if you wanted something more. I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

"You do realize I will die eventually, right?" Bella demanded. She was always so cute when she was angry. I still wished I could have calmed her fears in some small way.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can." It would not be easy but I would find a way to follow her. Existing without her was not option I would choose again.

"That is seriously, sick." Bella was not impressed with this decision.

Bella it is the only right way left" I knew what she wanted but I couldn't do it. I couldn't take her soul.

"Let's just back up for a minute." There was anger in her voice and she seemed to have found strength in that. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty," Bella sounded really angry, she really didn't like the thought of thirty. Note to self never refer to thirty again. Thirty equaled fight, thirty was bad. "Do you really think they'll forget?"

"No," I shook my head, they wouldn't forget. Aro had found a new pet interest and would not let it go. There was always a way around it, there had to be. "They won't forget but."

"But?" The anger flew out of Bella unlike I had ever seen.

"I have a few plans." I said confidently.

"And these plans," her anger grew with every word. She was never this angry when we talked before. "These plans all center around me staying human."

"Naturally." I was more than capable of out smarting the Volturi. She highly underestimated me and her tone was getting to me. We stared at each other for a long moment. Then Bella pushed my arms away and sat up. I was startled by her response and afraid it was all too much for her. Would she leave? Choice differently now?

"Do you want me to leave?" I knew I didn't hide the pain on my face well when I asked this question. I didn't want to be away from her.

"No, I'm leaving." I watched her fumble from the bed in search of her shoes. What was she up to? I had a very bed feeling about this.

"May I ask where you are going?"

"I'm going to your house." My house? Maybe she wanted to talk with Alice. I couldn't imagine another reason for her retreating to my house of all places.

I moved to her side and found her shoes. The last thing I wanted her to do was wake Charlie up. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?'

"My truck." She obviously hadn't thought this through. All that noise would alert Charlie of her escape.

"That will probably wake Charlie."

"I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?" Bella wasn't looking at the whole picture. If it had to do with me Charlie would blame me. He already hated that fact that I was back in Forks never mind near Bella. He would seriously come after me if Bella fled one more time on my account.

"None. He'll blame me not you."

"If you have a better idea I'm all ears." Something was possessing Bella. There was a reason for this behavior that I was unaware of and I started to get the felling it had nothing to do with Alice. I had to talk some sense into her. What was she up to?

"Stay here." It was simple enough and I could always hope that she would actually listen to me for a change.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She was teasing me. It is strange how comfortable we were in each others presence after everything we had been through. I loved this and yet I didn't want her to go to my house. She was angry but yet it intrigued me. I had to try and persuade her to stay. She made a move for the door but I was much faster and blocked her way. Bella then decided that the window might be a feasible escape route. My mind conjured up horrible visions of Bella trying to climb out the window. I caved. There was nothing that would stop her.

"Okay," I sighed heavily in defeat, "I'll give you a ride."

"Either way," Bella seemed indifferent to my offer. "But you probably should be there, too."

Bella had an ominous tone to her voice. Something was definitely up and I was missing it. "And why is that?"

"Because you are extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views." I really didn't like where this was going. There was really only one thing I could think of that I would have such a strong opinion on.

"My views on which subject?" My teeth were clenched as I spoke in preparation for the answer I knew would follow.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know." This was definitely not going in a good direction. And what did she mean I wasn't the center of the universe, when had I been the center of the universe. "If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say." No, no, no, my mind screamed knowing exactly where this was headed and not liking it one bit. She could be so stubborn. Why must she fight me on this.

I spoke each word distinctly in order to remain calm. "A say in what?"

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote." No! My mind screamed in rebuttal. I didn't argue though for fear of breaking our still fragile relationship. It would be fine, my family knew how I felt about changing her they would support me. Right? I could appease her and win this fight all at the same time. I knew that my face did not hide the displeasure I felt. I quickly picked Bella up in my arms and leapt out the window. I would win this battle.

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	23. Chapter 23

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**Chapter 23: The floor is yours**

"All right then, up you go." The disapproval was clear in my voice and I made no attempt to hide it. I helped Bella onto my back then took off running. It was amazing how wonderful it felt to have Bella's arms around me while running through the blackness of the night. Everything was rushing by in a blur and then Bella did the most amazing thing, she pressed her lips to my neck. It was amazing the sensations the smallest touch could induce.

"Thank you. Does that mean you've decided your awake?" She laughed. The beautiful sound eased what few fears I had. This would work, it had to.

"Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

"I'll earn your trust back somehow even if it's my final act." I had to. Every time I heard the doubt in Bella's voice it brought the pain and the guilt back. I had changed her, not in the way she wanted, but enough that it was noticeable to anyone who knew her. She trusted no one, not even herself and I had caused that.

"I trust you, it's me I don't trust."

"Explain that, please." She had confused me. I had given her no sound reason to trust me again and yet she trusted me before she trusted herself. The house was close by and I slowed down so that she could finish explaining. I wanted to hear what she had to say on this matter and part of me wanted to postpone the talk we were about to have with my family.

"Well." Bella struggled with the words she wanted to use. "I don't trust myself to be, enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you." Nothing about her that could hold me, everything about her bonded me to her forever. She never saw herself clearly. Her beauty alone was enough to captivate almost anyone then add in all the things that I found special, her warmth, and the soft lines of her body and of course her blush. Her soft lips. Everything about her, called out to me. The numerous thoughts coming from the many guys at school alone were enough to make anyone see there was something about Bella. But she never saw herself clearly. Apparently that fact had not changed while I was away. I reached around and gently pulled her from my back. I held Bella tightly to my chest.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable. Never doubt that." I realized then that Bella had never told me what her greatest problem was and it was becoming clearer to me what it might be. I decided now was as good a time as any to ask. "You never did tell me." It was harder than I thought to say the words. I feared the answer more than I had originally thought.

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess." She sighed heavily and reached up to gently touch her finger tip to my nose.

I nodded. I knew this would be the answer but I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting. "I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that." Bella rolled her eyes at me.

"The worst the Volturi can do is kill me." I watched her with tense eyes, what could I possibly do that was worse than kill her and this was something I could possibly do if I wasn't mindful every moment I was with her. "You can leave me. The Volturi, Victoria, they're nothing compared to that." My face contorted involuntarily to reflect that agony I felt. She feared me leaving more than death. If I were to find anything good in that fact it would be that I knew for certain her love for me was deeper than I could have imagined. Only the fear of losing true love would make death inconsequential.

"Don't," Bella whispered trying to console me. "Don't be sad." I raised the corner of my lips trying to put her mind at ease but it didn't make either one of us feel better.

"If there was only some way to make you see that I can't leave you. Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you."

"Okay." Bella agreed to this. She was willing to let me try. I could live with that. I would put everything I had into making her smile on the daily basis. I wanted to take her on vacation somewhere she'll remember for the rest of her life, shower her with presents that I knew she would never except, there were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to hold her in my arms every night and to be honest I just wanted more. Bella had agreed to time and that was the best thing she could have offered me.

"So since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?"

I laughed at the memory. It was one of the few from that day that didn't destroy me at the thought. I hid them I couldn't help myself. I wanted her to feel my presence as ridiculous as that may seem. "Your things were never gone." Bella's face looked shocked, in a pleasant way, as I admitted this. "I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets-they're all under your floorboards."

"Really?" I nodded in response to Bella. I found some small joy in the fact that Bella liked that I had left her reminders even if they were hidden.

"I think," she contemplated, "I'm not sure, but I wonder, I think maybe I knew the whole time." What did she know exactly? Did she finally figure out that I loved her no matter what I said?

"What did you know?" I asked hoping to finally have her realize the depth if my love.

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices." Did she say she was hearing voices? This was something I hadn't known and I was very curious to know what it was all about.

"Voices?" I said flatly. What could possible make her hear voices?

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story." She heard my voice. I was very curious what prompted her to hear my voice. What sort of psychological break had I caused her? I had done so much more damage than I had previously thought. She wasn't going to get away with not telling me what had happened to cause her to hear voices.

"I've got time." I said evenly to hide my concern.

"It's pretty pathetic." I waited patiently for her to continue. She was uncertain of how to tell me, that much was clear.

"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?" How could I forget all the dangerous things she had done while I was away.

"You jumped off a cliff for fun." I tried to keep my voice steady.

"Er, right. Before that with the motorcycle.."

""Motorcycle?" I knew nothing about motorcycle and I was beginning to have trouble hiding my concern. The thought of Bella on a motorcycle terrified me.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No." This ought to be good. Bella was now completely uncomfortable talking about this and she hid more things from me. I was worried this was going to be bad.

"Well, about that, See, I found that, when I was doing something dangerous or stupid, I could remember you more clearly." Bella wasn't looking at me as if she were ashamed of what she was saying. "I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much. it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt." She was speaking so quickly. I couldn't believe what she was saying. "And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always new that you hadn't stopped loving me."

She had done all this, put her life in constant danger, just to hear my voice. This may have been worse than everything else put together, the nightmares, the friendship with Jacob, it was nothing compared to her doing dangerous, crazy things to hear my voice. I could barely speak. I was gripped with a pain I thought I had buried. "You…were…risking your life…to hear…"

"Shh," she interrupted me. She had a look of dawning on her face like something had suddenly become very clear. Maybe she realized I wasn't worth all the things she had done. "Hold on a second. I think I am having an epiphany here." Bella continued to look deep in thought as if she were trying to figure something out.

"Oh!"

"Bella?" Her response was so odd.

"Oh. Okay. I see." She still wasn't making any sense and it made me nervous.

"Your epiphany?" My voice was uneven when I spoke giving away my insecurity.

"You love me," the words were like music to my ears. Bella sounded marveled at the fact that this could be true. A crooked smile played across my lips.

"Truly, I do." Finally Bella understood. I am not sure what made her realize it but I was grateful. I took Bella's face in my hands and pressed my lips firmly to hers. I kissed her has deeply as possible without losing complete control. I could feel the warmth from her lips spread through my body. I released her with great reluctance and rested my forehead on hers. To my surprise Bella was not the only one breathing heavy. Even though I didn't need to breath Bella managed to take my breath away. It was time for more confessions on my part. "You were better at it than I was, you know."

"Better at what?" Bella asked with a confused look on her face.

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was, totally useless. I couldn't be around my family, I couldn't be around anyone. I am embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me. It was more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too." If Bella only knew just how truly awful it was for me. I was pathetic, everything she did paled in comparison to my lack of will to exist. She at least functioned, I couldn't even do that. She was so much stronger than I could ever be. I looked at Bella lovingly. She didn't seem disturbed my confession if anything she seemed comforted.

"I only heard one voice," she corrected me playfully.

I laughed and pulled her to my side, leading her forward. It was time to bring her to my family for this ridiculous idea of voting on her mortality. "I'm just humoring you with this." I motion forward, with my free hand, toward the house. "It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say." My family would not vote against my wishes. Bella was my responsibility. I had brought her into this. My family had followed my wishes before and there was no reason for them to change now. I had made a bad choice when I decided that leaving Bella was the right thing to do. They didn't agree with me, especially Alice, but they followed my wishes. They would do the same now. They understood I couldn't take her soul. I said these things to reassure myself in some small way that I was right. I had to be right. They wouldn't disobey my wishes. Would they?

"This affects them now, too." I shrugged indifferently. We entered the house and I turned on the lights.

In a normal tone I called for family. "Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" They would hear and to be honest I was surprised Alice wasn't waiting at the door for us. She must have seen this coming. Carlisle was the first to arrive in the living room.

"Welcome back, Bella," he smiled at her, truly happy to have his family back together. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, this is not purely a social visit?" Indeed it was not. I hoped the others would soon be down so we could get this over with.

"I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important." Bella looked up at me to see what my expression was. Carlisle was already bombarding me with questions. I just nodded my head, ignoring all of the is everything ok questions. Of course everything was ok. Bella loved me still and we would get past this need of hers to be condemned to a life of damnation. It wouldn't happen, I wouldn't allow it.

"Of course," Carlisle replied. "Why don't we talk in the other room?" Carlisle led us to the dining room. Carlisle then pulled out the chair at the head of the table for Bella to sit in. As soon as Bella was sitting the rest of the family was filing into the dining room. Alice was grinning from ear to ear, she definitely knew what was going on. The others however were full of questions. What is going? Jasper was curious about the impromptu meeting. Edward, I hope this is happy news? Esme was always in the role of mother. Edward, is she angry with me? Rosalie was concerned that Bella had realized everything was her fault and had come to make her pay for it. It just showed how little Rosalie knew of Bella's character. Carlisle finally started the family meeting. Family, Bella was my family and she was human. It's hard to believe this was all possible. I hoped It would just stay that way. I couldn't damn her to life like this. I would not allow her to change.

"The floor is yours."

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	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. It'll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!**

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**Chapter 24: Vote**

Bella looked nervous as she began to address the family. She swallowed I reached for her hand under the table and held it tightly. She was still the bravest girl I ever knew, human or otherwise. I focused on my family preparing to hear their thoughts on this matter. Only one opinion could matter more than mine. The others had no real say. Carlisle, he was the head of the family in every way, both father and leader. His opinion mattered and could overrule mine. But he couldn't, he wouldn't possibly go against my wishes. He knew how I felt and he would respect that. My face was set in a fearsome expression looking out at my family waiting for Bella to reveal the reason we were here.

They would side with me, they knew how I felt.

"Well, I am hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"

"Everything," Alice assured her with a smile. She was enjoying this. She wanted Bella for a sister almost as much I wanted Bella all for myself. But where I had hesitation she did not. Not since the first time she saw me changing her in a vision. Alice never looked back from that point on in her mind Bella would always be one of us. Eventually entirely one of us.

"And on the way?" Bella asked uncertainly.

"That, too," Alice nodded. She was trying not to think about that conversation on the way, but unfortunately for her, Emmett gave her away. 'Alice offered to change her if you wouldn't.'

She said she would do it. She was officially in serious trouble. No wonder Bella was feeling more confident about talking to my whole family. She already had one blessing why not put it to a vote.

"Good. Then we are all on the same page." Bella took a moment to compose herself and slowly began to speak. "So I have a problem. Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I am sure that's a bad thing something to avoid" I took an account of everyone's thoughts at this point.

Esme was sympathetic, she knew I wanted Bella forever. She knew I loved and cared about her more than anything. But she knew I didn't want this life for her, but she also knew Bella did want this life.

Emmett already thought of Bella as a sister, part of the family. Just missing a few minor details. And he looked forward to the Volturi coming. He thought it would be entertaining.

Jasper blamed himself, he thought that all of this was his fault. I would have to talk to him, tell him he is not to blame. He wasn't the one that went to the Volturi, I was. That is souly my fault. I would have to live with those consequences, I was the one that brought them down on my family.

Rosalie was thinking about how this would benefit her. And that she hoped she would still be forgiven. Typical Rose, always about herself.

Alice was just angry, knowing I would pry. She told me things I already knew she wanted. Showing me the visions over and over again and then yelling at me for prying.

We were going to have a long talk after this was all said and done. After Bella was shyed away from her decision. How could she offer to change Bella? She knew my feelings on the matter and my reasons against it. Yet she still went against me and offered Bella the chance. I was angry at her for interfering on this matter. I had enough trouble controlling Bella's insane want to be a vampire with out her help.

Carlisle was last. What he thought mattered most. And everyone, including Bella, knew this.

Carlisle was not thinking anything about the situation, he was wondering what everyone else was thinking. This made me extremely nervous. Carlisle never hid his thoughts, he was always so open. The fact that he had no thoughts on the subject at hand made me anxious.

"And so, now, this involves all of you. I'm sorry about that." Bella looked around at each one them and then at me. I was frowning. This subject was not up for debate. But my family wouldn't side against, me, they couldn't. It also bothered me that Bella was apologizing for my mistakes. I had brought the Volturi down on this family not her. It was my fault that Bella even had to question her mortality. "But if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not." Esme went to speak but Bella held her hand up to stop her. "Please let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then. then I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have them coming here." A low growl built in my chest. She never mentioned going back to Italy, and it would never happen. Was she crazy; did she think I would actually let her go? What kind of insanity was this.

"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire." I listened in on everyone's thoughts.

Emmett was all for it. Knowing that deep down he thought this was what I wanted. was it? No I didn't want to risk her soul I wanted her forever, but at what cost?

Jasper just thought it would be much safer.

Esme already accepted her into the family. Knowing she wanted to be with me forever just as I wanted her.

Alice I kept a growl in. Alice wanted her ten times over. She still believed her vision would come true. One way or another Bella would be cold dead and immortal.

Rosalie was confused. She couldn't understand how any one would choice this life.

Rosalie wasn't thinking of herself but of Bella, interesting.

Again I saved Carlisle for last. Again he was just thinking about the others and of Bella's bravery for coming here to talk with us like this. He had not one thought about changing Bella. He was getting good at hiding his thoughts. This unnerved me. If Carlisle didn't want to change Bella than his thoughts would be clear. He must be thinking something he doesn't want me to know. He can't go against my wishes, Bella is my responsibility. I did this to our family. My rashness has put everyone in danger including Bella. There has to be a way to make this right, one that doesn't include Bella becoming one of the eternally damned. They couldn't side against me this easily. They just couldn't!

Bella gestured toward Carlisle to begin. I couldn't let her get off that easy. Or them for that matter. I had to have my say, prove my point before this got out of hand. It was ridiculas to vote. I knew my say, they could not go against that.

"Just a minute."

Bella glared at me through narrowed eyes trying to look fierce. I raised my eyebrows at her and gave her hand a squeeze under the table. "I have something to add before we vote." Bella sighed heavily. She couldn't possibly have thought I would let her be the only one to speak before this ridiculas vote.

"About the danger Bella is referring to, I don't think we need to be overly anxious." I placed my free hand on the table and leaned forward to emphasize my point. "You see there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in."

"Which was?" Alice wasn't pleased that I was stealing Bella's thunder but I wasn't going to let this go. She didn't need to be changed to be safe, for us to be safe.

"The Volutri are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?" I looked at Bella to make sure she was following. She shuddered at hearing his name. She remembered.

"He finds people, that's his talent, why they keep him. Now the whole time we were with any of them I was picking there brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker. a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do or what Aro does. He catches the, flavor? I don't know how to describe it, the tenor of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances. But after Aro's little experiments, well." I shrugged; it was simple really, he couldn't find Bella.

"You think he won't be able to find me." Bella's tone was unimpressed to say the least.

Smugly, I replied, "I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

"And how does that solve anything?"

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless." I was definitely enjoying this. "It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"

I exchanged a glance with Emmett.

"But they can still find you!" Bella was not happy about this at all.

"And I can take care of myself."

Emmett was thoroughly impressed with my ingenious plan. "Excellent plan, my brother." I reached my fist across the table and bumped it with Emmett's.

"No," Rosalie hissed after Emmett.

"Absolutely not." Bella and Rosalie agreed on something.

"Nice," Jasper appreciated my tactical plot. He would enjoy a good strategic battle after his years in the army.

"Idiots," Alice was with the rest of the girls on this one. Edward, do you not remember what we went through in Volterra? Do you really want the others to go through that? Do you want them all to experience Jane's torture? They would send Jane and she would be more than happy to do her job. Edward, think about the big picture and not just your beliefs.

Esme glared at me as her thoughts broke through all others. I knew I caused her pain in my absence. I also knew losing any of us would destroy her. Everything was my fault but I just couldn't bring myself to make it right.

"All right, then." Bella was taking back control. Nothing would deter her from her plan. "Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider," she was still so very unimpressed with my brilliant plan. "Let's vote."

She turned to me first. "Do you want me to join your family?" She already was my family; she was my life, the reason for my existence. But I couldn't take her soul. I wish I could make her understand.

"Not that way. You're staying human."

Bella nodded and moved on; she wasn't surprised by my vote nor was anyone else. I focused intently on everyone else's thoughts. I already knew Alice's vote.

"Alice?"

"Yes."

"Jasper?" Bella moved on.

Jasper's thoughts caught me off guard. It's for the best Edward. I'm sorry but I have to vote yes, for her safety and ours. "Yes." Bella was as surprised by his answer as was I. My family was disobeying my wishes one by one. It didn't matter it was still my choice. Unless, no he wouldn't he understood how I felt.

"Rosalie?"

"No." Rosalie was not thinking of herself completely when she voted nor was she thinking about me. She was only thinking about Bella. She wanted Bella to have a life, a human life and this surprised me. Bella went to move on but Rosalie felt she needed to explain.

"Let me explain," she threw her hands up and pleaded. "I don't mean I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that…this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote for me." She was being sincere; her thoughts did not betray her.

Bella nodded and turned to Emmett.

"Hell yes!" He beamed. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri." he told me he was sorry, but this was what was for the best. That I would want this deep down I wanted this if only I could see that. I could be with Bella forever and be happy. And he wanted me to be happy. He should have voted with me, sided with me, then I would have been happy. This was getting out of control. My entire family was going against me. I was all alone.

"Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of the family." Esme said, I knew her answer, she already thought of Bella as a daughter and just wanted to see me happy. If they wanted me to be happy then stop going against my wishes. I was not being stubborn or insane on this.

"Thank you, Esme." Bella was pleased to already be considered one of Esme's children. Last was Carlisle. I was nervous. What if the others influenced his opinion. What if he sided against me. He was the only hope I had left. He had to side with me. He wouldn't betray me.

Rosalie's reasons were understandable but not good enough to convince Carlisle that voting no was the best choice. My reasons were different, and he understood them but they might not be enough anymore. He had been so careful not to reveal any thoughts of his own on the matter. He couldn't possibly say yes. He knew that his vote would overrule mine and all my feelings toward this matter. He wouldn't do that to me. He understood. He had to.

Bella turned towards Carlisle but he was looking at me.

"Edward."

You must understand this has put us all In danger now. She has to be changed. it is for the best. For everyone. I know your feelings on this matter, but you have put us in danger. I do not blame you, but you must see that things are different now. We are on the Volturi's ray dare. We can not fight them. They will come looking for her. It is to dangerous for her to stay human. She wants this. She wants you forever. You honestly do not know the pain everyone went through when you were gone. The pain they went through thinking that Alice and Bella not might get to you in time. Esme never smiled she worred about you the entire time. Emmett was no longer Emmett and Jasper was so consumed with guilt. Alice was on a rampage. I can not allow that to happen to this family again Edward. Please understand. What if you ran off again, something sepereated the two of you. Or worse if something happened to her. You would go back to the Volturi because she is your life. Do you have any idea what you put Esme through when she thought you were going to die and how hard that was for me to watch. Picture Bella loosing one the most precious things to her in the in this world. I watched Esme live through that for the second time in her life, Edward. Everyone was changed in your absence and in Bella's. Losing either one of you is not an option. This is the only way. Please see that. Bella wants this. She wants to be with you forever. Just as you want to be with her. Why do you wish to put her in harms way? She will no longer be in harms way if she is changed. you can have her forever. This is the only way. I'm sorry Edward. Please be reasonable. This is the only way.

"No," I said though clenched teeth. My jaw strained tightly and my lips curled back from my teeth. How could he betray my wishes? A low growl built in my chest. Just the mention of the pain I had put the others through caused me pain. I can only imagine what Esme went through. I hated knowing I caused her pain but my pain consumed all the rationale thoughts I had. And Carlisle was right; I would go back if something happened to Bella. But that still does not give him the right.

"It's the only way that makes sense." Carlisle continued to explain his answer. "You've chosen not to live without her, and that leaves me no choice."

No choice, NO CHOICE! I can't believe he felt this was just his choice. I felt completely betrayed by Carlisle, the only father I've known for the last century. What father would wish this upon his child? He couldn't do it, he just couldn't. The anger inside me grew and I realized I might hurt Bella's hand if I squeezed it in during my rage. I dropped Bella's hand and shoved away from the table. As I stalked off out of the room. I cursed under my breath. I paced back and forth. This could not be happening.. How could he vote against me? He knew my wishes. He knew his vote would over rule mine. Still he voted yes. Bella would be a vampire. It was out of my hands now. A low, deep growl built in my chest, as I thought about Bella being changed some part of me was comforted. Relieved. I had struggled with this conflicted feeling for some time now. I was angry at myself for even having the smallest want to change her. This couldn't happen Bella couldn't be changed. I would not allow it. But they had voted against me, one by one I was betrayed by my family. Carlisle had over ruled me. My anger built up I couldn't control my self any longer. I lashed out at the closest thing to me.

I threw my fist down hard with such force that it shattered. Making a loud crash echo through the house. I growled heavily through clenched teeth. I had lost.

I snarled at the thought of Bella being changed. I had no choice left. There was no way around this. Bella had won. I kicked the pieces of my shattered piano.

The irony of it was brought on a hysterical laugh. I loved the piano and Bella and my entire family loved me playing it. Yet here it lay broken. Just like my trust for them all.

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	25. Chapter 25

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**Chapter 25: all I need**

I stood looking at the shattered pieces of the piano. My breathing was ragged and shallow. I had to control myself. There would be a way around this. I understood that Carlisle was doing what he thought was right, but it didn't have to be now. Wait a few years. The Volturi would not come soon. They would not be here tomorrow there was no need to rush this.

I started to calm myself, and then I heard Bella's voice from the other room.

"Well, Alice, where did you want to do this?" Absolutely not! What was she thinking!

"No! No! NO!" I roared as I re-entered the dining room. I moved directly in front of Bella. Staring down into her beautiful face, rage and tension filled my being completely. "Are you insane?" I shouted louder than I had meant too, but perhaps she would hear me better. "Have you utterly lost your mind?" Bella cringed away from me, trying to block the shouting from reaching her ears.

Alice was repentant for her role in this catastrophe. She was sorry. She just tried to get her through the plane ride, she also knew Bella wouldn't really want anyone to do it but me. The reality was they never would have been on the plane if it weren't for me. My actions again, had more severe consequences than I had ever imagined.

"Um, Bella," Alice's voice was tiny and anxious. "I don't think I am ready for that. I'll need to prepare."

"You promised," Bella said accusingly, trying to peak around me at Alice.

"I know, but. Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how not to kill you." again she apologized. It didn't help.

""You can do it," Bella cheered Alice on so she would take her soul. I couldn't believe what was happening. "I trust you." A primitive, furious snarl escaped me. This wasn't happening. Not only had they voted against me now they were deciding on whether to change her right here and now. This was insane literally insane.

Once Bella realized she wasn't going to get what she wanted from Alice she changed gears.

"Carlisle?" NO! How could she want this so badly? Before Bella could look at Carlisle I grabbed her face gently in one hand and forced her to look at me. I wanted her to see me for everything that I was. I wanted her to know how much I loved her even though I was a monster. I quickly outstretched my other hand at Carlisle, shoving my palm in his face. I was being an insolent child but I couldn't let him do it. Not now. What were they all thinking. Had they totally lost there minds while I was gone? It was like I was in some stupid sci fi movie. Invasion of the body snatchers. These could not be my family. My family would never have went against my wishes. Even thought I knew that wasn't true. I still could not accept the fact that they had.

"Edward, she has to be changed. You know that I can do it. I think that both you and Bella would prefer if you did. It would mean more and I know you are capable of doing it without killing her and you know it too. You think you are stealing her soul but we both know you can't live without her and in order for that to happen she has to be changed." I tried to ignore the things Carlsile was saying. Part of me agreed with all of it. The selfish part of me did want her all to myself and could change her. The other part, the part that Bella had awakened in me couldn't bear to think of taking anything from her, especially her soul. I was conflicted, not that I would actually admit that to any of them.

Carlisle ignored my hand in his face, "I'm able to do it. You would be in no danger of me losing control." He was pushing me into making a decision I wasn't ready to make. To have Carlisle oppose me so openly, on such an important issue hurt me. I knew why he was doing this. He knew deep down that this was what I wanted but I would never take it for myself. I couldn't justify stealing Bella's soul to fill my own needs and wants. It wasn't fair to have her give up so much, just to be with me.

"Sounds good," Bella tried to speak but my hand held her face awkwardly making her words sound funny. My jaw clenched and I exhaled slowly through my nose. I could feel defeat and I didn't like it. It wasn't supposed to be this way. They were my family, mine! They were supposed to be on my side!

"Hold on," I spoke through clenched teeth. "It doesn't have to be now."

"There's no reason for it not to be now," Bella responded angrily.

"I can think of a few." I replied nonchalantly.

"Of course you can," Bella replied sourly. "Now let go of me." I released Bella's face from my grasp and folded my arms across my chest. I had to make her see that it didn't have to happen right now. The possibility of being changed was still on the table just not right now. I had to have time to think.

"In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police." Charlie would kill me, or at least try to, if woke he up and Bella wasn't in her room.

"All three of them," Bella replied sarcastically but she seemed to weaken in her stance.

"In the interest of remaining inconspicuous," I spoke through gritted teeth, trying desperately to control my anger, while speaking to Carlisle, "I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house." it would by me some time atleast to try to talk her out of it. I knew it would never happen, but maybe I could reason with these possessed people who were my family. I still couldn't believe they were. They had went against me. Betrayed me. My onw family. It was just to much to believe. Unbelievable how easy they had done it too.

You are trying to postpone the inevitable. I'll give you until graduation to come to terms with this. Carlisle wasn't giving in on this topic.

"That is a reasonable request, Bella." Carlisle was finally agreeing with me on something. I had a few months to make her see there was a way around this; she didn't have to be changed. If I were being realistic though, it was just time for me to come to terms with Bella being a vampire. Plans were set in motion now that I had no say in. Bella looked frustrated at this suggestion and pursed her lips in contemplation.

"I'll consider it."

My whole body relaxed with the knowledge that I had time. I had time with Bella and time to figure out what to do about changing her.

You want this, Carlisle's words from earlier echoed in my head. The part of me that did want this was starting to over rule the part that didn't. I knew that I could change Bella. Carlisle had given me a choice then, leave the venom to change her or test my will drinking from her to remove the venom. I knew from the moment that I sucked the venom out that I was capable. The only choice Carlisle was giving me now was if I would do it or if he would. There was no choice whether or not for her to stay human. Now the only choice left was who would do it. I didn't like that at all.

"I should probably take you home," I was worried we had been gone to long. "Just in case Charlie gets up early."

Bella looked at Carlisle, "After graduation?"

"You have my word." Carlisle reminded me that I still had the choice to do it myself. That I should talk to Bella and find out what she wants. I didn't want to know what else she wants. Why must she be so difficult why must she want the one thing that I didn't want to give her. Why couldn't she be normal and want a car, or a house, or a pony! Anything but that.

Bella was pleased with Carlisle's response. She turned to me, her face beaming, "Okay. You can take me home now."

I walked Bella out of the house, taking the back way. I didn't want her to see the piano. That my anger had gotten the best of me and the poor piano had to pay the price.

I thought bout what Carlisle had said. I could do it myself, but part of me was still very afraid. What If I couldn't resist? What if I killed her? What if after she was changed she hated me for it? I didn't want her to regret it. We ran in silence to her house. Both of us had a lot on our minds. Bella was pleased by the outcome, I still could not believe it.

The whole time I was thinking about a way to postpone the inevitable. There had to be something that would make her want to wait. I thought about what I wanted. Before she was changed there was one thing I absolutely wanted us to do. I wasn't sure how Bella would respond. I thought some more about it and before I knew it we were at Bella's house. I quickly ran up the wall and gently deposited Bella on her bed. I paced the room contemplating my current thoughts. It could work, she might agree. I could feel Bella watching me suspiciously.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work."

"Shh. I'm thinking." I continued to plan how to address this very delicate topic. I wanted this more than anything while she was human. It was important, to me, that she have as many human experiences as possible. I knew we didn't have much time now. And I didn't want her to miss anything.

"Ugh," Bella wasn't pleased with me. She lay back on her bed and covered her face. I could not stand for that. I needed to see her. I slid into bed next and pulled the quilt away from her.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now, tell me something."

"What?" Bella asked with skepticism in her voice. She knew me well enough to know I was planning something.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?" I didn't know what to expect for an answer, but I could hope.

Bella looked at me doubtfully, "You."

I smiled inwardly, but shook my head at her, "something you don't already have." Bella paused contemplating her next words. I waited patiently for her response.

"I would want." she paused struggling to tell me what I already knew, "Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want you to change me." I thought about this. I could use this to buy some time. And to get what I wanted as well. Bella was what I wanted most and I wanted her to have ever human experience possible before she was changed.

She wanted me to change her, just like Carlisle had suspected. I could do it, I knew I could. Now that I knew what she wanted, I thought about what I wanted.

It was simple, I wanted Bella to be my wife, I wanted her to be mine in every way possible. The right way. Never before in my existence had I felt so strongly for anyone. I didn't always consciously know I had feelings for Bella, but from the beginning I had always wanted to protect her. That single instinct had grown into a love that was unparalleled. Bella looked surprised at my reaction. She had probably expected the same angry reaction I always had when talking about her soul. Things were different now, the choice was not my own. I was going to make the best of this situation no matter what. I looked deeply into her eyes calculating my next move.

"What would you be willing to trade for that?" As hard as it was, I stayed composed waiting patiently for her answer.

"Anything." The word was out of her mouth before she had even thought about what I was asking. A faint smile crossed my lips. She had inadvertently given me the upper hand, not that it would help much. Bella was stubborn, and she wanted this existence more than anything.

"Five years?" I knew she would never agree but when bargaining you always have to start higher than what you would settle for. Her face twisted in horrific shock. The age thing, it always went back to that. Even though I couldn't read her mind I knew that look. "You said anything," I reminded her gently.

"Yes, but, you'll use the time to find a way out of it," She said accusingly. "I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human for me, at least. So, anything but that." I frowned. Danger, it followed her everywhere because of me. I had invited her into a world that wasn't safe. MY world was no place for a human, but I couldn't help myself; she called to me. She was everything I never knew I wanted.

"Three years?" I could try, but I knew she wouldn't buy that either.

"No!"

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?" I feigned shock at her rejection. I watched her closely.

"Six months?" I rolled my eyes at her poor attempt. That time frame didn't put her much past graduation. I wanted her to experience so much more as a human.

"Not good enough."

She bit her bottom lip making her next decision carefully. "One year, then. That's my limit." She had given more than I ever thought she would. She really did want me to change her more than anything else. If I had a heart it would have leapt at the thought. But I had to try and push for more.

"At least give me two years."

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere near twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I," she said indignantly. A new thought had crossed my mind. There were things that I wanted more than Bella remaining human. I feared what she might say, that it would be too much, too soon. I was a creature who could not be destroyed by normal means, but without her I would shatter, become a shadow of what I really was. I decided it was worth facing my fear. She was worth everything I had in this existence.

"All right. Forget the time limits. If you want me to be the one then you'll just have to meet one condition." I held my breath watching her delicate features for a response. She looked at me skeptically.

"Condition?" she asked flatly. "What condition?" I felt shaky and weak. Vampires were not supposed to feel that way. I inhaled deeply, steadying myself before I spoke.

"Marry me first." The words came slower than I had intended; nerves were definitely taking hold of my normally infallible façade. What if she didn't want me like that? What if she said no?

She stared at me, somewhat in shock. I waited patiently for her response, my anxiety rising with each tick of her heart beat, which quickened at my proposal.

"Okay. What's the punch line?" I sighed and looked away from her. She really didn't believe me, or she didn't want to believe me.

"You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it is a joke."

"Edward, please be serious." I stared at her. She really didn't think I was being serious. I was slightly wounded by her response.

"I am one hundred percent serious." I continued to stare at her, thinking about how to recover from what was now sure to happen. Bella would reject me and kick me out; after everything that had happened this was too much.

"Oh, c'mon," Bella sounded slightly hysterical. Her heart raced faster. "I'm only eighteen."

"Well, I'm nearly one hundred and ten. It's time I settled down," I said laughing internally. In all my years no one had captured me the way Bella had. She looked out the window. She was definitely beginning to panic. Her heart raced, so easily giving her away. Did she not want me? Or was it just the marriage thing in general that scared her?

"Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Charlie and Renee." She was speaking rapidly, obviously nervous. I found it ironic that she had used the term kiss of death because that is exactly what it would be for her. If she married me I would change her. We could be together forever.

"Interesting choice of words."

"You know what I mean," she replied, frustrated.

I inhaled deeply trying to figure out if Bella was really rejecting me or if she was just scared. It was hard to tell. More than ever I wanted to be able to read her thoughts. She was willing to give her soul up for me but not willing to marry me. It was truly unbelievable. "Please don't tell me you're afraid of the commitment."

"That's not it exactly," Bella inhaled deeply trying to explain. "I'm, afraid of Renee. She has really intense opinions on getting married before your thirty."

"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married." I laughed darkly. Bella never said what I thought she would. Becoming a vampire, she was all for it. Getting married scared her to death.

"You think you're joking."

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire." I shook my head. It was hard to believe that she was so willing to be with me forever as a vampire but not as my wife. I was a bit confused. "If you're not brave enough to marry me, then." Panic crossed her face.

"Well," she interrupted trying to think of something to regain the edge. "What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"

I smile widely. She was lying, testing me to see if I were serious. "Sure, I'll get my car."

"Dammit." Bella muttered, not expecting me to call her bluff. "I'll give you eighteen months." Marriage must really terrify her if she was willing to give me that much time.

"No deal," I grinned. "I like this condition."

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate," she said indignantly.

"If that's what you really want." I shrugged indifferently at her attempt to force my hand. I smiled at her.

"You're impossible," she whined, "a monster." I laughed lightly, another interesting choice of words.

"Is that why you won't marry me?" I leaned toward her, taking in every inch of my beautiful Bella. "Please, Bella?" I knew I was dazzling her. It wasn't exactly playing fair, and she knew it. She stepped away from me and shook her head.

"Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?"

"No! No rings!" Bella nearly shouted the words at me, and Charlie had heard her.

"Now you've done it," I whispered softly. Not that Charlie would ever catch me, but if he even suspected I was here things would be bad for Bella.

"Oops." Bella bit her lower lip.

"Charlie's getting up; I better leave." I sighed heavily. The last thing I wanted to do was leave Bella ever again. Bella's response was more than I could hope for. Her body told me she didn't want me to leave. The expression on her face was fear. "Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?"

"No," Bella shook her head eagerly. "Stay. Please." I smiled at Bella and ducked into the closet. I thought about all that had transpired in the last day. Bella was so determined to be one of us, and I had finally started to resolve myself to the possibility. There was an inner struggle that still gripped me. Her soul was so precious it couldn't possibly be worth giving up for me. I felt torn. I wanted her, forever. But what if Carlisle wasn't right, and there was no afterlife for creatures such as us. Could I do that to Bella?

I could hear Charlie's thoughts as he approached

Charlie thought about the time he had called Renee to help Bella. It was so hard for him, reaching out to Renee. She doubted Charlie's ability to take care of Bella, especially after Phoenix. Bella fought the move, and Charlie knew why: she hoped I would come back. He was grateful in his own way, but worried more than ever that I would return. After Renee left, Bella walked like a ghost through the house daily; she looked lifeless. These memories pained me. I couldn't believe the damage I had done. I meant to give Bella a new chance at life, but all I did was damage her.

The door cracked open.

"Morning dad." Bella responded.

"Oh, he, Bella." he was slightly embarrassed to get caught checking up on her. "I didn't know you were awake." he replied.

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower." I heard Bella say as she started to get up.

"Hold on." He said as I saw light suddenly come through the crack near the floor. "Lets talk for a minute first." Bella was not going to like this.

"You know your in trouble."

"Yeah I know."

"I just about went crazy the last three days. I come home from Harry's funeral, and your gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when, or if, you were coming back. Do you have any idea how, how," He couldn't manage to finish his sentence. He was afraid Bella had run off and left him like Renee. "Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?" I could here him trying to fight off his anger.

I knew Bella wasn't going to take kindly to threats, poor Charlie.

"Because I wont go." She said stubbornly.

"No just one minute, young lady."

Bella didn't let him finish. "Look, dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too. But that wont make me go to Florida."

He tried to keep his temper under control. I heard his pulse quicken and his heart beat increase.

"Would you like yo explain where you've been?"

"There was." She paused I could here she was nervous. "An emergency."

Charlie didn't respond.

I heard Bella exhale loudly. "I don't know what tell you, dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand.

He was confused so he just waited or her to continue.

"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff." she stopped. Charlie's thoughts were frantic. He had no idea about the cliff diving. "I guess I didn't tell you about that." She choked out. "It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of accidentally made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to." she paused. "L.A, to explain in person.

Charlie's thoughts suddenly changed from despair and anger to hope. When I saw why I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Jacob Black. Charlie held out hope that Jacob would take her from me. He remembered Bella and Jacob holding hands and her smiling for the first time. He had so much hope for them. The flood of memories Charlie had of Bella and Jacob together ripped at my very being. I had left her in the hands of that mongrel. I would not make that mistake twice. Charlie's voice brought me back to the current conversation.

"Were you trying to kill yourself, Bella?" He sounded frustrated and scared of the answer. I still wondered about this myself. Bella had said she was only cliff diving but she was doing it to hear my voice. Something about it didn't seem right.

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake." Jake, she said his name so casually. He definitely had a place in her heart; I could tell from her tone. "Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time, like I said, nothing.:

Bella didn't understand the danger the werewolves posed. They were volatile and had no control. I worried more about this new complication than I had before. Jacob was firmly implanted in this family, and I wasn't sure how that would resolve itself. I didn't see us being friends anytime soon. Sworn enemies kind of made things difficult.

"What is it to Edward Cullen anyway?" He barked. "All this time, he's just ;left you dangling without a word.."

"Another misunderstanding." Bella cut him off.

"So is he back?" he knew the answer but he hated the idea of it.

"I'm not sure what the exact plan is, I think they all are."

"I want you to stay away from him. Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I wont let him mess you up like that again."

"Fine." my head was spinning, was she agreeing to stay away from me? Did she no longer want me in her life?

"Oh." I heard the shock in his voice. The same shock that had went through me. "I thought you were going to be difficult."

"I am." She responded. I was slightly confused. "I meant, Fine, I'll move out." Oh Bella. So stubborn. I smiled at the realization she was just arguing with Charlie. Trying to push him into a corner so he had no choice but to allow me to see her. And vise versa.

He stood there, I could almost feel the heat coming from him as his anger rose.

"Dad, I don't want to move out." Bella said in a softer more loving tone. "I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?" it was almost like an ultimatum

"That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay."

"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am."

"Not under my roof." Charlie yelled.

I heard Bella sigh. "Look, I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight, or I guess it's morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella." Charlie was fuming.

"Think it over." she insisted. "And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy. I really need a shower." Bella sounded so confident.

Charlie was furious. He thought of many ways to handicap me and even a few ways of how to dispose of my body. It was going to take a long time before Charlie even came close to trusting me again. He left Bella's room stomping down the stairs and cursing me in his mind the whole time.

I came out from the closet and into the rocking chair. Bella threw off her quilt.

"Sorry about that," Bella whispered, slightly embarrassed by Charlie's rage. I understood. He had every right to hate me.

"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse," I mumbled, more aware now of all the damage I had done. "Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please." I didn't want to be the reason for the downfall of their relationship, although that seemed more and more inevitable.

"Don't worry about it," Bella breathed heavily as she gathered her shower things. "I will start exactly as much as necessary, and no more than that." Bella widened her eyes in false alarm. "Or are you trying to tell me I have no where to go?"

"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?" I was slightly shocked at Bella's willingness to move in with me.

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides, if Charlie kicks me out, then there is no reason for a graduation deadline, is there?"

I clenched my jaw at her words. She was so stubborn on this matter. "So eager for eternal damnation."

"You know you don't really believe that," she said smugly.

"Oh, don't I?" I replied furiously. This topic still didn't sit well with me.

"No, you don't," she sounded sure of this. I was beginning to wonder if she would read minds now. I went to speak, to refute her allegations, but she cut me off.

"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't you said 'Amazing, Carlisle was right.'" She reminded me of that brief moment when I truly did believe that we were both dead and somehow, even without a soul, I could be with my angel. "There's hope in you after all." I sat there speechless, as she looked at me triumphantly. "So let's both just be hopeful, alright?" Bella suggested softly. Hope it was such a simple word yet it filled my being. "Not that is matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven." She was so beautiful, and she never ceased to amaze me. I rose slowly, even for a human; I stood in front of Bella and place my hands on either side of her face. The warmth of her face penetrated through my skin to my very being. I stared into her rich brown eyes, still slightly shocked by her statement. Bella had grown in the time we were apart, and I wanted nothing more that to be with her. Forever. But I still wanted her to have as many human experiences as possible.

"Forever," I spoke the word softly, the shock still resonating with me.

"That's all I'm asking for," she replied happily, stretching up on her toe to kiss me. This was my heaven. I wouldn't need anything more as long as I had her. The past mistakes faded from my mind replaced with thoughts of a beautiful future.

She stood her tippy toes so she could reach, she gently pressed her lips against mine. That was all I needed.

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	26. Chapter 26

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**Epilogue**

The memories of everything which happened in Italy were etched in my mind forever. I could never forget the fear in Bella's eyes or the horrors which I put her through. I knew that she also hadn't forgotten because she kept talking about it in her sleep. I had not only done it to Bella, but my entire family. I had put them through hell.

But eventually things finally settled down.

For the most part. My family kept a watchful eye on me. All but Alice. She knew there was nothing to worry about. At least yet. They would ask me on a daily basis how I was. What I was doing, how I was feeling, how was Bella. Over and over again. I knew they did it because they cared, but it was almost over bearing. I had finally reached my boiling point one day and I blew up on them. Telling them I was fine. Well more like screaming that I was fine. I could still hear there thoughts they still questioned whether I would up and leave and pull a suicidal mission again. I didn't understand it, I had Bella. There was nothing else I wanted more.

The people at the hospital were more than happy to hear Carlisle had decided to rejoin them. They had told him how glad they were that sunny LA didn't work out for them.

I was still distraught over the state I had left Bella in. I didn't know I was leaving her like that. Alice had tried to warn me but I wouldn't listen. If I could only turn back time and change what happened. I had only wanted to make things better for Bella. Allow her to experience every possible human experience. With me that wouldn't be possible.

I sighed. I still wanted her to experience as many of those human moments as possible, before, I still didn't like the idea of her becoming a vampire, but she was as stubborn as ever.

She was stronger than I had ever imagined, she had been through everything, lived through Volterra, and still wanted to be with me. Forever.

I couldn't believe that Bella was behind in calculus. She was never behind in anything. Alice and myself were obviously ready for god knows how many times to graduate. I decided that I would help her, and make her understand why good grades were important. That was something else that Bella got angry and irritated about every time it was brought up. College. She had her mind set on becoming a vampire after graduation. I shuddered at the thought of my beautiful warm blushing Bella, cold, and hard. Soulless.

Carlisle had actually agreed to do it. He had actually went against my wishes. She later told me that she would rather I be the one to do it, but I didn't want to be the one to take her life, to stop her beating heart, to damn her to eternity. I don't agree with Carlisle that our souls remain intact after we become vampires. That we have a place after this. There was no logic to it? How could a monster be granted a place in heaven? Maybe I had softened, I had started to believe deep down, or at least hope that he was right. How else would I have believed that when Bella came for me in Italy, I was debating whether or not I was in hell or not. But that still doesn't make me completely sure that our souls are not destroyed. I don't want to take any risks with Bella, and I cannot damn her soul. And on the other hand, it pained me to see how eager she was to be like me. Cold, hard, and heartless. It hurt to think of how, after changing her, I would never see her blush red again, never hear her heart thump erratically when she saw me or when I touched her, never feel her warm touch.

My mind was set on making sure she was accepted into a good college so everday I saw her during our time we were allowed. I cheerfully brought her stacks of college applications, she was annoyed. But Charlie was thankful for me insisting on good colleges for her. She was not allowed out of the house and I was only allowed in during specified times during the day. Charlie almost always avoided me. He had no clue that as soon as he was asleep I came back in through the window in Bella's room, and held his daughter into the night.

There was still another problem to deal with. Bella was still trying to talk to Jacob Black. As much as I despised that mongrel. I really didn't have much of a choice in the matter but to let her try. She called him only after I had left at nine. Much to my anger and to Charlie's pleasure. He was happy and hopeful to have Jacob back, hoping that he could sway Bella from me. Bella was sad, and she felt guilty that she couldn't keep both me and Jacob happy. She felt bad for not thinking of him more than she did. She could tell my face expressions every time she mentioned his name how I felt about it. I hated him. I tried to hide it, but I knew it didn't always work. My insides felt like they were on fire, and I would again feel guilty that I had left her in such danger. That while I was gone, she had to be comforted by that dog.

On Saturday when I had picked her up from work, she had lost her temper about the mutt.

"It's just plain rude! Downright insulting!" She angrily ranted on.

"Billy said he didn't want to talk to me," she huffed with anger looking out at the rain. I suppressed a smile. I was happy the dog was at least smart enough to stay away from her now that I was back.

"That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!" How could she think like that? Who could hate such a warm, caring person like her? She was under the impression that Jacob and now Billy hated her.

"It's not you, Bella" I said quietly, stating the obvious. I couldn't imagine anyone hating her, except perhaps Victoria. But no, then again, Victoria hated me. I was the one who killed James, not Bella. "Nobody hates you."

"Feels that way," she mumbled and wrapped her arms around herself. It was an action which until recently puzzled me. A few nights ago, she told me that she used to hug herself when she was in pain. Not physical pain, emotional pain. She didn't want to tell me, but I eventually persuaded her to tell me. She said that now that I am here with her again, she doesn't feel that way anymore. But that didn't erase the habit, she had explained to me. A feeling of sadness shot through me like a knife stabbing me as I saw this. The habit had formed because of me. And now it continued because the sadness she felt toward him.

"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you," I said. How I wished I could say something which made her feel good. "He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."

"That's stupid. He knows you're not, like other vampires" She was so naïve. Didn't she know that however hard we tried to be 'vegetarians', it could slip sometimes? Did she forget what had happened at her birthday party? It showed me how much she really loved me. She trusted me so blindly.

"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance away." I said unwillingly. I knew now the pain of being separated from Bella. She was the love of my existence. If my heart was beating, her name would be etched in every heartbeat. I would love her till the end of eternity. Anyhow, I glanced at her from the corner of my eye to see if she reacted to my words.

"Bella, we are what we are," I told her calmly. "I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k—" oh no. Wrong choice of words, I thought. I stopped and held my breath for a second and then continued immediately and quickly in a very slightly strained voice. "Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."

I don't think she heard the tension in my voice. Now I looked at her, turning my head. She had a shocked expression on her face. I quickly looked ahead, in case she decided to look at me. I cursed myself inwardly for slipping like that. I knew she would be hurt by my words, because she was appalled by the idea that I would kill her werewolf friend. I could only anticipate her reaction. I risked another glance in her direction and saw that her face was pale white. It would be only seconds before she responded.

"Edward Cullen," her voice had diminished to a whisper, pronouncing each word distinctly as though she couldn't comprehend what I had said. "Were you about to say 'killed him'? Were you?"

I looked ahead as soon as I said those words. I knew that they would not go unobserved. The signal turned from red to green. I wouldn't have noticed it so clearly otherwise, but I was concentrating on driving for what seemed like the first time. Even then, I drove very, very slowly. Glancing down, I saw that I was going only at 40miles per hour. I knew my words would hurt her, but what more did she expect? She knows that vampires and werewolves have been enemies for much too long. Does she want me to praise him to the stars or something? I tried to form some response, something to justify myself, at least. But nothing came to me. I structured my next sentence extremely carefully.

"I would try, very hard, not to do that." I finally said after much consideration. From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella gaping at me with her mouth hanging open.

Bella seemed to be debating something and shook her head to clear her confusion.

"Well," she took a deep breath and continued "Nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. And you know Charlie's staring at the clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late." She turned her head and half smiled. But my face became hard like stone. I stiffened as I heard Charlie's thoughts. 'Where is Bella? Where is she? OH she is going to be in so much trouble when she comes home. Is she aiming for a life sentence? it's a good thing Jake was responsible. He is the sensible one. I'm glad he could be trusted enough to tell me the truth about the bikes. She could have been killed! What was she thinking. God I am going to kill her myself. How dare she do this, was she crazy? First she jumps off a cliff, how insane was that. Then she runs away for three days! I have no idea where she was. For three whole days she was gone without a word, and she comes back with, uh him. Edward. And now this. She is in so much trouble. She is going to be grounded for the rest of her life. Its going to be back to an amish existence for her! No phone, no T.V, no truck. She'll be lucky if I let her shower!' his ranting continued like that.

I froze, Bella's heart thumped louder than usual as she recognized the shocked expression I held on my face.

"You're already in more trouble, Bella." My voice couldn't handle more than a whisper as I tried to digest what Charlie was thinking. I stared at Bella's house in horror. What the hell did that dog want from us? Bella clutched my arm and followed my gaze. At first, she couldn't see it.

"What? What is it?"

I hesitated and said "Charlie..."

"My dad?" she asked confused. I looked down at her, controlling my emotions and finally smoothed my face into a calm mask. She looked a little eased by my calmness.

"Charlie. is probably not going to kill you, but he's thinking about it" I said as I drove past the Swan residence. I stopped a little past the house and parked near the dense forest cover. Instantly I heard another person's thoughts. Jacob Black.

Fury and rage consumed in an instant and for that moment I really felt like killing him. What did Bella do to deserve this, I asked myself? True, she may have left him, to save me, but she felt obliged to do it, I didn't ask her to.

'how long is the stupid leech going to take? Dumb bloodsucker.' even the dogs thoughts were crude. I shook with anger.

Bella looked incredibly upset. Poor girl. She's already been through so much. How could Jacob Black do this to her? Does he want to kill her? Or Charlie? He's probably hyperventilating right now.

"What did I do?" she gasped.

I had best get this over with before Charlie gets even angrier. I glanced back at the house.

Finally, the object in the driveway caught her attention. A shiny red motorcycle was parked next to Charlie's cruiser. It was impossible to miss. I watched her as she put two and two together and figured out what had happened. I saw many emotions flit across her face. Hurt, sadness, betrayal, outrage, but mostly anger and fury. Suddenly Bella's heartbeat became a loud fury buzz.

"No!" she gasped. "Why? Why would Jacob do this to me?" I was speechless. Honestly, I didn't know what to say and I didn't think words would be enough. It took me a minute to realize that she was shaking. Her whole body trembled with a rage that I had rarely seen. "Is he still here?" Bella hissed through her clenched teeth. I nodded my head and looked towards the path leading into the forest.

"Yes, he's waiting for us there." Before I could say anything else, Bella had leaped up with her fists clenched up into balls. I chuckled. My, my, wouldn't it be entertaining to watch Bella punch him? I got out at ignoring my speed and caught her around the waist before she got onto the path. Bella's face was livid and her eyes were furious.

She looked angrier than I had ever seen her. She shouted at me.

"Let me go! I'm going to murder him! Traitor!" I didn't like her attitude. Why was she shouting? I tuned into Charlie's thoughts. Thank god, he didn't hear anything. I looked at Bella and said "Charlie will her you. And once he gets you inside, he'll brick over the doorway." She suddenly realized that and took a look back towards the house.

"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie." She tried to persuade me. I looked her in the eye and corrected her misconception. She tried to break free from my grasp.

"Jacob Black wants to see me. That's why he's still here" That did it. Bella stopped struggling and her hands became limp.

"Talk?" She asked warily.

"More or less." I replied coolly. Probably Jacob felt the same way about meeting as me, and if Bella wasn't there, the only thing that would've stopped me was the treaty.

"How much more?" Her voice shook with anxiety. She was angry with him, but she didn't want him hurt or dead. Again I had to admire Bella. She can never keep a grudge against anyone. That was one of the things I loved so much about her. I lovingly smoothed her hair as I assured her.

"Don't worry, he's not here to fight me. He's acting as, spokesperson for the pack." I wanted to fight him, murder him, if Bella didn't care about them so much I probably would have.

Bella was confused the only thing she could say was "Oh."

I could hear Charlie muttering to himself impatiently. I tightened my hold on Bella as I heard Jacob's thought. He was also getting impatient. I pulled Bella towards the woods.

"We should hurry. Charlie's getting impatient." I took her hand and started up the path. Jacob Black was waiting there, not very deep into the forest, leaning against a tree, his face showing signs of anger and impatience. He looked at Bella before turning his eyes on me.

I tried to block his thoughts from my mind. There was nothing good in there. It didn't work, he was almost shouting. He thought that I was arrogant. He only came because Sam sent him, to remind me of the treaty. He was hoping we would bite someone, how little he really knew.

I had to raise my head to look at his face. Of course, he was now taller. That was one thing I wasn't very fond of about werewolves, the fact that they were taller. It's not like it gave them an unfair advantage or something, but I hated that I had to look up to them. But no, there was no feeling of inferiority. I halted abruptly leaving a wide gap between us. I had to be under control.

I looked at Bella, her anger faded into sadness. I saw it in her eyes.

"Bella" Jacob acknowledged her, not tearing his gaze from me, as though waiting for me to unexpectedly attack him.

I had to keep a hold of my anger, if I attacked him the treaty would be broken, and I would not be the one to break it, not after so long. If they had enough tolerance then so would I. also I knew Bella would not like it if I attacked any of them. It would cause her to much pain, and I would no cause her anymore pain than I already had.

"Why?" she sounded like she would break into tears at any moment. I inwardly cursed him again. "How could you do this to me, Jacob?" Jacob's face softened, but remained cold and hard.

"It's for the best." He said indifferently.

"What is that supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to strangle me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to him?" Bella choked on the last word. Thank god that he finally reacted. For a minute, I almost thought that he was cold hearted. How ironic. He winced at her words. He wasn't ready to respond to that so I did it for him. Maybe he didn't want to admit to Bella that he had done wrong.

"He didn't want to hurt anyone, he just wanted to get you grounded so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me." I explained in a low voice. Jacob glared at me with hatred.

Bella had an exasperated look on her face.

"Aw, Jake!" She looked frustrated. "I'm already grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?" That stumped him. He took a quick look at me and looked confused. Well, it's about time. Stupid mongrel.

He looked very sorry. Time for me to irritate him again, I thought impishly.

"He thought I wouldn't let you, not Charlie," I explained to Bella. It worked. He looked angry.

"Stop that," he snapped at me. I didn't reply to that. I have to control myself, for Bella, at least.

He shuddered and grinded his teeth together. I could literally hear the efforts which he was taking to control himself as his hands clenched into fists.

"Bella wasn't exaggerating about your, abilities. So you must already know why I'm here." Whatever our differences may be, I needed to say one thing before he opens hostilities.

"Yes," I said quietly. "But, before you begin, I need to say something." I saw him looking at me, puzzled, waiting for me to start. He was clenching and unclenching his fists and shivering with the rage that had consumed him just seconds before. I didn't want to do this, but it was necessary I would always be grateful to him in some small way, no matter how small.

"Thank you," I said, surprised at how gratitude-filled, my voice sounded. I could hear the sincerity as I continued. "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my, existence." Hah, I stunned him. He looked at me, perhaps more confused than before. I saw him exchange a glance at Bella, who, to my surprise also looked baffled. I decided to make myself more clear. "For keeping Bella alive when I … didn't." I made a note to myself never to leave Bella again. Why I did it in the first place, I could not understand at this moment.

"Edward." Bella started to speak, but I held up my hand to silence her, still looking at Jacob. A sudden comprehension spread across Jacob's face and he became stiff again.

"I didn't do it for your benefit." He told me coldly.

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you." It amazed me how these words were coming from the depths of my heart. Love did that. I was wrong to leave Bella. I loved her. And she loved me. And all these months apart showed me that true love doesn't just disappear. It remains on earth like a legend, an example for those who love. _I_

'leave now then leech. I love Bella, I can give her so much more. Leave now. Can you do that?' he was testing my patience.

I shook my head.

"That's not in my power." I stated plainly. He looked angry now.

"Whose, then?" he snarled at me.

I looked down and was lost in Bella's soft brown eyes. "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here till she orders me away." Bella stared into my eyes for an instant and she understood what she didn't hear. I saw the realization in her face.

"Never," she whispered not looking away from me. I heard Jacob make a gagging sound. I turned my head and glared at him. Before I could say anything, Bella spoke.

"Was there something else you needed, Jacob? You wanted me in trouble, mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do that. What more do you want?" Bella said acidly. Jacob kept his eyes on me. I smiled at Bella's cool words.

"I needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute." He said finally. I got a little annoyed when I saw that he was controlling himself with so much effort. But he was merely a young werewolf. It would take more time for him to perfect his self control.

"We haven't forgotten," I stated blandly. At the same time, Bella asked, "What key points?" Jacob frowned at me while answering Bella's question.

"The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. Bite, not kill," He looked at Bella harshly. Though I was the one who could read minds, with Bella being the one exception, it seemed like he knew that Bella had made up her mind about becoming a vampire, a decision which even now, I had difficulty agreeing to and accepting. Did she tell him?

He has emphasized on the word 'bite'. I had known that I would break the treaty. That's why we would have to leave. Bella's face turned paler, she must have put two and two together.

Then, to my surprise, she replied in a voice just as cold as his, "That's none of your business." She snapped at him.

Her words hit their target. Jacob hadn't known that he was right, even though he was just passing on a message.

"The hell it –" He spluttered, not able to finish his sentence.

'She's going to become one of them! My best friend and the only person who I've ever truly loved is going to become my worst enemy. Just thinking about it makes me want to rip out his throat. I know that he's the one who persuaded Bella to do this. No, NO! I can't let this happen. He will not do this not to my Bella. Never allow it' he was shouting in his head. His mind was buzzing with fury/

My stance immediately became alert, in case I had to grab Bella and run.

He hadn't known that Bella intended to become a vampire. That she had numbered her heartbeats. He was going to lose control.

Jacob's face turned a sickly green and he looked like he was using all his strength to control himself. Bella hesitated and took a half-step toward him.

"Jake? You okay?"

I caught Bella by her waist and pushed her behind me. There was no way she was getting near that werewolf when he looked like he was on the verge of phasing.

If I had it my way she wouldn't be near the wolf again.

"Careful, he's not under control." I warned Bella. I could never let anything hurt my Bella. She doesn't realize how dangerous werewolves are, especially the young ones. Jacob was starting to regain control and now only his arms were shivering. He gave me menacing look of pure hatred and growled at me,

"Ugh. I would never hurt her." His implications didn't go unnoticed, neither by myself, nor Bella. She glared at him. I hissed under my breath.

I heard him try to keep himself under control, thinking of Bella, and how close she was. He didn't worry about me, he would have liked to rip me apart the only thing keeping him from doing so was the same thing that kept me, the treaty and Bella.

"BELLA!" Charlie's furious voice echoed throughout the woods. I could just imagine how much trouble Bella would be in. "YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!" All three of us stood completely still, in silence.

"Crap." Muttered Bella, her voice shook.

Jacob looked apologetic. He looked more calm. Stupid mongrel this was his fault. "I am sorry about that," he mumbled. "I had to do what I could, I had to try."

"Thanks." Bella's sarcasm was ruined by the shaking of her voice. She was still upset. Well, she had every right to be. She looked down the path, as though expecting something.

"Just one more thing," I added to Bella. I turned to Jacob, directing my next question at him. "We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line, have you?"

"The last time was while Bella was, away. We let her think she was slipping through, we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her" Bella shivered. "But then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since." I nodded my head in understanding.

"When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll " He rudely interrupted me. I narrowed my eyes.

"She killed on our turf. She's ours!" Jacob snarled at me through clenched teeth.

"No," Bella opposed both of us. I knew she was frightened. But Victoria would die.

"BELLA! I SEE HIS CAR AND I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T INSIDE THIS HOUSE IN ONE MINUTE!" Charlie shouted again. He didn't finish his sentence, but I had a pretty good idea of what to expect when we got back to Bella's house.

"Let's go," I urged her. Why wasn't she coming? Bella looked back at Jacob, a pained expression on her face.

"Sorry. Bye, Bells." Jacob whispered. Bella looked like she could barely hear him. But I heard him perfectly.

"You promised," she pleaded. "Still friends, right?" Her eyes held a strange desperation. Jacob shook his head. Bella looked hurt.

"You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but, I can't see how to keep trying. Not now." His face was a mask of indecision.

Jacob's face became sad. "Miss you." He reached out his hand towards Bella, trying to close the space that separated them.

"Me, too," Bella struggled to speak. She stretched out her hand too, but it wasn't enough. They couldn't bridge the distance. Now it was time for me to intervene, as she tried to take a step forward, towards him.

I can't allow this. We have to go. Charlie is waiting. But I knew I was just using this excuse to cover up the real reason why I wanted to leave. I had to get Bella away from him.

"Jake." my arms became stiff, and I held her in an iron grasp.

"It's ok." She assured me, looking into my eyes. No, I couldn't let her see my weakness. And it wasn't ok; she couldn't just go to him like that, werewolf, or not. I wiped my face of all expression before my emotions betrayed me. I made my eyes indifferent and looked coldly at her.

"No. It's not." I disagreed harshly. There would be no compromises.

"Let her go," Jacob's anger flared again, just like mine. "She wants to!" He took two large steps forward. He started shaking again, much less than before, but nonetheless it was shaking. I yanked Bella behind me and spun to look at Jacob.

"No! Edward!" Bella protested.

"ISABELLA SWAN!"

Charlies angry thoughts were in an uproar. I had to get Bella out of there, for more than one reason.

"Come on! Charlie's mad!" Bella's voice had risen a couple of octaves and she looked anxious.

"Hurry!" She pulled me towards the path and I felt myself automatically relaxing. Anything to get away from Jacob. But I kept my eyes on him till we reached the end of the forest, still alert, still protecting Bella. Jacob was still scowling at us, until we left. His face suddenly fell and I saw the pain on every inch of his russet brown skin.

He argued with himself to come grab Bella from me. He decided against it.

My arm was securely around Bella's waist and I held her close. I was never going to let her go again. I looked at her. She had squeezed her eyes shut. She opened her eyes when we walked past the trees and saw Charlie's murderous expression. I felt her cringe and gently squeezed her in reassurance.

"I'm here." I promised. I would never leave her again. She took a deep breath, calming herself. I was comforted by that. I heard Charlie's thought shouting at me again. He was not going to be happy.

I held Bella's warm, soft hand in mine as we walked towards her house.

It was like walking into the lions den. none the less we were together, that was all that mattered.

Everything that had happen was in the past. I looked to the future. The past meant nothing, as long as Bella was by my side, safe and happy the rest was miniscule.

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote, do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. And do not be troubled about the future for it has yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

**REVIEW!!! COME ON I KNOW YOU ALL CAN DO IT!! PLEASE AND THANK YOU! TELL ME WATCHA THINK!! **

**ITS FINALLY OVER.. I'M SAD!**


	27. the end

**A/N: **

**i would like to thank all the loyal reviewers.. its finally over! its sad... **

**but i have some good news in store for ya... i have decided to write the 3rd book in edwards pov... i should have the first chapter of it up by the end of this week... **

**and also you should check out my other new story Rising sun. i have the first 2 chapters up already..**

**check it out.. and dont forget to review...**

**hopefully everyone who likes this story will not only like rising sun but also the 3rd book in edwards pov...**

**thanks again!!**

**enjoy!**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: ok third book in edwards pov is Red Sun.. first chapter is up.. check it out.. please read tell me watcha think...**

**also read Rising sun its Renesmee's story... review both please and thank ya!**


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